May nobody say "quaff" in your presence.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Happy New Year!
Tonight I am cabin-bound and will be internet-less, so Premature Happy New Year!
May nobody say "quaff" in your presence.
May nobody say "quaff" in your presence.
The Pink
It struck me today that Maria Bamford and Rachel McAdams look alike (and so cute!) with pink-streaked blonde hair. I am also pale and blonde. Too bad I have neither the balls nor profession for it.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Overheard on BART.
Person 1: I loved being off yesterday! I was at my brother's and he has cable.
Person 2: I love cable.
Person 1: It was so great. I planned to watch Oprah, but it was "Deal or No Deal" with Howie Mandel, so I watched Ellen.
Person 2: I like Ellen.
Person 1: I have never laughed so hard in my life! She had these Japanese contortionists on, their skill is they fit into weird spaces, so she had a big wall coming at them with weird shapes and they had to twist quickly to avoid getting smashed.
Person 2: So it was, like, just physical comedy?
Person 2: I love cable.
Person 1: It was so great. I planned to watch Oprah, but it was "Deal or No Deal" with Howie Mandel, so I watched Ellen.
Person 2: I like Ellen.
Person 1: I have never laughed so hard in my life! She had these Japanese contortionists on, their skill is they fit into weird spaces, so she had a big wall coming at them with weird shapes and they had to twist quickly to avoid getting smashed.
Person 2: So it was, like, just physical comedy?
Mom's Corner
"did you mean to leave the two old yucky golf club socks in your bedroom? where did they come from? i just noticed that you left an 'enrique' cd on the dresser too. should we bring it with us in february?"
There is a context for me having those items, but the quote is much funnier without it. Oh and here's a picture of my dad "boxing" the dog on Christmas:
My Dinner with Antrophagus
From a March 6, 2001 transcript of an online chat between Bernd-Jurgen Brandes (cator99) and Armin Meiwes (antrophagus), included in Interview with a Cannibal: The Secret Life of the Cannibal from Rotenburg, by Gunter Stampf, published in Germany last fall. Brandes responded to an online advertisement Meiwes posted stating that he was seeking "a well-built man, 18-30, who would like to be eaten by me." Meiwes videotaped himself slaughtering Brandes a few days later. He confessed to the act and was convicted of manslaughter in 2004. The ruling was overturned in 2006 on the grounds that the sentence of eight and a half years was too lenient. Meiwes was retried, convicted of murder, and resentenced to life imprisonment.
CATOR99: Hallllooooo????
ANTROPHAGUS: Hi, Cator, what do you do professionally, that you are up so late at night?
CATOR99: I can't sleep well anymore because of our meeting
ANTROPHAGUS: That's a sensible reason. Yesterday I was incredibly tired, it was a stressful day
CATOR99: I'm in telecommunications
ANTROPHAGUS: Oh, that sounds interesting
CATOR99: I believe you
ANTROPHAGUS: I'm looking forward to our meeting, it will definitely be really cool
CATOR99: I want it to be! I hope it'll be really cool. Are you setting an alarm clock?????
ANTROPHAGUS: It's only a few days until March 9
CATOR99: Still, I would have rather met you yesterday and felt your touch
ANTROPHAGUS: One can't have everything. There's still some time before you really feel my teeth
CATOR99: I hardly know what to expect. Have you slaughtered a man before?
ANTROPHAGUS: Unfortunately, only in my dreams, but in my thoughts I do it every night
CATOR99: So I'm the first? You have eaten human flesh before, or you haven't?
ANTROPHAGUS: No, you don't exactly find it in the supermarket, unfortunately
CATOR99: How do you know if it will taste good to you, or that the blood won't make you sick?
ANTROPHAGUS: I'm readying myself with my dreams. Once I was so excited I grabbed a needle and drew my own blood so I could drink it.
CATOR99: And your blood, it tasted good to you?
ANTROPHAGUS: It was quite tasty. Once I was drilling some holes and the drill slipped right inside my hand, that was a real treat. Blood is the juice of life. It contains everything a person needs for nutrition
CATOR99: Then I hope you won't wilt, that you can really see it through without a problem
ANTROPHAGUS: To bite into your penis will certainly not be easy -- living flesh is somewhat more resistant than fried -- but one thing is certain: our dreams will be fulfilled
CATOR99: But there's no so much in it as there is in muscle
ANTROPHAGUS: Yeah, but the penis is principally a spongy material filled with blood
CATOR99: For both our sakes, I hope that's true. I hope you have also already throught about what's to be done with the rest. Fulfilling the dream shouldn't become a nightmare for you. No one will know where I've disappeared to.
ANTROPHAGUS: After you're dead, I'll take you out and expertly carve you up. Except for a pair of knees and some fleshy trash (skin, cartilage, tendons), there won't be much of you left
CATOR99: There will be a good bit, like the knees, I hope you have a good hiding place for them
ANTROPHAGUS: I'll dry out the knees and grind them up soon after
CATOR99: Okay, they're good as fertilizer, I heard that once. I see you've thought about it. Good! Sounds like I'm the first
ANTROPHAGUS: And you won't be the last, hopefully. I've already considered catching a young person from the street, but I would rather kill only those who want to be killed
CATOR99: That also doesn't sound bad. But yeah, seeing as it's not so totally legal, this is in my eyes better than yanking somebody directly off the street
ANTROPHAGUS: Exactly, I'd to it, if it were legal
CATOR99: Hallllooooo????
ANTROPHAGUS: Hi, Cator, what do you do professionally, that you are up so late at night?
CATOR99: I can't sleep well anymore because of our meeting
ANTROPHAGUS: That's a sensible reason. Yesterday I was incredibly tired, it was a stressful day
CATOR99: I'm in telecommunications
ANTROPHAGUS: Oh, that sounds interesting
CATOR99: I believe you
ANTROPHAGUS: I'm looking forward to our meeting, it will definitely be really cool
CATOR99: I want it to be! I hope it'll be really cool. Are you setting an alarm clock?????
ANTROPHAGUS: It's only a few days until March 9
CATOR99: Still, I would have rather met you yesterday and felt your touch
ANTROPHAGUS: One can't have everything. There's still some time before you really feel my teeth
CATOR99: I hardly know what to expect. Have you slaughtered a man before?
ANTROPHAGUS: Unfortunately, only in my dreams, but in my thoughts I do it every night
CATOR99: So I'm the first? You have eaten human flesh before, or you haven't?
ANTROPHAGUS: No, you don't exactly find it in the supermarket, unfortunately
CATOR99: How do you know if it will taste good to you, or that the blood won't make you sick?
ANTROPHAGUS: I'm readying myself with my dreams. Once I was so excited I grabbed a needle and drew my own blood so I could drink it.
CATOR99: And your blood, it tasted good to you?
ANTROPHAGUS: It was quite tasty. Once I was drilling some holes and the drill slipped right inside my hand, that was a real treat. Blood is the juice of life. It contains everything a person needs for nutrition
CATOR99: Then I hope you won't wilt, that you can really see it through without a problem
ANTROPHAGUS: To bite into your penis will certainly not be easy -- living flesh is somewhat more resistant than fried -- but one thing is certain: our dreams will be fulfilled
CATOR99: But there's no so much in it as there is in muscle
ANTROPHAGUS: Yeah, but the penis is principally a spongy material filled with blood
CATOR99: For both our sakes, I hope that's true. I hope you have also already throught about what's to be done with the rest. Fulfilling the dream shouldn't become a nightmare for you. No one will know where I've disappeared to.
ANTROPHAGUS: After you're dead, I'll take you out and expertly carve you up. Except for a pair of knees and some fleshy trash (skin, cartilage, tendons), there won't be much of you left
CATOR99: There will be a good bit, like the knees, I hope you have a good hiding place for them
ANTROPHAGUS: I'll dry out the knees and grind them up soon after
CATOR99: Okay, they're good as fertilizer, I heard that once. I see you've thought about it. Good! Sounds like I'm the first
ANTROPHAGUS: And you won't be the last, hopefully. I've already considered catching a young person from the street, but I would rather kill only those who want to be killed
CATOR99: That also doesn't sound bad. But yeah, seeing as it's not so totally legal, this is in my eyes better than yanking somebody directly off the street
ANTROPHAGUS: Exactly, I'd to it, if it were legal
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Adventures in Cell Phones
Part I
I received a text from an unknown number on Christmas. It was a DC area code and I only know a few people there. What follows is a fascinating play-by-play account of my text interaction with the stranger.
Unknown: Merry Christmas! Hope yours is filled with love and abundance.
Linda: Who sent me that Christmas text about abundance? I don't know the number. Sophia?
Unknown: Marissa!
Linda: Oh, sorry! You sounded like my more hippie friend with the abundance stuff. How are you?!?
Part II
The mystery Christmas texter reminded me of a text I received a few months back with a Silicon Valley area code. Observe:
Unknown: I am texting anonymously because this could be embarrassing. There is something about you everybody notices except you. Do you want to know what it is?
Linda: (Kinda freaking out) Okay....I'll bite. What?
Unknown: (Never responded)
I received a text from an unknown number on Christmas. It was a DC area code and I only know a few people there. What follows is a fascinating play-by-play account of my text interaction with the stranger.
Unknown: Merry Christmas! Hope yours is filled with love and abundance.
Linda: Who sent me that Christmas text about abundance? I don't know the number. Sophia?
Unknown: Marissa!
Linda: Oh, sorry! You sounded like my more hippie friend with the abundance stuff. How are you?!?
Part II
The mystery Christmas texter reminded me of a text I received a few months back with a Silicon Valley area code. Observe:
Unknown: I am texting anonymously because this could be embarrassing. There is something about you everybody notices except you. Do you want to know what it is?
Linda: (Kinda freaking out) Okay....I'll bite. What?
Unknown: (Never responded)
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
In Memoriam
When I flip radio channels and I hear songs by the same artist on at the same time, I think the artist has died and all the channels are playing their songs in tribute. This morning it was Landslide on one channel and Gypsy on another, and my uncaffeinated brain was like: STEVIE NICKS MUST HAVE DIED!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Circle of Life
I had a shitty day on Sunday. It was filled with obsessive thoughts on relationships and truth and manipulation and vulnerability and self preservation. By Sunday evening I was like "yeah, I'm gonna kick my feet up and watch some tv, awesome, Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel, this will be so relaxing."
Haha NO. This metaphor attacked my eyes and ears.
Thankfully it was followed by dainty baboon walking (aka: the cutest thing ever).
Haha NO. This metaphor attacked my eyes and ears.
Thankfully it was followed by dainty baboon walking (aka: the cutest thing ever).
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Straight Outta Cockpit
I had roommate holiday dinner, and I prepartied alone, so I'm tired and you get a video. If there was a god I would be eating burgers in a Eugene restaurant named "High Street Pub" (!) with these people.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Michelle Obama
I've been meaning to blog about Michelle Obama for a while. Jezebel ran an interesting article today that was just the inspiration I needed.
The author mentions seeing Michelle stand next to Barack and Oprah and feeling that her presence as an "unplasticized, uncontoured, undeniably black wife" is revolutionary to women of color who--like herself--are bombarded by Caucasian ideals of beauty. She praises the way Michelle bucks the trend of successful black man having lighter skinned wives as trophies.
Damn right Michelle is no trophy. See that picture above? I love it. I don't know how great it must feel to have a woman that looks like you about to be half a groundbreaking presidential couple. But as a woman I respond strongly to her fierce confidence and wit and intellect and power. Here are some things that make me love her:
She is his equal. She sometimes gripes about the fact that Barack "leaves out the butter" and is "just a man." Oh, Barack's a man alright. My ovaries have noticed. But I understand she still expects him to make their family a priority and participate in the household. That she never plays the deferential wife makes them both awesome.
She is smart. She went to Harvard Law School and until recently, served as Vice President of Community and Medical Affairs at the University of Chicago Medical Center. South Side activists praise her program for moving low-income patients from the emergency room into primary care elsewhere.
She is sassy. She may or may not have joked to Salon that Barack gets "morning wood."
She's a cool mom. She once took her daughters on a scary amusement park ride and now they don't trust her judgment. She's also been quoted saying her daughters jump into bed with her some morning and they talk about stuff like, you know, menstuation and what kind of dog the family should get.
She is funny. The Salon article says: "Talk turns to the quality of the Hardee's. This is a Mc-Donald's loyal group, but everyone is impressed. They like the curly fries; they like the table service; they like the Hawaiian chicken sandwich. Michelle surveys the table and hoists her eyebrows to dry perfection, appraising her charges-slash-baby sitters with unhidden amusement, and says 'In summary, I think we can safety say that we are all very pleased with our Hardee's experience.'"
She is hot. Look at the picture! She can rock a coral halter dress and still look badass. She seems to have sensuality and humor to spare and I bet she can crush asshole conservatives with one wry arch of that eyebrow.
The author mentions seeing Michelle stand next to Barack and Oprah and feeling that her presence as an "unplasticized, uncontoured, undeniably black wife" is revolutionary to women of color who--like herself--are bombarded by Caucasian ideals of beauty. She praises the way Michelle bucks the trend of successful black man having lighter skinned wives as trophies.
Damn right Michelle is no trophy. See that picture above? I love it. I don't know how great it must feel to have a woman that looks like you about to be half a groundbreaking presidential couple. But as a woman I respond strongly to her fierce confidence and wit and intellect and power. Here are some things that make me love her:She is his equal. She sometimes gripes about the fact that Barack "leaves out the butter" and is "just a man." Oh, Barack's a man alright. My ovaries have noticed. But I understand she still expects him to make their family a priority and participate in the household. That she never plays the deferential wife makes them both awesome.
She is smart. She went to Harvard Law School and until recently, served as Vice President of Community and Medical Affairs at the University of Chicago Medical Center. South Side activists praise her program for moving low-income patients from the emergency room into primary care elsewhere.
She is sassy. She may or may not have joked to Salon that Barack gets "morning wood."
She's a cool mom. She once took her daughters on a scary amusement park ride and now they don't trust her judgment. She's also been quoted saying her daughters jump into bed with her some morning and they talk about stuff like, you know, menstuation and what kind of dog the family should get.
She is funny. The Salon article says: "Talk turns to the quality of the Hardee's. This is a Mc-Donald's loyal group, but everyone is impressed. They like the curly fries; they like the table service; they like the Hawaiian chicken sandwich. Michelle surveys the table and hoists her eyebrows to dry perfection, appraising her charges-slash-baby sitters with unhidden amusement, and says 'In summary, I think we can safety say that we are all very pleased with our Hardee's experience.'"
She is hot. Look at the picture! She can rock a coral halter dress and still look badass. She seems to have sensuality and humor to spare and I bet she can crush asshole conservatives with one wry arch of that eyebrow.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
That would be sick nasty.
My brother Hot Karl received the following email from somebody who appears to have our last name to another person who appears to have our last name (likely Kristen?). I don't know this dude but he sure knows how to party
---- Forwarded Message ----
From: "j[linda's last name]@UDel.Edu"
To: k[linda's last name]@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, December 7, 2007 10:46:25 PM
Subject: (none)
hey kristen here we go...
snow tubing!
we should get a cabin for a weekend, and go snowboarding or something!
that would be sick nasty
bwb (pool) ocean city
can you get mom and dade to go out of town?
bp tournament (you and sam vs. me and ____ )
bowling (cosmic!!)
bars
go see the winter light show!
get me a tattoo
make plans for my birthday!
mer i cant think of anymore
ill get more later
peace!
***************************
PS: Happy Birthday Hot Karl!
---- Forwarded Message ----
From: "j[linda's last name]@UDel.Edu"
To: k[linda's last name]@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, December 7, 2007 10:46:25 PM
Subject: (none)
hey kristen here we go...
snow tubing!
we should get a cabin for a weekend, and go snowboarding or something!
that would be sick nasty
bwb (pool) ocean city
can you get mom and dade to go out of town?
bp tournament (you and sam vs. me and ____ )
bowling (cosmic!!)
bars
go see the winter light show!
get me a tattoo
make plans for my birthday!
mer i cant think of anymore
ill get more later
peace!
***************************
PS: Happy Birthday Hot Karl!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Twenty-First-Century Computing, as Explained by My Mother
the Internet: "Where people mess around with words."
e-mail: "A way of communicating with people. You plug in and go for it."
website: "Where you post information about a topic. Any topic. It could be anything. Therein lies the freedom."
firewall: "It must block something. On the computer. It's something you can't get beyond, no matter how hard you try."
Adobe Acrobat: "You made that one up."
virus: "You have anti-virus protection on your computer. It protects against bogey people—like, bogey-bogey. It's really important. This scares me."
Firefox: "Definitely something to do with firewalls."
RAM: "The capacity of a computer ... program. I think. Why don't you just tell me? You're mean."
MP3: "Pass."
(By Pasha Malla for McSweeney's)
e-mail: "A way of communicating with people. You plug in and go for it."
website: "Where you post information about a topic. Any topic. It could be anything. Therein lies the freedom."
firewall: "It must block something. On the computer. It's something you can't get beyond, no matter how hard you try."
Adobe Acrobat: "You made that one up."
virus: "You have anti-virus protection on your computer. It protects against bogey people—like, bogey-bogey. It's really important. This scares me."
Firefox: "Definitely something to do with firewalls."
RAM: "The capacity of a computer ... program. I think. Why don't you just tell me? You're mean."
MP3: "Pass."
(By Pasha Malla for McSweeney's)
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Hermit Crabs
You know what are weird? Hermit crabs. I'm bothered by the idea of them without shells the same way I'm bothered by a moray eel come loose from its rocks. With the hermit crab, however, the nakedness seems vulnerable and not aggressive. I've given this a lot of thought you guys.
Who wants hermit crab fun facts?!?
Who wants hermit crab fun facts?!?
- The habit of living in a second hand shell is what gave rise to the popular name "hermit crab," which is a reference to the idea of a hermit living alone in a small cave. (Duh.)
- Hermit crabs live in the wild in colonies of 100 or more, and do not thrive in smaller numbers.
- A hermit crab with a shell which is too small cannot grow as fast as hermit crabs with well-fitting shells, and is more likely to be eaten.
- The reproductive organs of hermit crabs are located near and just below the crab’s heart and open to the outside at the base of the last pair of walking legs in the male.
- The life span of the hermit crab in the wild is up to 30 years.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Oh, Vice!
I always love the Vice Do's and Don'ts, but this one is postworthy.
Old man + tiny squirrel + smirk + Member's Only vest = enjoyment. I don't like the caption because I'm not a 12-year-old boy or Sarah Silverman, but the picture alone is fantastic.
Don't: If you feel a huge peanut fart coming on at least get out of the park.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Wild Oats
Cat with jar on its head survives sticky situation
Feral cat named Wild Oats freed of peanut butter jar after 19 days
BARTLETT, Tenn. - A feral cat survived for 19 days with a jar stuck on its head.
Tabitha Cain has fed the cat, which she calls Wild Oats, for several years. The family saw the cat several times with the peanut butter jar on its head and tried in vain to catch it. But after not seeing the cat for a week, the Cains feared the worst.
"I thought she was going to die with that jar on her head," said Tabitha Cain, 25.
They found the once chubby cat on Wednesday, too thin and weak to flee. They caught her with a fishing net and used some oil to get the jar off her head.
They gave her water and treated her wounds and on Friday she began to eat again.
"I've heard of cats having nine lives but I think this one has 19 because she survived 19 days," said Doretha Cain, Tabitha's mother.
Memphis veterinarian Gerald Blackburn said he has heard similar stories of pets getting trapped for days or even weeks at a time and surviving. Blackburn said the cat may have lived off of its excess fat.
Feral cat named Wild Oats freed of peanut butter jar after 19 days
BARTLETT, Tenn. - A feral cat survived for 19 days with a jar stuck on its head.
Tabitha Cain has fed the cat, which she calls Wild Oats, for several years. The family saw the cat several times with the peanut butter jar on its head and tried in vain to catch it. But after not seeing the cat for a week, the Cains feared the worst.
"I thought she was going to die with that jar on her head," said Tabitha Cain, 25.
They found the once chubby cat on Wednesday, too thin and weak to flee. They caught her with a fishing net and used some oil to get the jar off her head.
They gave her water and treated her wounds and on Friday she began to eat again.
"I've heard of cats having nine lives but I think this one has 19 because she survived 19 days," said Doretha Cain, Tabitha's mother.
Memphis veterinarian Gerald Blackburn said he has heard similar stories of pets getting trapped for days or even weeks at a time and surviving. Blackburn said the cat may have lived off of its excess fat.
The end.
Monday, December 3, 2007
I talk to squirrels.
Funny Patton Oswalt "Woods Murderer." The video is funny enough, but the YouTube comments are the best part:
(1) visiongoober: 911
(2) battlehappy: thank you for posting this! oh, patton oswalt. you really are short bus special.
(3) vortex007: I LOVE KING OF QUEENS
(4) franjiej514: lol thanks your awesome
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Shimmy
When I hear the word "shimmy" I'm both entertained and grossed out. So when I saw this picture and caption last week I stared at it for several minutes of delighted squirming.
75-year-old tap-dancer shimmies his way across Golden Gate Bridge. Michael Grbich enjoyed his 1.7-mile dance across the Golden Gate Bridge, even bringing his own music and jump rope. The Oakland resident celebrated his 75th birthday Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007, by tap dancing across the Golden Gate Bridge and was joined by relatives and friends as he danced across the foggy span.
PS: I love the portable iPod deck in the upper right corner, very Darjeeling Limited.
75-year-old tap-dancer shimmies his way across Golden Gate Bridge. Michael Grbich enjoyed his 1.7-mile dance across the Golden Gate Bridge, even bringing his own music and jump rope. The Oakland resident celebrated his 75th birthday Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007, by tap dancing across the Golden Gate Bridge and was joined by relatives and friends as he danced across the foggy span.PS: I love the portable iPod deck in the upper right corner, very Darjeeling Limited.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Say it soft, and it's almost like praying.
Today is just a Maria Bamford video because (a) I love her and I'm excited to see her tomorrow, and (b) Meredith Baxter Birney.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Five Degrees of Maya Rudolph
I have the --how you say?-- concentration problems at work. Today was pretty bad though.
(1) I read an interview with Paul Thomas Anderson about No Country for Old Men. I realized he was married to Maya Rudloph. Or was it Milla Jovovich?
(2) I researched Paul Thomas Anderson and confirmed he was married to Maya Rudolph. But then who was married to Milla Jovovich?
(3) Milla Jovovich is married to Paul W.S. Anderson, also a director, but not to be confused with Paul Thomas Anderson. I think I would rather be married to Paul Thomas Anderson. He dated Fiona Apple for several years apparently, I'm not super into that, I wonder what Maya thinks about it. She's so funny and awesome though, she's got nothing to worry about. Plus they had that baby together...
(4) I once read an article about Maya Rudolph in which somebody said "Hey congratulations on your new baby Pearl" and Maya responded "Thanks! She's a classy lady." I loved that. Which reminds me of that old BUST interview by Maya Rudloph of Amy Sedaris...
(5) I dug up the old BUST April/May 2005 issue (yeah I have it, what?) and sure enough, there's a lot of "lady" jokes. Can't get enough of that word. Here is one particularly amusing exchange
Maya: It's true. I think you're a real lady. You're a very poised, charming lady.
Amy: Like you said, you don't see yourself that way. You're trying to be a lady, you're trying to be their idea of it and when you meet a real one, you're like "Wow, I wonder where she's going."
Maya: Exactly.
Amy: She's going to a lady meeting! [Sings] "Who's that lady? Who's that la-dy." That would be cute though, your version of girls.
Maya: When I'm 80, that will be my show.
Amy: Girls, Girls, Girls! One, please!
Maya: I hope you'll be there.
Amy: I'll probably be dressing you in the back or selling cupcakes in the lobby.
Maya: Please do. I would be honored.
(1) I read an interview with Paul Thomas Anderson about No Country for Old Men. I realized he was married to Maya Rudloph. Or was it Milla Jovovich?
(2) I researched Paul Thomas Anderson and confirmed he was married to Maya Rudolph. But then who was married to Milla Jovovich?
(3) Milla Jovovich is married to Paul W.S. Anderson, also a director, but not to be confused with Paul Thomas Anderson. I think I would rather be married to Paul Thomas Anderson. He dated Fiona Apple for several years apparently, I'm not super into that, I wonder what Maya thinks about it. She's so funny and awesome though, she's got nothing to worry about. Plus they had that baby together...
(4) I once read an article about Maya Rudolph in which somebody said "Hey congratulations on your new baby Pearl" and Maya responded "Thanks! She's a classy lady." I loved that. Which reminds me of that old BUST interview by Maya Rudloph of Amy Sedaris...
(5) I dug up the old BUST April/May 2005 issue (yeah I have it, what?) and sure enough, there's a lot of "lady" jokes. Can't get enough of that word. Here is one particularly amusing exchange
Maya: It's true. I think you're a real lady. You're a very poised, charming lady.
Amy: Like you said, you don't see yourself that way. You're trying to be a lady, you're trying to be their idea of it and when you meet a real one, you're like "Wow, I wonder where she's going."
Maya: Exactly.
Amy: She's going to a lady meeting! [Sings] "Who's that lady? Who's that la-dy." That would be cute though, your version of girls.
Maya: When I'm 80, that will be my show.
Amy: Girls, Girls, Girls! One, please!
Maya: I hope you'll be there.
Amy: I'll probably be dressing you in the back or selling cupcakes in the lobby.
Maya: Please do. I would be honored.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Funny Business
I love love love the Golden Girls. In a cruel twist of fate and social calendars, I cannot attend this weekend's transvestite performance of the Golden Girls holiday episodes featuring "enough St. Olaf anecdotes, shoulder pads, fugly holiday sweaters, and primo zingers to last until the next Lifetime marathon."
My loss is only slightly mitigated by tickets to Comedians of Comedy on Friday. No Galifianakis (sad face) but oh the Oswalt, Posehn, and Bamford goodness!!!
Update: Trannyshack's having the Golden Girls tons of dates in December, not just this weekend! Who wants to go December 28th or 29th?
My loss is only slightly mitigated by tickets to Comedians of Comedy on Friday. No Galifianakis (sad face) but oh the Oswalt, Posehn, and Bamford goodness!!!
Update: Trannyshack's having the Golden Girls tons of dates in December, not just this weekend! Who wants to go December 28th or 29th?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Unfunny Business
Two things I will not do as a parent:
(1) Create a fake MySpace to taunt a 13-year-old girl. Last week we learned about the awful parents who tricked 13-year-old Megan Meier by creating a fake profile for "Josh" on MySpace. "Josh" flirted with the Megan, then said he heard she was slutty and fat, and then she hanged herself. The unbelievably awful mother responsible for the profile told police she and her daughter typed and monitored the communication between Josh and Megan, apparently to gain Megan's confidence to know what Megan was saying about her daughter online.
(2) Beat, torture, and kill my 2-year-old daughter. The news was aflurry today with revelations that the parents of missing "Baby Grace" (the girl found dead in Galveston Bay) confessed to beating, torturing, and then killing her. The mother's police statement said the girl was beaten with leather belts, had her head held underwater in a bathtub, and was then thrown across a room slamming her head into a tile floor. The parents kept the body in a storage shed for a few months before they put it in a plastic bin and dumped it into Galveston Bay.
(1) Create a fake MySpace to taunt a 13-year-old girl. Last week we learned about the awful parents who tricked 13-year-old Megan Meier by creating a fake profile for "Josh" on MySpace. "Josh" flirted with the Megan, then said he heard she was slutty and fat, and then she hanged herself. The unbelievably awful mother responsible for the profile told police she and her daughter typed and monitored the communication between Josh and Megan, apparently to gain Megan's confidence to know what Megan was saying about her daughter online.
(2) Beat, torture, and kill my 2-year-old daughter. The news was aflurry today with revelations that the parents of missing "Baby Grace" (the girl found dead in Galveston Bay) confessed to beating, torturing, and then killing her. The mother's police statement said the girl was beaten with leather belts, had her head held underwater in a bathtub, and was then thrown across a room slamming her head into a tile floor. The parents kept the body in a storage shed for a few months before they put it in a plastic bin and dumped it into Galveston Bay.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Thankgiving
Here is a recipe for possum I found while searching "roasted butternut squash" this morning.
E. W.'S ROAST POSSUM WITH SWEET POTATOES
1 possum
Salt and pepper
1 pod red pepper
1 sweet potato per person
Simmer possum until partially done, changing the stock a couple of times according to age and amount of wild taste. Add a piece of red pepper in the final simmer. Place possum in roaster. Add small amount of water. Sprinkle possum with flour and baste with fat, if necessary. (Usually fat on possum is sufficient.) Surround by small sweet potatoes and bake until possum and potatoes are browned. Cooking time, from 1 to 2 hours at 350 degrees. Makes from six to eight servings.
At first I thought it was a joke, but then I was like "wait, Beth Ditto sometimes talks about eating squirrel growing up in Arkansas, is this a Southern thing?" The answer is Yes.
Wikipedia says the opossum was a favorite game animal in the southern regions of the United States, which have a large body of recipes and folklore relating to the opossum. The meat is light and fine grained, but the musk glands must be removed as part of preparation. Opossum can be used in place of rabbit and chicken in recipes.
More interesting possum facts:
E. W.'S ROAST POSSUM WITH SWEET POTATOES
1 possum
Salt and pepper
1 pod red pepper
1 sweet potato per person
Simmer possum until partially done, changing the stock a couple of times according to age and amount of wild taste. Add a piece of red pepper in the final simmer. Place possum in roaster. Add small amount of water. Sprinkle possum with flour and baste with fat, if necessary. (Usually fat on possum is sufficient.) Surround by small sweet potatoes and bake until possum and potatoes are browned. Cooking time, from 1 to 2 hours at 350 degrees. Makes from six to eight servings.
At first I thought it was a joke, but then I was like "wait, Beth Ditto sometimes talks about eating squirrel growing up in Arkansas, is this a Southern thing?" The answer is Yes.
Wikipedia says the opossum was a favorite game animal in the southern regions of the United States, which have a large body of recipes and folklore relating to the opossum. The meat is light and fine grained, but the musk glands must be removed as part of preparation. Opossum can be used in place of rabbit and chicken in recipes.
More interesting possum facts:
- When threatened or harmed, they will "play possum," mimicking the appearance and smell of a sick or dead animal. The lips are drawn back, teeth are bared, saliva foams around the mouth, and a foul-smelling fluid is secreted from the anal glands. The physiological response is involuntary, rather than a conscious act. Their stiff, curled form can be prodded, turned over, and even carried away. Many injured opossums have been killed by well-meaning people who find a catatonic animal and assume the worst. The best thing to do upon finding an injured or apparently dead opossum is to leave it in a quiet place with a clear exit path. In minutes or hours, the animal will regain consciousness and escape quietly on its own.
- Adult opossums do not hang from trees by their tails, though babies may dangle temporarily. Their prehensile tails are not strong enough to support a mature adult's weight. Instead, the opossum uses its tail as a brace and a fifth limb when climbing. The tail is occasionally used as a grip to carry bunches of leaves or bedding materials to the nest.
- Opossums have a remarkably robust immune system, and show partial or total immunity to the venom of rattlesnakes, cottonmouths, and other pit vipers.
- Thanks to their lower blood temperature, rabies is almost unknown in opossums.
- The opossum lifespan is unusually short for a mammal of its size, usually only 2 to 4 years.
- An early description of the opossum comes from explorer John Smith, who wrote in Map of Virginia in 1608 that "An Opassom hath an head like a Swine, and a taile like a Rat, and is of the bignes of a Cat. Under her belly she hath a bagge, wherein she lodgeth, carrieth, and sucketh her young."
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Mom's Corner
Hey everybody, my parents' dog writes emails now. You heard me. This is the most recent correspondence with her boyfriend Henry (my cousin's dog):
My Dear Rowdy Henry,
Thank you so much for your informative, entertaining and sweet letter! My, oh my, Henry, you are a talented writer! I even forwarded your letter to Linda, Melissa and Karl who also belong to my family but who live far away.
I would love to be called your "brown eyed girl" if I can call you my Rowdy Henry. Nobody has ever called me that before, and it sounds so tender. I like tender. But I'll tell you a secret, Henry. I love rowdy even more!! I got rowdy at dog park with a young bull mastiff and it was so fun. However, when we wrestled and he fell on my front paw, it kind of hurt for awhile. My Mommy and the owner were friends, and they knew the mastiff didn't mean to hurt me. Honestly, Henry, I think I was more scared than hurt...do you know what I mean? I felt fine in a few hours. The next day my Mommy took me back to the same park to see if I was afraid of it, but she found out I was still excited to play with other dogs. I'm very sorry to hear about your eyelid being bit! I surely hope you're all healed now! I promise when we play together next time that I won't bite you...I'd never bite my Rowdy Henry.
Your trip to Oregon sounded wonderful. I loved seeing the picture of you running in doggie heaven. Thank you for sending it to me. Your paws weren't even touching the ground! I can't wait to see a doggie heaven like that. So far, I think my only doggie heaven is fetching and swimming in the ocean. My paws don't touch the ground there either, ha ha. My Mommy and Daddy told me to tell you that they would love to see you and your family whenever you get down here. My Daddy has changed my backyard, however. He planted some new plants along the back fence, and then he put a wire around them so that I wouldn't run over them like I did the other plants. When I touched the wire with my nose, it gave me a teeny shock. I jumped and ran back to Daddy. He pet me and cuddled me and said "Good Girl Maggie." I don't run close to that wire anymore, but I still fetch and run in the yard.
See you soon!
Your Brown Eyed Girl, Maggie Lou
This moved from funny to uncomfortable right around "I like tender." My Dad's just as creepy. He sits on the couch with his arm around Maggie like she's his girlfriend. I fear Maggie will be sitting at the dinner table with us on Thanksgiving. Maybe a little napkin stuck in her collar or something, eyeing me with jealousy and/or contempt. It's not good.
And it's not just my parents! Jeff's mom sent him a card with paw prints (the dog's paws had been painted and pressed against the envelope). Recently Kristen and her parents were leaving for dinner, and her parents turned to the cat and said "Lucky, we'd take you if we could!" Kristen was like "Um, NO. There is no wishing you could take the cat to dinner."
My Dear Rowdy Henry,
Thank you so much for your informative, entertaining and sweet letter! My, oh my, Henry, you are a talented writer! I even forwarded your letter to Linda, Melissa and Karl who also belong to my family but who live far away.
I would love to be called your "brown eyed girl" if I can call you my Rowdy Henry. Nobody has ever called me that before, and it sounds so tender. I like tender. But I'll tell you a secret, Henry. I love rowdy even more!! I got rowdy at dog park with a young bull mastiff and it was so fun. However, when we wrestled and he fell on my front paw, it kind of hurt for awhile. My Mommy and the owner were friends, and they knew the mastiff didn't mean to hurt me. Honestly, Henry, I think I was more scared than hurt...do you know what I mean? I felt fine in a few hours. The next day my Mommy took me back to the same park to see if I was afraid of it, but she found out I was still excited to play with other dogs. I'm very sorry to hear about your eyelid being bit! I surely hope you're all healed now! I promise when we play together next time that I won't bite you...I'd never bite my Rowdy Henry.
Your trip to Oregon sounded wonderful. I loved seeing the picture of you running in doggie heaven. Thank you for sending it to me. Your paws weren't even touching the ground! I can't wait to see a doggie heaven like that. So far, I think my only doggie heaven is fetching and swimming in the ocean. My paws don't touch the ground there either, ha ha. My Mommy and Daddy told me to tell you that they would love to see you and your family whenever you get down here. My Daddy has changed my backyard, however. He planted some new plants along the back fence, and then he put a wire around them so that I wouldn't run over them like I did the other plants. When I touched the wire with my nose, it gave me a teeny shock. I jumped and ran back to Daddy. He pet me and cuddled me and said "Good Girl Maggie." I don't run close to that wire anymore, but I still fetch and run in the yard.
See you soon!
Your Brown Eyed Girl, Maggie Lou
This moved from funny to uncomfortable right around "I like tender." My Dad's just as creepy. He sits on the couch with his arm around Maggie like she's his girlfriend. I fear Maggie will be sitting at the dinner table with us on Thanksgiving. Maybe a little napkin stuck in her collar or something, eyeing me with jealousy and/or contempt. It's not good.
And it's not just my parents! Jeff's mom sent him a card with paw prints (the dog's paws had been painted and pressed against the envelope). Recently Kristen and her parents were leaving for dinner, and her parents turned to the cat and said "Lucky, we'd take you if we could!" Kristen was like "Um, NO. There is no wishing you could take the cat to dinner."
Monday, November 19, 2007
Guest Blogger: John Weber
Hi John Weber! I'm friends with Cheryl. Nice to meet you and hear about the awesome discovery you made last weekend:
I installed a ceiling exhaust fan for my wife's grandfather. While my brother-in-law and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:
A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell there was two solid inches of it right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels.
There were plenty more home furnishings where those came from, but I don't want to bore you with that. Instead, I will bore you with clothes. The clothes were fantastic.
Here's how to get your butt kicked on the golf course. This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block . Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.
Here's how to get your butt kicked in a meeting. If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.
Here's how to get your butt kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day. Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
In this next one, your search for VALUE ends at JC Penney's. As does your search for chest hair.
And this? Seriously. There are no words. Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are: What The FUCK!?! I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?
I installed a ceiling exhaust fan for my wife's grandfather. While my brother-in-law and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:
A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell there was two solid inches of it right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels.
There were plenty more home furnishings where those came from, but I don't want to bore you with that. Instead, I will bore you with clothes. The clothes were fantastic.
Here's how to get your butt kicked on the golf course. This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block . Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.
Here's how to get your butt kicked in a meeting. If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.
Here's how to get your butt kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day. Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
And this? Seriously. There are no words. Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are: What The FUCK!?! I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."
John Weber, please guest blog with me again.
John Weber, please guest blog with me again.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Yo Soy Yuppie
Today was Beaujolais Day in San Francisco. Apparently every third Thursday of November the new batch of Beaujolais Nouveau is released at 12:01 AM. I spent my evening drinking many wines in cute alleyway bistros. And eating lots of cheese and olives and bread. And before we started in with the wine we went to a Banana Republic "Luxe" event with champagne and goodie bags. And I am wearing pumps.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Way I See It
I got some Starbucks recently [FN1], and the cup said:
# 275 When I wake up in the morning, I want to know that my family, friends and fans know what I believe in and what I'm all about. That's what should be important. -- Robert Randolph (Musician. His songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music TM station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
I love that this dude is talking about his art and its authenticity on a Starbucks cup near a promotion for Starbucks XM. Has he no self-consciousness? And he's not alone! There are a few more entertaining musicians talking about their art on paper cups that yuppies will purchase from the chain coffee shop and throw in the trash without reading. Examples:
#260 Playing in an independent rock band will eventually make you equal parts truck driver, gladiator and mule. Glamour is for those with trust funds. -- Neko Case (Musician. Her songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music™ station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
# 268 Music is what I always turn to when I’m feeling a certain way. It’s my reason for everything. -- Josh Groban (Musician. His songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music™ station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
# 281 I’ve never bought the “lowest common denominator” image of popular art. Too many artists worry that popularity is the same as being “middle of the road.” I’m much more into the idea that the middle is the highest point. On a map, the center of a mountain is its peak. You need to climb very high to get there. -- Dan Wilson (Musician. His songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music™ station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
[FN1] Do you say "a coffee" or "coffee"? It feels weird to me to say "let's get a coffee."
# 275 When I wake up in the morning, I want to know that my family, friends and fans know what I believe in and what I'm all about. That's what should be important. -- Robert Randolph (Musician. His songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music TM station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
I love that this dude is talking about his art and its authenticity on a Starbucks cup near a promotion for Starbucks XM. Has he no self-consciousness? And he's not alone! There are a few more entertaining musicians talking about their art on paper cups that yuppies will purchase from the chain coffee shop and throw in the trash without reading. Examples:
#260 Playing in an independent rock band will eventually make you equal parts truck driver, gladiator and mule. Glamour is for those with trust funds. -- Neko Case (Musician. Her songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music™ station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
# 268 Music is what I always turn to when I’m feeling a certain way. It’s my reason for everything. -- Josh Groban (Musician. His songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music™ station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
# 281 I’ve never bought the “lowest common denominator” image of popular art. Too many artists worry that popularity is the same as being “middle of the road.” I’m much more into the idea that the middle is the highest point. On a map, the center of a mountain is its peak. You need to climb very high to get there. -- Dan Wilson (Musician. His songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music™ station, XM Satellite Radio Channel 75.)
[FN1] Do you say "a coffee" or "coffee"? It feels weird to me to say "let's get a coffee."
Monday, November 12, 2007
Mom's Corner
"Here are some photos of Maggie since she'll be a BIG 1-year old on Monday. It seems like only yesterday we were cradling a tiny, helpless furball. Maggie recently went to the feed store with me - it had many cages filled with pigeons and small birds. Maggie sat mesmerized by them as she stared intently. (Maybe poodles have some bird dog genes?)"
No I don't know why the pictures have white like that. Yes that is my mother wearing a devil mask and making a peace sign.
No I don't know why the pictures have white like that. Yes that is my mother wearing a devil mask and making a peace sign.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
More on eels.
And here is some stuff John Hodgman wrote about eels:
Eels, any schoolchild knows, were the true main course at the Pilgrims' first Thanksgiving, largely because the eels themselves had eaten all the turkeys. While it's difficult to imagine now, because they are so disgusting and now so rare, eels played a critical role in the economy and culture of colonial New England. Once our nation's rivers were glossy and black with majestic herds of eels, but they proved too tempting as a food source, and many found them to be just too spooky to tolerate. What eels were not eaten were often killed out of sheer angry terror. By the time Benjamin Franklin, that famous turkey-lover, began attacking eels in a series of vicious aphorisms in his almanacs, they had alrady largely disappeared from the landscape and recorded history.
And here is a video of a moray eel biting off a man's finger:
gameoven.com
Eels, any schoolchild knows, were the true main course at the Pilgrims' first Thanksgiving, largely because the eels themselves had eaten all the turkeys. While it's difficult to imagine now, because they are so disgusting and now so rare, eels played a critical role in the economy and culture of colonial New England. Once our nation's rivers were glossy and black with majestic herds of eels, but they proved too tempting as a food source, and many found them to be just too spooky to tolerate. What eels were not eaten were often killed out of sheer angry terror. By the time Benjamin Franklin, that famous turkey-lover, began attacking eels in a series of vicious aphorisms in his almanacs, they had alrady largely disappeared from the landscape and recorded history.
And here is a video of a moray eel biting off a man's finger:
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Punky Brewster Spider
In Fayetteville over Halloween, I watched several Roseanne Halloween specials. Them's good times. I like a woman who both sasses and scares her children. This triggered Karl's memory of that Punky Brewster episode with the huge creepy spider. Do you remember that?!? What the hell was that all about? I think it had something to do with Indian spirits and cave exploration and then a huge spider pops out. Totally gave me nightmares.
Other things that bothered young Linda include:
Other things that bothered young Linda include:
- Thriller
- Return to Oz
- Scooby Doo
- Amazing Stories
- Clue
- Howard the Duck
- Dean Koontz
- Bloody Mary
- Poltergeist III (This one stuck with me. I cannot be near a mirror at night.)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
It's Linda, bitch.
Sorry for going on vacation and not telling you. I'm sure your fingers are all raw from refreshing this site over and over and over, drooling in wide-eyed expectation.
I had fun in Memphis with Kristen, who was nice enough to fly her awesomeness down from Brooklyn. Then I spent the best week ever in Fayetteville, Arkansas with my brother Hot Karl and sister-in-law Melissa. So much maxin and relaxin with movies and books and walks. Oh the walks! All fall foliage and brick cuteness and fireplace smells and crunching leaves.
I was there for Halloween. We dressed as a half-assed Three's Company but we arrived at the bar with their Ukranian friend Dmytro who was dressed like an Amish person. I suggested two ladies in "Sexy Uncreative Girl" costumes pose with him. Dmytro loves I Love Lucy and used to have a hamster named Sunshine, so you can guess how comfortable he was. [FN1]
Dmytro was nice enough to drive me to the Clinton House Museum the next day. It's their first little house here when they were both professing the law at University of Arkansas and Bill started his first campaigns. The museum had an overeager tour guide along as well as pictures, articles, and some awesome old campaign videos ("Tired of high prices for your greens and beans? Forget what pork and roast beef means?). In many pictures Bill looks completely smitten with Hillary and the only home furnishings were cinder block bookshelves and tons of books. And a bed for their overachieving and cerebral love. The house itself has a cute story: One day Bill was driving Hillary to the airport and she said in passing "That's a cute house." When she returned from vacation he said "I bought that house you liked. And I can't live there alone so you'll have to marry me." Oh Bill! Such a charmer.
[FN1] The slut on the left has a little Amy Winehouse in the face, no?
I had fun in Memphis with Kristen, who was nice enough to fly her awesomeness down from Brooklyn. Then I spent the best week ever in Fayetteville, Arkansas with my brother Hot Karl and sister-in-law Melissa. So much maxin and relaxin with movies and books and walks. Oh the walks! All fall foliage and brick cuteness and fireplace smells and crunching leaves.
I was there for Halloween. We dressed as a half-assed Three's Company but we arrived at the bar with their Ukranian friend Dmytro who was dressed like an Amish person. I suggested two ladies in "Sexy Uncreative Girl" costumes pose with him. Dmytro loves I Love Lucy and used to have a hamster named Sunshine, so you can guess how comfortable he was. [FN1]
Dmytro was nice enough to drive me to the Clinton House Museum the next day. It's their first little house here when they were both professing the law at University of Arkansas and Bill started his first campaigns. The museum had an overeager tour guide along as well as pictures, articles, and some awesome old campaign videos ("Tired of high prices for your greens and beans? Forget what pork and roast beef means?). In many pictures Bill looks completely smitten with Hillary and the only home furnishings were cinder block bookshelves and tons of books. And a bed for their overachieving and cerebral love. The house itself has a cute story: One day Bill was driving Hillary to the airport and she said in passing "That's a cute house." When she returned from vacation he said "I bought that house you liked. And I can't live there alone so you'll have to marry me." Oh Bill! Such a charmer.
[FN1] The slut on the left has a little Amy Winehouse in the face, no?
Memphian Delights
I tried hard to find funny stories during my trip to the Southland. Unfortunately the people were not as obese as I'd hoped, plus they were incredibly nice and race relations seemed to have a bonding-of-proximity totally lacking here in lilly white San Francisco. Thanks for not conforming to my stereotypes, assholes.
But the motel was awesome. You will recall our hotel troubles and Red Roof Inn reservations. It ended up being fine even though it could've been Anywhere, USA and we slept under thin floral bedspreads with flourescent lighting. All of my front desk encounters were great.
On the day we arrived, the front desk lady was a large white woman with a gold-plated grill. She did not enjoy helping customers. At all. I walked up to her and opened my mouth as if to speak. She arched her eyebrows, placed one index finger in the air, and mouthed for me to "hold on". She was busy telling somebody on the line how to defrost chicken breasts. The ones from the freezer. Just pull em out and put em in the microwave. Like a few minutes. Until they warm. Then bread em and just fry em up. She'll be home when she gets home.
Our key cards said "Room Service? Call Domino's!!!" in an awesome party font printed diagonally (which is totally the way to convey fun!!!). Anyway. One night we arrived home and wanted pizza. Kristen called Domino's. Nope. Closed at 2:00. Kristen called Papa John's. Nope. Closed at 2:00. We debated whether the motel had any food other than the soda vending machines. I called the front desk and very drunkenly and seriously asked whether "this hotel has any food items that are not soda pop." This night attendant, bless her heart, answered with equal seriousness "we have fruit punch...and Lipton tea."
Oh and on the morning I left I wanted to use the one computer in the lobby. First I had to wait for the front desk attendant to get off it. Then I had to move her half-eaten danish OFF THE KEYBOARD.
But the motel was awesome. You will recall our hotel troubles and Red Roof Inn reservations. It ended up being fine even though it could've been Anywhere, USA and we slept under thin floral bedspreads with flourescent lighting. All of my front desk encounters were great.
On the day we arrived, the front desk lady was a large white woman with a gold-plated grill. She did not enjoy helping customers. At all. I walked up to her and opened my mouth as if to speak. She arched her eyebrows, placed one index finger in the air, and mouthed for me to "hold on". She was busy telling somebody on the line how to defrost chicken breasts. The ones from the freezer. Just pull em out and put em in the microwave. Like a few minutes. Until they warm. Then bread em and just fry em up. She'll be home when she gets home.
Our key cards said "Room Service? Call Domino's!!!" in an awesome party font printed diagonally (which is totally the way to convey fun!!!). Anyway. One night we arrived home and wanted pizza. Kristen called Domino's. Nope. Closed at 2:00. Kristen called Papa John's. Nope. Closed at 2:00. We debated whether the motel had any food other than the soda vending machines. I called the front desk and very drunkenly and seriously asked whether "this hotel has any food items that are not soda pop." This night attendant, bless her heart, answered with equal seriousness "we have fruit punch...and Lipton tea."
Oh and on the morning I left I wanted to use the one computer in the lobby. First I had to wait for the front desk attendant to get off it. Then I had to move her half-eaten danish OFF THE KEYBOARD.
Funny snippets of conversations involving animals.
Karl: (By way of initially greeting Linda, picks up a small cat and places it upon Linda's head) "This is Rupee. She's the coolest of our animals."
Melissa: "Rupee's butthole always looks weird."
Karl: "Before we leave for dinner, let's look at the ferrets at Petco."
Linda: "Oh fuck. Moray eels are totally weird. Their faces! Next year I'm gonna be a morey eel for Halloween, and the entire costume will be the rocks, including over my head, and then my face will just be a moray eel mask popping out of a small cavern." [FN1]
[FN1] Subsequent thoughts: Can a moray eel come loose from its rocks? What do their bodies even look like? How fast can they go? I fear I'm asking question to which I want no answers.
Melissa: "Rupee's butthole always looks weird."
Karl: "Before we leave for dinner, let's look at the ferrets at Petco."
Linda: "Oh fuck. Moray eels are totally weird. Their faces! Next year I'm gonna be a morey eel for Halloween, and the entire costume will be the rocks, including over my head, and then my face will just be a moray eel mask popping out of a small cavern." [FN1]
[FN1] Subsequent thoughts: Can a moray eel come loose from its rocks? What do their bodies even look like? How fast can they go? I fear I'm asking question to which I want no answers.
Mom's Corner
(1) October 31, 2007: "Happy Halloween! You've been mooned!"
(2) November 6, 2007: "Maggie and I are leaving now to do a couple errands together...getting a fido shocker to keep her away from new plants along the fenceline (one shock will probably do it) and to get Gretyl some adult cat food at Petco...I took Gretyl into the vet this morning since her backend seemed sensitive to touch. I wasn't sure if it was a hip issue or a skin issue...it was a severe skin issue so a healthier diet will help her feel better. The vet had to sedate her in order to bathe her, but Gretyl will feel really good when she wakes up. That's her first bath in 10 1/2 years! Initially, the vet sprayed a feline aroma into the crate which created a 'motherly' scent. Gretyl walked out of the crate and sat next to the vet while she got pet!! I could not believe my eyes! This vet bill will be worth its $$ just to see Gretyl so pleasant!!"
(2) November 6, 2007: "Maggie and I are leaving now to do a couple errands together...getting a fido shocker to keep her away from new plants along the fenceline (one shock will probably do it) and to get Gretyl some adult cat food at Petco...I took Gretyl into the vet this morning since her backend seemed sensitive to touch. I wasn't sure if it was a hip issue or a skin issue...it was a severe skin issue so a healthier diet will help her feel better. The vet had to sedate her in order to bathe her, but Gretyl will feel really good when she wakes up. That's her first bath in 10 1/2 years! Initially, the vet sprayed a feline aroma into the crate which created a 'motherly' scent. Gretyl walked out of the crate and sat next to the vet while she got pet!! I could not believe my eyes! This vet bill will be worth its $$ just to see Gretyl so pleasant!!"
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Great Glam
This always comes up when I sign out of MySpace.
I started a snarky post along the lines of "Glamour, really? Doesn't glamour mean luxury or elegance?" But glamour is defined by M-W as (1) a magic spell, or (2) an exciting and often illusory and romantic attractiveness. Bullshit! M-W is wrong. There's an element of luxury and elegance goddamnit. Ghetto and slutty are only glamorous if you're Lil' Kim or something.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
More Mitch Hedburg
I'm obsessed now. But I wonder about his accent. Why does he sometimes sound like Al Pacino?
While the delivery is super good and you should really watch the video, here are some funny bits in case you don't watch video at work or whatever, lameass:
(1) (Upon being called a millipede) "But I'm so many legs shorter than that. I'm a dos-ipede."
(2) I had a Jack & Coke recently and I saw that the lime was floating. Next time I'm in a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime...I am saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
(3) I felt that my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxema. They are off-white.
(4) If the number 13 is unlucky than so should the letter B be because B looks like a scrunched together 13. "What's your name?" "Bob" "Get the hell away."
(5) I had a cold sore so I put some Carmex on it. Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores. I don't know if it does, but it will make them shinier and more noticeable.
While the delivery is super good and you should really watch the video, here are some funny bits in case you don't watch video at work or whatever, lameass:
(1) (Upon being called a millipede) "But I'm so many legs shorter than that. I'm a dos-ipede."
(2) I had a Jack & Coke recently and I saw that the lime was floating. Next time I'm in a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime...I am saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
(3) I felt that my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxema. They are off-white.
(4) If the number 13 is unlucky than so should the letter B be because B looks like a scrunched together 13. "What's your name?" "Bob" "Get the hell away."
(5) I had a cold sore so I put some Carmex on it. Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores. I don't know if it does, but it will make them shinier and more noticeable.
Monday, October 22, 2007
To The Stoner Who Works At Cottage Inn Pizza
The following is stolen from a Craigslister in Ann Arbor.
You: the guy who answers the phone at cottage inn pizza.
Me: Hungry and stoned out of my gourd.
I called you from my cell phone but had completely forgot who I was calling by the time you answered the phone. Of course, you were also baked to bajeezus and forgot to tell me that I had called Cottage Inn.
When you answered and said, “Whatsup?” I thought about it, and after a 20 second pause I told you that was hungry. You suggested I try a pizza, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea.
Then I asked you if you sold pizza and you said that you could make me one. I said I wanted anchovies and something else on my pizza. You asked me what that something else was.
We spent five minutes listing toppings until we figured out that I was trying to remember how to say: “Sun dried Tomatoes.” When you said: “We'll bake that right up for you,” we both started laughing uncontrollably.
It was the best pizza I ever had; I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.
You: the guy who answers the phone at cottage inn pizza.
Me: Hungry and stoned out of my gourd.
I called you from my cell phone but had completely forgot who I was calling by the time you answered the phone. Of course, you were also baked to bajeezus and forgot to tell me that I had called Cottage Inn.
When you answered and said, “Whatsup?” I thought about it, and after a 20 second pause I told you that was hungry. You suggested I try a pizza, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea.
Then I asked you if you sold pizza and you said that you could make me one. I said I wanted anchovies and something else on my pizza. You asked me what that something else was.
We spent five minutes listing toppings until we figured out that I was trying to remember how to say: “Sun dried Tomatoes.” When you said: “We'll bake that right up for you,” we both started laughing uncontrollably.
It was the best pizza I ever had; I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Odd Voicemails.
I recently received a string of voicemails from some lady named "Nicole" who appears to think my blackberry is "Rob's" cell phone.
Hey Rob, it's Nicole. And Danny and Yoshida. We were in movie, it's 5:30, we're in the Emeryville marketplace food court, I'm looking for soup, they're looking for chinese food and hot dogs. (giggle). Okay, the phone's back on. Call us back later.
Hey it's me. So 24 hours later, I'm flush. I'm going to be here until 3:00. Me meaning Nicole, hopefully that's recognizable. I'm happy to loan you the fundage, but I'm at the doctor's office right now and we'd have to go tonight or tomorrow morning. Since that's my next available...tomorrow morning. Uhh what a mess. Please call my cell for the next 24 hours because Dave's at the office, some weird stuff is on, and um, I will talk to you about it in person...okay...bye.
Hey Robert it's Nicole. I am, it's 9:15 on Sunday night, I'm hoping we can do this earlier tomorrow morning like I'm hoping 9:00 or something, rather than later, because I have to do some stuff with Allison later. Um, anyways. Gonna go to work. Give me a call. I'm gonna be up until 11:00 tonight. Hopefully talk to you later. Give me a call back if you can. Okay bye. (pause). Also I have your shovel at my house, the wooden one, it was Andy's, it's nice, not sure if you want to use that one or what. Okay give me a call. Bye.
Hey Rob it's me! Um. I just left your place and um I just talked with Allison and wondered what she was doing tomorrow morning cause I was gonna help you do another load. She said "Oh, I don't know" so guess what?!?, you've got two of us in the morning!! Call me around 8:30 so we can really get it going by um 9:00 or 9:30 because um Allison needs to be done at 12:00 so she can be somewhere at 1:00. So, um, we should be able to do it I think. Okay? Three of us on deck, we're rolling. And hey by the way do you like pumpkin pie? Something in me says OH YEAH, it's orange, he'll eat it. (pause). Bye.
Good morning Rob it's Nicole I know I'm calling early it's 8. Two things. I'm seeing how your face is, how's your swelling?, and um, the other thing is, um, I'm busy this morning and the day but the early evening like about the same time, um, I could go over to Michelle's with you. It's Wednesday and I'm leaving the house at 9:00 and um do you need some soup? How ya feelin! I'm gonna go through my kitchen today so I know I have some stuff for you, for your kitchen. Okay. Bye.
Hey Rob, it's Nicole. And Danny and Yoshida. We were in movie, it's 5:30, we're in the Emeryville marketplace food court, I'm looking for soup, they're looking for chinese food and hot dogs. (giggle). Okay, the phone's back on. Call us back later.
Hey it's me. So 24 hours later, I'm flush. I'm going to be here until 3:00. Me meaning Nicole, hopefully that's recognizable. I'm happy to loan you the fundage, but I'm at the doctor's office right now and we'd have to go tonight or tomorrow morning. Since that's my next available...tomorrow morning. Uhh what a mess. Please call my cell for the next 24 hours because Dave's at the office, some weird stuff is on, and um, I will talk to you about it in person...okay...bye.
Hey Robert it's Nicole. I am, it's 9:15 on Sunday night, I'm hoping we can do this earlier tomorrow morning like I'm hoping 9:00 or something, rather than later, because I have to do some stuff with Allison later. Um, anyways. Gonna go to work. Give me a call. I'm gonna be up until 11:00 tonight. Hopefully talk to you later. Give me a call back if you can. Okay bye. (pause). Also I have your shovel at my house, the wooden one, it was Andy's, it's nice, not sure if you want to use that one or what. Okay give me a call. Bye.
Hey Rob it's me! Um. I just left your place and um I just talked with Allison and wondered what she was doing tomorrow morning cause I was gonna help you do another load. She said "Oh, I don't know" so guess what?!?, you've got two of us in the morning!! Call me around 8:30 so we can really get it going by um 9:00 or 9:30 because um Allison needs to be done at 12:00 so she can be somewhere at 1:00. So, um, we should be able to do it I think. Okay? Three of us on deck, we're rolling. And hey by the way do you like pumpkin pie? Something in me says OH YEAH, it's orange, he'll eat it. (pause). Bye.
Good morning Rob it's Nicole I know I'm calling early it's 8. Two things. I'm seeing how your face is, how's your swelling?, and um, the other thing is, um, I'm busy this morning and the day but the early evening like about the same time, um, I could go over to Michelle's with you. It's Wednesday and I'm leaving the house at 9:00 and um do you need some soup? How ya feelin! I'm gonna go through my kitchen today so I know I have some stuff for you, for your kitchen. Okay. Bye.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
We are old ladies.
Leslie (text): I made some beer-battered brussel sprouts tonight.
Linda (text): Martha Stewart has nothing on you
[Time elapses. Conversation picks up in person.]
Linda: So you beer-battered your brussel sprouts? How were they?
Leslie: Good. You've been making all the brussel sprouts recently and then last night the squash, and it got me in the mood to start experimenting and trying to outdo myself.
Linda: We should make butternut squash! That was better than the acorn squash I made last night. Also, they're phallic.
Leslie: Definitely. Maybe we could compete-
Linda: YES
Leslie - by each making half of a squash.
Linda: YES
Leslie: ....
Linda: (gazing downward, serious) Maybe Sunday evening......I don't know.
Leslie: You are totally Will Ferrell in Old School right now.
Linda (text): Martha Stewart has nothing on you
[Time elapses. Conversation picks up in person.]
Linda: So you beer-battered your brussel sprouts? How were they?
Leslie: Good. You've been making all the brussel sprouts recently and then last night the squash, and it got me in the mood to start experimenting and trying to outdo myself.
Linda: We should make butternut squash! That was better than the acorn squash I made last night. Also, they're phallic.
Leslie: Definitely. Maybe we could compete-
Linda: YES
Leslie - by each making half of a squash.
Linda: YES
Leslie: ....
Linda: (gazing downward, serious) Maybe Sunday evening......I don't know.
Leslie: You are totally Will Ferrell in Old School right now.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
"Wyland!!! He paints those beautiful pictures of dolphins!"
....I heard one middle-aged lady say that to another today.
Yikes. If Kinkade is the Painter of Light, Wyland is Painter of the Seas. Growing up in San Diego with Seaport Village, I know this stuff sells and sells good. I can't believe people pay for this crap while real artists are starving. I bet Wyland doesn't fit into skinny jeans (if you know what I'm saying). But maybe I'm being too harsh. If art doesn't take something real, like a dolphin, and make it look more airbrushed and pretty, I don't know what "art" is and frankly I don't care.
Example 1: Dolphin Serenity. Two dolphins dance in an ancient ritual that has occurred for millions of years throughout all the oceans of the world. "I tried to capture that special moment from a rare fish eye view that will inspire all of us to protect their water home."
Example 2: Dolphin Synchronicity. “Dolphins are extremely social,” Wyland says. “They eat together, breathe together, swim together. Part of this is for their protection, but after watching them over the last twenty-five years I have to conclude that they actually seem to enjoy each other’s company.” In his new bronze sculpture, “Dolphin Synchronicity,” Wyland shows a trio of dolphins doing what they do best — rushing through the sea with a series of acrobatic leaps. [Eds note: Looks a little sexier than plain acrobatics to me].
Example 3: Dolphin Days. Oahu’s North Shore is home to Pacific bottlenose dolphins, green sea turtles and many colorful reef fish. As the sun sets off Keana Point and day turns into night the extreme beauty of this island paradise comes alive.
Yikes. If Kinkade is the Painter of Light, Wyland is Painter of the Seas. Growing up in San Diego with Seaport Village, I know this stuff sells and sells good. I can't believe people pay for this crap while real artists are starving. I bet Wyland doesn't fit into skinny jeans (if you know what I'm saying). But maybe I'm being too harsh. If art doesn't take something real, like a dolphin, and make it look more airbrushed and pretty, I don't know what "art" is and frankly I don't care.
Example 1: Dolphin Serenity. Two dolphins dance in an ancient ritual that has occurred for millions of years throughout all the oceans of the world. "I tried to capture that special moment from a rare fish eye view that will inspire all of us to protect their water home."
Example 2: Dolphin Synchronicity. “Dolphins are extremely social,” Wyland says. “They eat together, breathe together, swim together. Part of this is for their protection, but after watching them over the last twenty-five years I have to conclude that they actually seem to enjoy each other’s company.” In his new bronze sculpture, “Dolphin Synchronicity,” Wyland shows a trio of dolphins doing what they do best — rushing through the sea with a series of acrobatic leaps. [Eds note: Looks a little sexier than plain acrobatics to me].
Example 3: Dolphin Days. Oahu’s North Shore is home to Pacific bottlenose dolphins, green sea turtles and many colorful reef fish. As the sun sets off Keana Point and day turns into night the extreme beauty of this island paradise comes alive.
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Napper Tandy
I found my new favorite bar last Saturday. Located at 24th & S.Van Ness in the Mission District of San Francisco, it came out of nowhere and totally hit the spot. Bless you, The Napper Tandy.
Fall is upon us. In addition to eating many brussel sprouts and roasted meats, I've been craving a quiet dark wood-panelled bar with rain dappled windowpanes and a fireplace and maybe bookshelves. Just to like have a Guiness and kick it all mellow and cozy or something.
So imagine my delight when, walking home after a mediocre Oaxacan art experience, Amy, Dan and I pop into the Napper Tandy for a quick drink. The place is small and wood panelled and is kinda like an Irish pub but with a sports bar and divey feel. The clientele was an impossible mix of blue collars, real Irish people, professional alcoholics, and a sprinkling of (here's the impossible part) unannoying hipsters. We sat down around a big huge barrel-cum-table and noted our good fortune.
Shortly thereafter, a dude busts out a laptop and some speakers in the corner of the bar and starts handing out karaoke menus. That was awesome because he seemed completely unaffiliated with the bar staff. It became even more awesome when people started singing and we kept drinking. A corn-fed fratty or just ruddy-faced Irish dude sang/yelled Frank Sinatra ("I did it - fucking - Myyyy! Waaaay!"). A large gothy woman who was double fisting bloody marys and kept saying "I'm so wasted. I am a reverend. I just married my friends!" sang Total Eclipse of the Heart. A short man appeared a full suit and sang Copacabana. And then Corn Fed was back singing the White Stripes' Seven Nation Army and we looked over and the karaoke DJ was accompaning with slide whistle like he was Kenny G. That is when we lost it, erupted in laughter, slapped our knees, and declared it the best bar ever.
And guess the DJ's response to our laughter. He pulled a cow bell from his backpack and gave it to us. I shit you not. A cow bell. We played the crap out of that cow bell. I am totally buying a recorder or a triangle or some wooden rectangle blocks and showing up next Saturday.
PS: Cool homeless people in the area. We're reading Gravity's Rainbow for our book club, and when Amy and Dad were walking home some dude exclaimed - out of nowhere! - "Gravity's Rainbow is difficult but worth it."
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Clowns: Friend or Foe?
Hey let's talk about clowns! Here are some thoughts to get us started.
(1) My brother's childhood bedroom had several framed clown faces. Most were illustrations and I think that's just how my parents decorated his room (versus it being something he liked). They were serious-faced and I remember them with a mix of interest and distrust.
(2) Pennywise. In junior high my friends Erin and Alli and I spent many evenings watching It and eating shephard's pie. It was just what we did for a few months.
(3) What's the worst thing about having sex with children? Getting blood on your clownsuit.
(4) Diane Keaton collects clown paintings and put out the simply titled book Clown Paintings. It contains many paintings alongside quotes from comedians (most of whom, not surprisingly, hate clowns).
(6) Capturing the Friedmans is a great documentary following a high school computer science teacher caught in a child pornography sting and then charged with molesting many of his students. He eventually pled guilty to sodomy and sexual abuse, as did his youngest son, but the documentary is fascinating because it consists of family home videos and one never really knows whether such abuse actually occurred. Interestingly, the filmmaker got the idea for the documentary when he was interviewing entertainers on the Manhattan child's party circuit. The most successful clown seemed to have a hidden sadness, and upon further digging, the filmmaker discovered his father was Mr. Friedman.
(7) Serial killer John Wayne Gacy, who raped and murdered 33 boys and young men (29 of whom he buried under his house) is known as the "Killer Clown" because of the many block parties he threw for his friends and neighbors, entertaining children in a clown suit and makeup under the name of "Pogo the Clown."
(8) Jack Perry (Zig of the popular Australian clown duo, Zig and Zag) raped his own grandaughter and pled guilty in 1994.
(1) My brother's childhood bedroom had several framed clown faces. Most were illustrations and I think that's just how my parents decorated his room (versus it being something he liked). They were serious-faced and I remember them with a mix of interest and distrust.
(2) Pennywise. In junior high my friends Erin and Alli and I spent many evenings watching It and eating shephard's pie. It was just what we did for a few months.
(3) What's the worst thing about having sex with children? Getting blood on your clownsuit.
(4) Diane Keaton collects clown paintings and put out the simply titled book Clown Paintings. It contains many paintings alongside quotes from comedians (most of whom, not surprisingly, hate clowns).
(5) I love the Saw movies. My friend Katie just went to her high school reunion in Kansas and hung out with the writer/director. I now have a cocktail napkin that says "Linda - Stay sick & twisted. Darren Bousman."
(6) Capturing the Friedmans is a great documentary following a high school computer science teacher caught in a child pornography sting and then charged with molesting many of his students. He eventually pled guilty to sodomy and sexual abuse, as did his youngest son, but the documentary is fascinating because it consists of family home videos and one never really knows whether such abuse actually occurred. Interestingly, the filmmaker got the idea for the documentary when he was interviewing entertainers on the Manhattan child's party circuit. The most successful clown seemed to have a hidden sadness, and upon further digging, the filmmaker discovered his father was Mr. Friedman.
(7) Serial killer John Wayne Gacy, who raped and murdered 33 boys and young men (29 of whom he buried under his house) is known as the "Killer Clown" because of the many block parties he threw for his friends and neighbors, entertaining children in a clown suit and makeup under the name of "Pogo the Clown."
(8) Jack Perry (Zig of the popular Australian clown duo, Zig and Zag) raped his own grandaughter and pled guilty in 1994. 
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Chemistry of Kissing
Another in my series of entertaining MSN "Dating and Relating" articles. Comments in italics.
You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss. Hang on a minute. No it isn’t! Because when it comes to dating, a kiss can change everything. Sometimes it’s spine-tinglingly magical and sends shivers from your neck to your toes. And sometimes, well, it feels more like licking a wet fish. While the chemistry you feel on your night out says a lot about how the kiss might go, there are a few things you can do to increase your chances of butterflies, chills, fireworks, and other memory-making moments. Try these lip-smacking tips to make this the first of many kisses to come.
You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss. Hang on a minute. No it isn’t! Because when it comes to dating, a kiss can change everything. Sometimes it’s spine-tinglingly magical and sends shivers from your neck to your toes. And sometimes, well, it feels more like licking a wet fish. While the chemistry you feel on your night out says a lot about how the kiss might go, there are a few things you can do to increase your chances of butterflies, chills, fireworks, and other memory-making moments. Try these lip-smacking tips to make this the first of many kisses to come.
Okay this is just the introduction and I already feel uncomfortable and I'm making a disgusted frowny face.
Read when the moment is right. If you really can’t read your date, make yourself available for your date to make the move. Lee’s suggestions: Stand close to your date, and let your arm rub against his or hers. Face your date with your arms open, not crossed, to show you’re open to a kiss. Tell your date you had a good time, and ask your date how they felt. And most important? “Smile. A lot of people are turned on by a smile, which shows you’re comfortable with the person you’re with and happy. If your date thinks he or she is making you happy,” points out Lee, “then he or she is likely to think a kiss can make you even happier.”
This is totally a Sims game, where you make some figure shimmy robotically sideways, brush arms, turn 90 degrees, open their arms a tad, and then the other figure embraces them (also robotically). Maybe the part about smiling is true, I don't know, all I know is it's totally gross and awkward to articulate that. I can't even explain how creeped out I am, you guys.
Lock lips in a place where you don’t have to hold back. Yes, it’s romantic to kiss, say, out on a street corner, but if you’re not the PDA type, you might end up holding back during your kiss. And those unsure feelings could hold back a fireworks-worthy performance. The fact is, kissing signals our brains to produce oxytocin, a hormone that gives us that wonderful, weak-kneed feeling. And the chemicals that produced that feeling prompt you to want to kiss more and create more, like a love drug. To make sure nothing stops that chemistry-building chemical process, make sure you’re in a spot where you feel comfortable and safe, and you’re not worried about what you’re doing or who’s watching: Move inside a doorway, behind a column, into a quiet room, or in the front seat of a dark car. That way, you and your date’s bodies will be free to do what they’re — ahhhhh, sigh, melt — supposed to.
The last thing you wanna do is stop a chemistry-building chemical process. Wait, what? I just, ugh, it's so gross that somebody sat down and thought about this and typed it out and edited it and published it. "You might end up holding back during your kiss...like a love drug....you and your date's bodies fee to do what they're... " ARGH. Fuck. Stop it!
Make eye contact before, during, and after your kiss. Eye contact immediately ups the intimacy level of any sexual act, say experts—so if you’re smooching with your peepers shut tight, you could be missing out! Even recently-single singer Jessica Simpson is a fan of opening her eyes during a smooch. “I love to kiss with my eyes open,” she’s said. “It’s kind of weird because you might only see one eyeball, but it’s amazing what you can see through someone’s eyes. It sounds clichéd, but the eyes really are the window to the soul.” So, before you go for gold, take a few seconds — one Mississippi, two Mississippi — to look at your partner eye-to-eye and establish this is a special moment between the two of you. After you first kiss, pull back, open your eyes, really look at your date, then kiss again. Then, open your eyes once during the kiss to bring the personal touch home.
Smooching with peepers shut tight. Say that five times and your brain will explode. Thank god there's a Jessica Simpson quote so we can laugh and relieve the tension. Because then it says to "establish this is a special moment between the two of you," and "bring the personal touch home." Holy SHIT.
Feel free to talk a little. Kissing is such a strong language, it’s easy to wonder: Does yapping in between smooches ruin the moment? Not always. Compliments do two things. “One, they show that you’re serious about the particular person you’re kissing, and that it’s truly personal,” says Christian. “Two, it communicates that you’re in the first stage of what your body wishes was a bigger, closer connection. Your feelings are so huge, you’re having to hold back. This says it’s not just a kiss, it’s the start of something incredible.” Let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to know they’re causing that?
Okay, am I going to laugh or cry? Some kind of hysterics are about to happen. I absolutely cannot handle this last part about bodies wishing for a closer connection and "the start of something incredible." I can't even make this funny. Nothing in this post is funny. I'm seriously just too creeped out.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Zach Galanofamarrymerightnow.
Zach Galafianakis in Ellen's audience. I love this so much. Reminds me of when my mom and I sat in the audience for Jim Carrey on Ellen (mom loves "his contortions"). A mercifully brief clip of our dancing made it on air.
The Gold Club
I ate lunch at The Gold Club last Friday with Mama J and Cyn W. The $5 midday cover buys you not only one ticket to paradise but also a free buffet. I'm talkin fried chicken and ribs and mashed potatoes and spring rolls and taquitos and salad and cookies.
We discussed pole technique, T versus A, outfits we'd wear as strippers, zoning ordinances and code enforcement against adult businesses, and what it would take for strippers to embody female empowerment. Good good times.
But I have a point here. Many of the ladies were, in obnoxious frat parlance, "beat". There was only one fresh faced attractive young thing that "got me to look at her face" (Mama and Cyn enjoyed that phrase). I know a lunchtime crowd is probably not when the foxes work it out, but I wonder how realistic fresh sexy strippers/prostitutes are and how much they cost. Anybody?
We discussed pole technique, T versus A, outfits we'd wear as strippers, zoning ordinances and code enforcement against adult businesses, and what it would take for strippers to embody female empowerment. Good good times.
But I have a point here. Many of the ladies were, in obnoxious frat parlance, "beat". There was only one fresh faced attractive young thing that "got me to look at her face" (Mama and Cyn enjoyed that phrase). I know a lunchtime crowd is probably not when the foxes work it out, but I wonder how realistic fresh sexy strippers/prostitutes are and how much they cost. Anybody?
Bologna sandwiches.
Paris Hilton: I don't really want to talk about [jail] anymore.
David Letterman: That's how you and I are different. Because that's all I want to talk about.
HaHa. OWNED.
David Letterman: That's how you and I are different. Because that's all I want to talk about.
HaHa. OWNED.
Anne
You know my MySpace friend Goldie. Meet another of my MySpace friends: Anne. She didn't just appear magically like Goldie did. No. She meticulously searched me out because we were both [sorority] at [university], despite the fact that she graduated in 1952.
She's a genealogist, Mayflower descendant, music lover, quilter, mother of five talented adult children, and lover of life. She likes good church music, some country with a good beat, or whatever else suits her fancy. She is not at all impressed with the reality shows but she likes the new woman president show. Authors? Dan Brown...and of course The Bible.
She's also friends with this dude Sheldon:
The End.
She's a genealogist, Mayflower descendant, music lover, quilter, mother of five talented adult children, and lover of life. She likes good church music, some country with a good beat, or whatever else suits her fancy. She is not at all impressed with the reality shows but she likes the new woman president show. Authors? Dan Brown...and of course The Bible.
She's also friends with this dude Sheldon:
The End.
I missed you too.
Apologies for the break.
My home internet/cable blew out last Tuesday and wasn't fixed until yesterday. It's a SUPER interesting story involving a lot of "We'll be there between 8-12 or 1-5 [and if you leave the house for just 10 minutes we won't call you we'll reschedule but not tell you for when, repeat, repeat, repeat, comedy of retarded errors]."
I take my internet intraveneously, so it was hard going cold turkey. As Magda wrote: "My internet/cable went away for like a day and a half and Month and I stared at each other, with trembling chins, wondering what we should do. We went to dinner, but when we came back, we were still lost little lambs. Turns out our neighbors, who were installing their DirecTV, accidentally unplugged our cable. I hope we never have to live through something like that again."
She's right. Nobody should have to live like that. But there are some benefits to spending a Saturday at home waiting for the cable guy without internet or television: (i) a clean-ass motherfucking apartment; (ii) watching Freaks and Geeks and remembering how good it is; (iii) reading 3 pages of Gravity's Rainbow.
My home internet/cable blew out last Tuesday and wasn't fixed until yesterday. It's a SUPER interesting story involving a lot of "We'll be there between 8-12 or 1-5 [and if you leave the house for just 10 minutes we won't call you we'll reschedule but not tell you for when, repeat, repeat, repeat, comedy of retarded errors]."
I take my internet intraveneously, so it was hard going cold turkey. As Magda wrote: "My internet/cable went away for like a day and a half and Month and I stared at each other, with trembling chins, wondering what we should do. We went to dinner, but when we came back, we were still lost little lambs. Turns out our neighbors, who were installing their DirecTV, accidentally unplugged our cable. I hope we never have to live through something like that again."
She's right. Nobody should have to live like that. But there are some benefits to spending a Saturday at home waiting for the cable guy without internet or television: (i) a clean-ass motherfucking apartment; (ii) watching Freaks and Geeks and remembering how good it is; (iii) reading 3 pages of Gravity's Rainbow.
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