Happy J.Gold?

I got tagged to do this chain-post by the drunk jew blogger, J.Gold, of GoldyWorld. I feel this is an unfair assignment because J.Gold just tagged almost all the bloggers I know (and also because these can be annoying), but I will do it because I owe J.Gold many vodka beverages, because he gave me a very thoughtful birthday gift, and because I just called him a drunk jew.

The Rules:

1. I will write 10 "interesting" things about myself.

2. I'll tag 2 people. Not 10, not 5. If I tagged more I'd be stealing from EvilQueenMagda, R Blog, or the Jo-Tel.

3. If you've been tagged, you do your own list and tag more people. (Unless you don't want to, in which case take it up with the drunk jew at GoldyWorld).

My Facts:

1. I chew approximately 3-5 pieces of gum each day.
2. I am a crazy nail biter, but I limit it mostly to 2 nails.
3. I eat at least 1 apple a day. Preferably Gala, Fuji, or Braeburn.
4. Often I need to "stretch my eyes" and I open them really wide. Repeatedly.
5. Sometimes when a phrase has a nice cadence I tap the syllables out on my teeth.
6. Surprisingly, I've never been diagnosed OCD.
7. I just ate half a container of "Betty Crocker Coconut Pecan" frosting.
8. I love the rain. And trees. And climbing vines.
9. I love crafts involving paper and collage and stencils.
10. I love BART because of nights like tonight. On my ride home two black hip hop guys asked two white punk girls whether they were goth and the four of them held a sharp, witty, and articulate conversation about streed cred and image.

The Links:

R Blog
a modern epistolary

Quotes

I realize the blog is becoming me quoting other people and/or articles. Parroting might be my medium.

Yesterday at a party my co-worker started off a sentence with: "So I was feeding my cat roast beef...."

Shine Sweet Freedom

Kristen, Andrea, Kendra and I stumbled upon Michael McDonald as an inside joke during the holidays of 2005. We spent a really long time trying to identify Sweet Freedom by saying "Aaack! What's that song?!? Who sings that!?" We thought it was Kenny Loggins for a long time until we pinned The Doobie Brothers and realized it was Michael McDonald. We also realized I have an amazing knack for singing "we'll keep the spirit a-li-i-ive!, on and o-o-on," but I digress.

Since then I've seen many Michael McDonald references. In "40 Year Old Virgin," Paul Rudd's character was nearly driven to "Ya Mo Burn this place to the ground," because the Best Buy-type store constantly loops a Michael McDonald concert on its many televisions. Then I saw a VH1 I Love the 70's thing referencing Michael McDonald. At one point Karl joked "I'll be there. You could also say Ya Mo B There." Most recently, an episode of "30 Rock" had Tracy Morgan's character wanting to record Michael McDonald cover album. (To deliver the news that he didn't get copyright permission, the intern hums "What a Fool Believes" and says "Oh Tracy, you can't use any of my songs.")

One could argue Mikey McD is the best go-to funny musical act of recent history, possibly overtaking Phil Collins or even Barry Manilow. Here's some fun Wikipedia info:

• Michael McDonald is an American R&B/soul singer (sometimes described as a "blue-eyed soul" singer), known for his tall, physically attractive figure and his trademark husky baritone voice.
• He first gained wide attention as an adjunct member of the group Steely Dan.
• "I Keep Forgettin'," a duet with his sister Maureen, was later sampled by Warren G and Nate Dogg in the hugely popular "Regulate."
• He also sang "Eyes of a Child" (written by Trey Parker), the ending credits song satirizing his career and songs, for the 1999 animated film South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.
• Beginning in 2005, an Internet-based comedy series of video shorts called "Yacht Rock" has fictionalized the smooth songwriting exploits of McDonald and frequent collaborator Kenny Loggins.

Bob Saget

How much would you pay to see Bob Saget? He's playing at the Warfield here in San Francisco and when I went to buy tickets online they appeared to be $100. I ended up getting them for $38.50 which feels right in my heart but I wonder how high I would've gone. For what price comedy, my friends?

Mom's Corner

I asked Mom's permission to quote her on the blog. She said yes!

On dog grooming: "In the beginning we had Maggie groomed to acclimate her to the setting so she wouldn't be nervous or afraid. We frequently touched her eyes, tail, paws, nails and cleaned her ears and genitalia. Goldendoodles, like any long-haired dog, need hair trimmed around their genitalia to keep from infections (we're not comfortable doing that yet). Their ears need the wax to be wiped out, their nails clipped once in a while, and hair under the eyes can be trimmed when/if it grows up into the eyes. We haven't bathed her ourselves yet, but we will now that it's warmer and she can dry outside au naturale. We also wanted to find a groomer that left her with the scruffy look, so that we'd know how to do that ourselves. Puppies really don't have to be bathed often, so I use johnson & johnson's baby shampoo so her skin won't dry out. Maybe all of this SHOULD be in a blog!!! ...heck, ya, put me down for blogging :). "

"In a World...."

You know those annoying dramatic voiceovers from movie previews that start out basically: IN A WORLD.....where Tom Cruise battles aliens/ where Cary Elwes is a psycho killer/where Dakota Fanning gets raped?

I totally had that voice in mind today when I received the following email from J.Crew:

"Style Tip: Add a Monogram

There are 101 reasons to monogram...
we just thought of one more.

(Mother's Day is May 13th)"

Yo Soy Shortie

Last Sunday when I was pumping gas some huge dude in a beige velour sweatsuit, with several gold teeth, and driving a fancy Escalade was like "Hey cutie, how's it going? You live around here? Noe Valley is nice. I live in Bernal myself. You a student? You seem like a student. What's your name? You Scandanavian? Yeah. I played basketball in Europe for 20 years so I KNOW you look like it. Blonde cutie. You like basketball? I got tickets, we'll go. Professional ball. No? Okay, it's all good. (Pause). We all good? We all good. You have a great day cutie."

Then the Escalade made a comically tiny honk when it exited the gas station.

In Uteri

Today. Mexico legalized abortion. This is good news because it previously allowed abortion only in cases of rape, severe birth defects, or if the woman's life was at risk. Doctors sometimes refused to perform the procedure even under those circumstances. The new law will require city hospitals to provide the procedure through the end of the first trimester and opens the way for private abortion clinics.

Last Week. The New York Times addressed FDA approval of a birth control pill that eliminates periods as long as the woman takes it. The article chronicled the mixed reactions.

The positive reactions included:

• cool my period is annoying;
• the periods women have on regular birth control pills are not real periods anyway because the pill prevents release of eggs and buildup of uterine lining; and
• "company-financed research indicating that women often feel less effective at work and school during their periods. They limit sexual activity and exercise, wear dark clothes and stay home more, resulting in absenteeism... Menstrual suppression may be particularly appealing to women who suffer severe pain, heavy bleeding or emotional problems during their periods" (taken, I assume, from 50's Home Economics slideshow).

The negative reactions were things like:

• periods are not a sickness that must be cured;
• are there risks associated with a hormone cycle less like the 28-day natural one;
• periods provide comfort that one is not pregnant;
• periods are a part of womanhood; and
• Anne Frank mused in her diary "I have the feeling that in spite of all the pain, unpleasantness and nastiness I have a sweet secret" (oh good, I was wondering what Anne Frank thought).

I'm conflicted because I think birth control pills were hugely important to women. They freed married women from the chain of baby baby baby, and they allowed single women to control their sex lives with less fear of getting knocked up and chastized. The pills basically took the wind out of the "biology as destiny" sails.

Reading the article, however, I started having all these Handmaid's Tale/Brave New World style thoughts about a future in which periods are eliminated. It creeps me out frankly. What if women who bled couldn't get jobs because they were perceived to be emotional and unfit for the workplace? Or what if women who bled couldn't get men? It really suits the societal trend to deem attractive that which is not really woman but child. We already receive the message that to be attractive we should eliminate our armpit hair, pubic hair, hips, and curves because men can only get it up for prepubescent children (silicone aside). Now we have to make sure we don't get our fucking periods? What is that bullshit?

Frank "Ponch" Poncherello

LOS ANGELES -- Erik Estrada has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Estrada, best known for playing California Highway Patrol Officer Frank "Ponch" Poncherello in "CHiPs" was accompanied by family members, comedian Paul Rodriguez and highway patrol officials during a Thursday afternoon ceremony.

The 58-year-old said his appearance on "CHiPs" satisfied two of his dreams. "One, of course, a certain amount of success in the entertainment business, for which I really am extremely grateful and I'm very proud," Estrada said. "But equally important, it represents my childhood dream of becoming a police officer."

Found Items: Target

This afternoon I found the following in a bathroom stall at the Daly City Target:

(1) Diaper; and

(2) Target-brand pregnancy test

Found Items: Laundry

I just found the following downstairs on our washing machine:

(1) Taqueria Cancun receipt - $4.50 Vegit. Burrito & $3.00 Juice

(2) 1 Piso - Republika NC Pilipinas

(3) Dirty surgical mask

Mom's Corner

I plan to start "Mom's Corner" because my mom writes a funny email, usually involving the family pets, and usually involving their ingestion (eating other animals) or digestion (poop or vomit). Those of you that know my mom know this shit will be goood. Today, however, I'm settling for this chain featuring the entire familia de Linda:

Mother: Right outside our t.v. room patio door is a tiny nest being made for the first time. It surprises me that the birds want a nest so close to the most active side of the house and the busiest door. You can see the bird's eyes reflecting in the [attached] photo inside the tiny nest. For the last two days birds fly over the backyard fence and directly into that small palm. I just noticed the nest this morning, however. I can't wait to see the eggs being laid and the babies hatch...if Gretyl [cat] permits that to happen...I found her eating a small bird on the outside mat just two days ago, before I realized what the birds were attempting to do. They're persistent parents, I guess. Anyway, I wanted to share the activity with my nature-loving family.

Brother: This story took a turn for the gruesome! Didn't expect that at all.

Linda: Gretyl has a taste for blood.

Dad: Gretyl is a connoisseur of rare delicacies, especially the endangered California Gnatcatcher.

Brother: After all this time, you're still resenting the little bird that singlehandedly caused the total collapse of the California real estate market, eh Dad?

Mom: Should I send a picture of the half-eaten gopher and a rat with its guts hanging out so you can feel sorry for them too? BTW: Research shows this innocent, tiny bird is a type of sparrow which hasn't affected real estate yet!

Dad: Like Gretyl, I love the little warblers. There's not much meat on them though. I like them deep fried in a tempura batter. The California Gnatcatcher tastes just like the Mexican Gnatcatcher; I can't discern any difference between the two species.

I Enjoy the Guayabera

I do. I can't explain why exactly. They remind me of a variety of unrelated things: (a) my high school Spanish teacher showing a picture and calling it "the Mexican tuxedo;" (b) earnest cuddly Cuban grandpas; (c) late 90's men a'la Swingers; (d) hot scruffy college dudes who recently returned from wordly travels. It's a breezy happy shirt.

Also I just like saying "guayabera."

Calling Dr. Freud

A few weeks ago my mom and brother emailed about songs for the mother/son dance at his wedding. My mom told me: "Brother didn't like my suggestions because they were too 'sappy,' so he suggested 'Love your Mamma' by Mr. T.....is he spoofing me again?!?" Brother then separately emailed me: "Our mother wanted 'Time of Your Life' by Green Day."

I started thinking of funny songs for their mother/song dance. Annie suggested they start slow dancing and then a loud record scratch interrupts them and 'Bust A Move' comes on. Good idea, Annie. But what I think would be funniest is if they did a kind of dancing call-and-respond duet as follows:

Brother:

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want

Mother:

Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Brother:

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need


....and so on. There won't be a dry eye in the house.

American Wisdom

Today Jeff told me I have to go to The Books show on Monday because "so long as you can be there by nine you have NO EXCUSES!!! LINDA YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE!!! I think I saw that on a 'No Fear' shirt in high school. No, actually I owned that shirt."

There is a lot of great (and xtreme) wisdom on No Fear shirts. I searched the web and collected the best ones so you don't have to. Pull up a chair and enjoy a cup of American wisdom:

• Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on.
• You must be fast cause I was haulin ass when I passed you.
• It takes two, baby.
• Win some wreck some.
• Been there wrecked that.
• Does not play well with others.
• 2nd place is 1st loser.
• Surfing sucks: Don't try it; you'll hate it.
• Legal and tender.
• Bigger the cushion better the pushin.
• You'll be needing these [lugg nut image].
• Drive it like you stole it.
• Killswitch engage.
• No scars, no scrapes, no proof.
• He who dies with the most toys....still dies.
• Gimme some action.
• Boris: If a chimp can fly a spaceship...
• Blow me.
• Injection is nice but I'd rather be blown.

Office Comedy in Three Parts

PART I

Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2007 12:31 PM
Subject: Bed Bath and Beyond

We received a box from Bed Bath and Beyond without a name associated. If this is yours, please let us know.

PART II

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2007 11:23 AM
Subject: Bed Bath & Beyond Crock Pot..from Mom

Hello All. We have a gift wrapped Crock Pot from Bed Bath & Beyond, note attached from someone's mother "Have fun with this! Love, Mom". It has been in the workroom for over a week with no takers.

Rather than breaking someone's mothers heart and just give this away, we wanted the rightful owner to step forward. Stephanie has first dibs if there are no claims. Thanks for your time.

PART III

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2007 11:31 AM
Subject: Crock Pot Claimed

The Crock belongs to Justine. Thanks for your patience with these messages.

Get Your Bib On

A few months ago I attended a crab feed honoring the police and firepersons of the city for which I work. The feed took place in a senior center on a Saturday night in what maybe also doubled as a gymnasium? I procured a plastic cup of warm chardonnay and sat down.

Everybody at my table started unrolling their plastic utensils, and, noticing that the utensils were wrapped in a plastic bib, went ahead and just put the bibs on even though (a) there was no food in sight, and (b) the bib had a huge red lobster on it, and the lobster had its arms apart holding silverware.

While I chatted with my tablemate, apparently the master of ceremonies started calling out the names of city staff and asking them to remain standing, because I vaguely hear "Councilmember Smith...Redevelopment Director Jones," then suddenly it's "and Linda's Job!" I pop up from my chair and wave awkwardly, smoothing my huge lobster bib, realizing I'm the ONLY PERSON standing and wearing the lobster bib. Awesome.

PMS

The following lyrics may or may not have made me cry on the drive home tonight:

Will Smith
Just The Two Of Us

(Now dad this is a very sensitive subject)
From the first time the doctor placed you in my arms
I knew I'd meet death before I'd let you meet harm
Although questions arose in my mind, would I be man enough?
Against wrong, choose right and be standin up
From the hospital that first night
Took a hour just ta get the carseat in right
People drivin all fast, got me kinda upset
Got you home safe, placed you in your basonette
That night I don't think one wink I slept
As I slipped out my bed, to your crib I crept
Touched your head gently, felt my heart melt
Cause I know I loved you more than life itself
Then to my knees, and I begged the Lord please
Let me be a good daddy, all he needs
Love, knowledge, discipline too I pledge my life to you

Chorus: Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us,
(Just the two of us)
Just the two of us, building castles in the sky
Just the two of us, you and I

Verse 2:
Five years old, bringin comedy
Everytime I look at you I think man, a little me
Just like me Wait an see gonna be tall
Makes me laugh cause you got your dads ears an all
Sometimes I wonder, what you gonna be
A General, a Doctor, maybe a MC
Haha, I wanna kiss you all the time
But I will test that butt when you cut outta line, trudat
Uh-uh-uh why you do dat?
I try to be a tough dad, but you be makin me laugh
Crazy joy, when I see the eyes of my baby boy
I pledge to you, I will always do
Everything I can
Show you how to be a man
Dignity, integrity, honor an
An I don't mind if you lose, long as you came with it
An you can cry, ain't no shame it it
It didn't work out with me an your mom
But yo, push come to shove
You was conceived in love
So if the world attacks, and you slide off track
Remember one fact, I got your back

Chorus

Verse 3:
It's a full-time job to be a good dad
You got so much more stuff than I had
I gotta study just to keep with the changin times
101 Dalmations on your CD-ROM
See me-I'm
Tryin to pretend I know
On my PC where that CD go
But yo, ain't nuthin promised, one day I'll be gone
Feel the strife, but trust life does go wrong
But just in case It's my place
To impart
One day some girl's gonna break your heart
And ooh ain't no pain like from the opposite sex
Gonna hurt bad, but don't take it out on the next, son
Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too
Always tell the truth, say your prayers
Hold doors, pull out chairs, easy on the swears
You're living proof that dreams do come true
I love you and I'm here for you

Chorus to fade

(This is a good song dad, how much am I gettin paid for this?)

I know he's done with mocumentaries, but....

Christopher Guest should make a movie about local government. Tonight at a Planning Commission one little white haired woman said the following in a three-minute span: (1) "that Chinaman," (2) "kids go there for necking," and (3) "that walnut tree is not native, it was planted by animals."

On Massages

I got a massage tonight. The massage itself was awesome, very sports-therapy-and-acupressure-we-are-not-fucking-around kinda thing. This place has a great (deserved!) reputation. But. There is a limit to how far even a utilitarian massage can veer from the Enya and lavender bullshit, and I have a few questions:

(1) Must you wear mandals? When I look through the donut hole and follow your courduroy pants down to your feet, my eyes should not widen at the sight of hair and toenails bound in what appear to be Tevas.

(2) Is Led Zeppelin the best choice of music? I'll grant you The Rain Song is perhaps the most relaxing of the Zeppelin catalog, but it seemed out of place. My mind kept running to Wayne and Garth and "No Stairway to Heaven" which is not what I want when somebody's rubbing my body with oil.

(3) This one is not a question but a directive: No mouthbreathing.

Cat Fancy

I could say "Cat Fancy" over and over and never tire of it. It's a funny phrase and although I've never opened one, I instinctively know the magazine is comedy gold. I understand there are a series of Fancies for various animals, which amuses me.

Anyhew. This morning my running buddy randomly revealed she had a subscription as a child. After squealing "Cat Fancy!?!" in a delighted tone of voice, I told her I recently watched a Colbert Report in which Stephen joked Cat Fancy had named him Man of the Year (or something). He put both his arms straight out, pointed finger guns at the camera, and said earnestly "Thank you Cat Fancy."

Tina Fey

(1) On Paris Hilton: "You would walk down the hall and find what just looked like nasty wads of Barbie hair on the stairs... Her hair is like a Fraggle."

(2) On High Definition TV: "I hate being shot on HD video, because I look like two Frankensteins raped a Dracula."

Steve Gutenberg

Annie and I meant to "bring back The Gutenberg" in 2004. It never happened.

Then, a few weeks ago while watching a Parenthood double-header, I realized I often confuse Steve Gutenberg with Rick Moranis. Dan confuses Steve Gutenberg with Albert Brooks. Could there be too many bumbling neurotic curly haired men in film? Because I say there can never be too many.

Now n' Laters

"My name is Melissa and I am utterly in love with Now and Laters. I am only fourteen years of age, so I don't have a childhood memory from so long ago. BUT!! I have always remembered my first taste of a Now and Later. I was 5; it was warm outside, summer time. The breeze was blowing against my face, and I was desperate for a fruity refreshment. Unfortunately the only sweet candy we had was chocolate which I pretty much despise. I asked politely to go to the store with my mother and she agreed. While we were there I searched the candy racks for goodies but none of the regular candies suited my likings. SO! I'm trotting along and there they were - my first pack of Now and Laters. From that day on I have had insane cravings for Now and Laters every day! ~ Melissa from California"