Too many quotes to select a favorite.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Don't drink the water.
What's up with the small people in India lately? Yesterday two people were in the news. First, there was Aditya "Romeo" Dev, a 2'9" bodybuilder.
Seriously...don't drink it.
There was also a two-faced baby girl in the news yesterday!
And back in November there was Lakshmi Tatma, the 4-legged, 4-armed girl.
These seem to be more like conjoined twin situations, but isn't that just an extreme end of the continuum, the other end of which contains teratomas? Let's talk about teratomas. Those are the things that result when an embryo starts growing within its twin but then dies, causing the remaining twin to later have a tumor with hair, teeth, nails, bones, and sometimes even hands or eyeballs. And they can keep growing so that people don't really notice them until adulthood. It's all so gross and fascinating. Bodies are crazy. I love this stuff. If you have teratoma stories, pass them this way.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Horse Singles
I stumbled across a website called Horse Singles the other day. Whoa. At first I chuckled and pictured Amy Poehler and Will Ferrell doing a great SNL skit, but then the sweetness and earnesty kinda won me over.
Horse and Country Singles
Motto: Love, date, or just...SHARE THE PASSION!
About: Horse and country singles is the international community for lovers of the equestrian and countryside lifestyle. It’s a place where single horse lovers, single farmers, cowboys, cowgirls and rural singles meet.
Testimonial: "I have found a gorgeous horsey man on your fabulous site!"
Equestrian Singles
Motto: The #1 Online Equestrian Community
About: ...to to find roping partners, share their love of rodeo, polo, horse racing, barrel racing, dressage, hunter jumper, endurance, breeding, cutting, reining, team roping, cowboy mounted shooting, cowboy action shooting...the list is endless...If you are a cowboy cowgirl trying to find that western match, dates that form romantic relationships, meet life partners, or find American cowboy, Canadian cowboy, Canadian cowgirls, American cowgirls, single farmers, or farmers only.
Testimonial: "OVER A YEAR I HAD PRAYED THAT IF GOD WANTED ME TO HAVE A MATE HE WOULD PUT HER IN FRONT OF ME. I OWN A HORSE RANCH IN ALABAMA AND I AM VERY CLOSE TO MY FAMILY. MY GRANDAUGHTERS BARREL RACE AND I GO TO ALL THEIR EVENTS. ON MAY 10 MY SON GAVE ME AN AD FOR EQUESATRIAN SINGLES AND SAID DAD, YOU NEED TO JOIN THIS. I JOINED LATER THAT EVENING. THE NEXT DAY, MAY 11, MY PRAYER WAS ANSWERED IN A SHORT E- MAIL FROM ARIZONA. IT SIMPLY SAID "HI THERE FROM ARIZONA, I LIKE YOUR PROFILE AND LUST FOR LIFE." GOD HAD PUT THE PERFECT LADY IN FRONT OF ME. I ANSWERED THAT E-MAIL AND SHORTLY WE WERE SPENDING HOURS DAILY ON THE PHONE. WE HAVE TALKED DAILY FOR HOURS AND IN EVERY WAY SHE IS MY SOUL MATE (A PHRASE I HAD HEARD BUT QUESTIONED)SHE IS THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYER YET FAR BEYOND MY FONDEST DREAM FOR A PARTNER. THE POSSIBILITY OF US FINDING EACH OTHER WAS SO REMOTE THAT WE KNOW IT WAS PLANNED BY OUR MASTER. I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS SITE EXISTED, MY SON AND PARTNER IN THE RANCH TOLD ME TO JOIN. SHE HAD NOT BEEN ON THE SITE FOR WEEKS BUT RECIEVED AN E-MAIL FROM SOMEONE ELSE THAT DAY. AFTER READING THE E-MAIL SHA DECIDED TO SEE WHO WAS NEW, MY PHOTO CAME UP FIRST. SHE WROTE, AND THE REST IS HISTORY.TUESDAY, JUNE 5, I WILL FLY TO ARIZONA TO BE WITH MY SOUL MATE, MY LOVE , MY EVERYTHING."
Equestrian Cupid
Motto: Where equestrian friends and singles feel at home.
About: EquestrianCupid is an exclusive community for horse lovers and equestrian singles to meet horseback riding buddies, discover uncharted trails, pursue the country lifestyle, locate the best riding areas, and meet someone to share your country pursuits.
Testimonial: "I'd reached a point in my life when companionship with the right person seemed out of reach, preferring solitude & the peace of my four-legged children to having company for the sake of such. Yet now, by GODs grace, I share my life with an angel from heaven above, whose qualities have not only rekindled feelings long dormant, but also has given me an entirely new outlook!! She was, is & shall always remain, a miracle long overdue & well worth waiting for!!!"
Horse Lovers Connection
Motto: Come Join The Most Active Place On The Internet Where Serious Single Cowboys, Cowgirls, And Horse People Connect.
About: You are now at a place that brings special country horse people together. A comfortable place with a down home feel where warm old fashioned friendships are born and the focus is truth, honesty and all the little things of importance that are often forgotten in this fast paced world.
Testimonial: "I found my prince charming wrapped up in a New Mexico Rancher."
Horse and Country Singles
Motto: Love, date, or just...SHARE THE PASSION!
About: Horse and country singles is the international community for lovers of the equestrian and countryside lifestyle. It’s a place where single horse lovers, single farmers, cowboys, cowgirls and rural singles meet.
Testimonial: "I have found a gorgeous horsey man on your fabulous site!"
Equestrian Singles
Motto: The #1 Online Equestrian Community
About: ...to to find roping partners, share their love of rodeo, polo, horse racing, barrel racing, dressage, hunter jumper, endurance, breeding, cutting, reining, team roping, cowboy mounted shooting, cowboy action shooting...the list is endless...If you are a cowboy cowgirl trying to find that western match, dates that form romantic relationships, meet life partners, or find American cowboy, Canadian cowboy, Canadian cowgirls, American cowgirls, single farmers, or farmers only.
Testimonial: "OVER A YEAR I HAD PRAYED THAT IF GOD WANTED ME TO HAVE A MATE HE WOULD PUT HER IN FRONT OF ME. I OWN A HORSE RANCH IN ALABAMA AND I AM VERY CLOSE TO MY FAMILY. MY GRANDAUGHTERS BARREL RACE AND I GO TO ALL THEIR EVENTS. ON MAY 10 MY SON GAVE ME AN AD FOR EQUESATRIAN SINGLES AND SAID DAD, YOU NEED TO JOIN THIS. I JOINED LATER THAT EVENING. THE NEXT DAY, MAY 11, MY PRAYER WAS ANSWERED IN A SHORT E- MAIL FROM ARIZONA. IT SIMPLY SAID "HI THERE FROM ARIZONA, I LIKE YOUR PROFILE AND LUST FOR LIFE." GOD HAD PUT THE PERFECT LADY IN FRONT OF ME. I ANSWERED THAT E-MAIL AND SHORTLY WE WERE SPENDING HOURS DAILY ON THE PHONE. WE HAVE TALKED DAILY FOR HOURS AND IN EVERY WAY SHE IS MY SOUL MATE (A PHRASE I HAD HEARD BUT QUESTIONED)SHE IS THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYER YET FAR BEYOND MY FONDEST DREAM FOR A PARTNER. THE POSSIBILITY OF US FINDING EACH OTHER WAS SO REMOTE THAT WE KNOW IT WAS PLANNED BY OUR MASTER. I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS SITE EXISTED, MY SON AND PARTNER IN THE RANCH TOLD ME TO JOIN. SHE HAD NOT BEEN ON THE SITE FOR WEEKS BUT RECIEVED AN E-MAIL FROM SOMEONE ELSE THAT DAY. AFTER READING THE E-MAIL SHA DECIDED TO SEE WHO WAS NEW, MY PHOTO CAME UP FIRST. SHE WROTE, AND THE REST IS HISTORY.TUESDAY, JUNE 5, I WILL FLY TO ARIZONA TO BE WITH MY SOUL MATE, MY LOVE , MY EVERYTHING."
Equestrian Cupid
Motto: Where equestrian friends and singles feel at home.
About: EquestrianCupid is an exclusive community for horse lovers and equestrian singles to meet horseback riding buddies, discover uncharted trails, pursue the country lifestyle, locate the best riding areas, and meet someone to share your country pursuits.
Testimonial: "I'd reached a point in my life when companionship with the right person seemed out of reach, preferring solitude & the peace of my four-legged children to having company for the sake of such. Yet now, by GODs grace, I share my life with an angel from heaven above, whose qualities have not only rekindled feelings long dormant, but also has given me an entirely new outlook!! She was, is & shall always remain, a miracle long overdue & well worth waiting for!!!"
Horse Lovers Connection
Motto: Come Join The Most Active Place On The Internet Where Serious Single Cowboys, Cowgirls, And Horse People Connect.
About: You are now at a place that brings special country horse people together. A comfortable place with a down home feel where warm old fashioned friendships are born and the focus is truth, honesty and all the little things of importance that are often forgotten in this fast paced world.
Testimonial: "I found my prince charming wrapped up in a New Mexico Rancher."
Saturday, April 5, 2008
You idiot.
Rush Limbaugh said: "You have to understand the mindset of a lot of these feminists and women...These women have paid their dues. They've been married two or three times; they've had two or three abortions; they've done everything that feminism asked them to do. They have cut men out of their lives; they have devoted themselves to causes and careers. And this — the candidacy of Hillary Clinton — is the culmination of all of these women's efforts."
Jezebel commenters said:
- These women have "had two or three abortions and cut men out of their lives" because they keep meeting men like Rush.
- Why, oh why, couldn't his mother have been one of these three abortion minimum feminists?
- And ol' Rushie here has been married three times, but of course that has nothing to do with anything.
- Oh, shit, I thought I was a feminist. Time to go sign the divorce papers and get impregnated and have an abortion.
- This bloated asshole has been married (and divorced) multiple times, and was caught carrying Viagra and condoms to the Dominican Republic.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush.
The Analytical Language of John Wilkins describes "a certain Chinese encyclopedia," the Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, in which it is written that animals are divided into:
those that belong to the Emperor,
embalmed ones,
those that are trained,
suckling pigs,
mermaids,
fabulous ones,
stray dogs,
those included in the present classification,
those that tremble as if they were mad,
innumerable ones,
those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush,
others,
those that have just broken a flower vase,
those that from a long way off look like flies.
those that belong to the Emperor,
embalmed ones,
those that are trained,
suckling pigs,
mermaids,
fabulous ones,
stray dogs,
those included in the present classification,
those that tremble as if they were mad,
innumerable ones,
those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush,
others,
those that have just broken a flower vase,
those that from a long way off look like flies.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April Fools!!!! LOL
The folks at FamilyFun.com compiled some of the most hilarious pranks around. Too bad I didn't see this earlier, because I would've done all of them to everybody:
Call from the Principal (Not!). My kids behave pretty well at school so they were very shocked when I told them the principal had called about some rude behavior on the playground. Of course they denied it and rightly so since I'd just made it up. I told them no T.V. for a week and boy did they howl about that! Luckily they weren't mad at me when I finally said,"APRIL FOOLS!"
Buggy Toothpaste. My husband placed a raisin in the end of the toothpaste tube. When I squeezed out the paste, I got what I thought was a bug along with my minty tarter control glob.
Cowboys and Indians. I live in Cowboy country and am a huge Dallas fan. One Sunday while I was watching Dallas play our rival Washington, my kids made two big signs saying "A Redskin fan lives here" and "I love the Redskins" and placed them on our front lawn. It wasn't until later that afternoon as we backing out of the driveway to go out that I saw the signs and almost passed out!
Ran out of Gas! The set-up is simple. We took our kids out to dinner to "celebrate" April Fool's Day. A few blocks from home, my husband made the car lurch a little and announced that we were out of gas. The children moaned and groaned a little and then got out to walk home with Dad while I stayed behind with the baby and to watch the car. I watched them for about a block, started the car and drove by yelling "April Fool's!" The kids loved it and it was a great way for them to work off more energy before bed!
Finger Lickin' Good. Finishing our take-out fried chicken dinner one night, I complained I was still sooo hungry and wished there were more chicken. I drank some water, secretly sucking a half-melted ice cube into my mouth and moving it between my molars. Then, licking my finger & smiling, I stuck my finger into my mouth (between my cheek & molars where I held the ice). I bit down on my "finger," the ice cracked & crunched horribly, then I pretended to really enjoy crunching down on that chicken-lickin' finger! The looks on my kids' faces were priceless!
Call from the Principal (Not!). My kids behave pretty well at school so they were very shocked when I told them the principal had called about some rude behavior on the playground. Of course they denied it and rightly so since I'd just made it up. I told them no T.V. for a week and boy did they howl about that! Luckily they weren't mad at me when I finally said,"APRIL FOOLS!"
Buggy Toothpaste. My husband placed a raisin in the end of the toothpaste tube. When I squeezed out the paste, I got what I thought was a bug along with my minty tarter control glob.
Cowboys and Indians. I live in Cowboy country and am a huge Dallas fan. One Sunday while I was watching Dallas play our rival Washington, my kids made two big signs saying "A Redskin fan lives here" and "I love the Redskins" and placed them on our front lawn. It wasn't until later that afternoon as we backing out of the driveway to go out that I saw the signs and almost passed out!
Ran out of Gas! The set-up is simple. We took our kids out to dinner to "celebrate" April Fool's Day. A few blocks from home, my husband made the car lurch a little and announced that we were out of gas. The children moaned and groaned a little and then got out to walk home with Dad while I stayed behind with the baby and to watch the car. I watched them for about a block, started the car and drove by yelling "April Fool's!" The kids loved it and it was a great way for them to work off more energy before bed!
Finger Lickin' Good. Finishing our take-out fried chicken dinner one night, I complained I was still sooo hungry and wished there were more chicken. I drank some water, secretly sucking a half-melted ice cube into my mouth and moving it between my molars. Then, licking my finger & smiling, I stuck my finger into my mouth (between my cheek & molars where I held the ice). I bit down on my "finger," the ice cracked & crunched horribly, then I pretended to really enjoy crunching down on that chicken-lickin' finger! The looks on my kids' faces were priceless!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tig Notaro
I went to An Evening of a Thousand Scowls on Saturday, which was a comedy fundraiser for 826 Valencia. One of the comics -- Tig Notaro -- was hilarious. She's like Maria Bamford and Mary Louise Parker combined. Her comedy was super dry and quiet and slow, kinda like a deadpan friend. She started her routine by quietly taking the mic off its stand, then joking about comedians that hold the stand on the diagonal or move the stand out way out of the way. Then she started to move the stand to the far edge of the stage, and then eventually she moved it off the stage into the audience because "We need to clear the stage. My comedy is too gigantic." It just got better from there. In conclusion: Highly recommended.
Bonus: Fred Willard!
Bonus: Fred Willard!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The Embarrassing Daves.
When did Dave Eggers fall with Dave Matthews into the category Things Cool People Don't Like? There were times I loved both these men in earnest (2002 and 1997, respectively). But it's uncool to like them, so until today I talked about my love for Crash or A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius in self-deprecating, haha-I-was-young sort of tone. No more. I loved both those things and I don't care who knows it!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Her legs look good and stable!
A few years ago my friends and I had a night of hysterical can't-catch-our-breath laughter in which we designed imaginary satyrs (or centaurs, or fawns, or minotaurs, depending whom you ask) for each of us. Maybe you had to be there, but the topic has induced giggles for me ever since.
Recently Stephen Colbert said "I'll go on record saying John McCain is a minotaur," which caused me to shriek with delight and research which man/beast combo we really meant a few years ago. I think it was the satyr. But when googling "centaur," I found an awesome site called Elfwood, to which some dude submitted a digital painting with this note:
"the basic idea about her legs is they are actually a normal (very muscular) human legs with extended feet (those of a horse) all covered in fur, so I think she wouldn't have any trouble in walking, and keeping her balance for standing with two legs in a long time. I don't think that a person with a true horse hind legs could walk normally, because their thighs are too short so their knees are also too high, it's not easy to walk with such legs. recently I found that highlighting the skin tone with yellow looks very organic compared to white (I used to make highlight using white, and then wondered about the unhealthy pale look on the skin I just rendered, and spent so many hours to adjust the contrast, hue, and everything in a frustration) manually sketched, colored with photoshop,then rendered in painter, and exported back to photoshop for the final adjustments (ex: the make up for her face). the dress was painted from scratch in painter, and the eye glasses was made with photoshop."
This is the picture:
Recently Stephen Colbert said "I'll go on record saying John McCain is a minotaur," which caused me to shriek with delight and research which man/beast combo we really meant a few years ago. I think it was the satyr. But when googling "centaur," I found an awesome site called Elfwood, to which some dude submitted a digital painting with this note:
"the basic idea about her legs is they are actually a normal (very muscular) human legs with extended feet (those of a horse) all covered in fur, so I think she wouldn't have any trouble in walking, and keeping her balance for standing with two legs in a long time. I don't think that a person with a true horse hind legs could walk normally, because their thighs are too short so their knees are also too high, it's not easy to walk with such legs. recently I found that highlighting the skin tone with yellow looks very organic compared to white (I used to make highlight using white, and then wondered about the unhealthy pale look on the skin I just rendered, and spent so many hours to adjust the contrast, hue, and everything in a frustration) manually sketched, colored with photoshop,then rendered in painter, and exported back to photoshop for the final adjustments (ex: the make up for her face). the dress was painted from scratch in painter, and the eye glasses was made with photoshop."
This is the picture:
And these are some comments:
- I think the creature isn't a centaur, it's either a minotaur, a faun, or a satyr. Great work though!
- Aah who cares what you call her, she's gorgeous! I love the yellow skin, and her dress, and her legs look good and stable!
- She is what I call a "hemicentaur": the F1 hybrid of a non-centaur human and a centaur (this assumes incomplete dominance of the centaur gene). As your picture shows, the result is beautiful (lovely legs!). [Do you wish you were one (or ARE you one)?].
- I appreciate it more in the closeups of her head. That's when the detail in her eyes and lips comes out. It's very good, I think, very indicative of a tough but beautiful personality. She's got a tan elven ladies might kill for, too.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Mom's Corner
i fixed an awesome dinner for evelyn with poached pear/ice cream dessert, so she was very grateful and impressed. i had eva come for lunch today so we began drinking greyhounds (grapefruit juice/vodka) on the patio and playing fetch with maggie. i made scrumptious sun-dried tomato wraps with turkey, avocado, chopped butter lettuce, swiss cheese and a touch of italian dressing. eva had never had a wrap, so it was fun making her one. it was lots of fun being domestic for a couple days...[dad] has enjoyed that too, of course. i guess watching the food network channel has been inspiring me...a little bit :) tomorrow at 5 p.m. [cousins] arrive, so i've got some appetizers for them before they go back to a wedding welcoming party later in the evening.
does [brother] know you're considering a fit? [Fn1] he'd sure be excited about that, since he loves that car. will that be enough room for you? are you buying a used or new one? ouch...cars are so expensive!! good luck car shopping! here's some advice (although you haven't asked for any, ha) i recommend going through costco's auto plan, since you get the best price in town. costco has a deal with certain local honda dealers who will sell a car a few thousand $$ under the mfrp (manufacturer's retail price); it's a great deal. just get a costco store's auto plan booklet which lists the honda dealers in your area. you'll probably deal with the honda dealer's fleet manager. that person will be your only contact and he/she simply explains the plan and finalizes the paperwork for you, so there's no need to wheel 'n deal with car salesmen...nice. also, there are additional fees when buying a new car. they are: a document preparation fee ($45 for my accord), sales tax, license fees ($211 for the accord) , and california tire fees ($5 for the accord). fyi: the mfrp (window/sticker price, which includes a destination and handling fee) for the 2004 accord was $26,890.00, but the costco discount lowered it to $24,250.00!! even if you have to pay $50 to become a costco member, it's well worth it!! maybe i've given you more info than you want at this time, but you know me...always looking for better prices/deals and ALWAYS wanting to help you in any way i can!!
I LOVE YOU!!
mom
[Fn1] My car was stolen from the mean streets of Noe Valley the other week. I hated that hand-me-down '95 Civic Coupe with a cherry red paint job and many street parking scrapes and a recently developed high pitched whirring sound. I was disappointed when it was found, but happy when my insurance declared it totalled. Honda Fit, here I come! (Note to self: Learn how to buy cars.)
does [brother] know you're considering a fit? [Fn1] he'd sure be excited about that, since he loves that car. will that be enough room for you? are you buying a used or new one? ouch...cars are so expensive!! good luck car shopping! here's some advice (although you haven't asked for any, ha) i recommend going through costco's auto plan, since you get the best price in town. costco has a deal with certain local honda dealers who will sell a car a few thousand $$ under the mfrp (manufacturer's retail price); it's a great deal. just get a costco store's auto plan booklet which lists the honda dealers in your area. you'll probably deal with the honda dealer's fleet manager. that person will be your only contact and he/she simply explains the plan and finalizes the paperwork for you, so there's no need to wheel 'n deal with car salesmen...nice. also, there are additional fees when buying a new car. they are: a document preparation fee ($45 for my accord), sales tax, license fees ($211 for the accord) , and california tire fees ($5 for the accord). fyi: the mfrp (window/sticker price, which includes a destination and handling fee) for the 2004 accord was $26,890.00, but the costco discount lowered it to $24,250.00!! even if you have to pay $50 to become a costco member, it's well worth it!! maybe i've given you more info than you want at this time, but you know me...always looking for better prices/deals and ALWAYS wanting to help you in any way i can!!
I LOVE YOU!!
mom
[Fn1] My car was stolen from the mean streets of Noe Valley the other week. I hated that hand-me-down '95 Civic Coupe with a cherry red paint job and many street parking scrapes and a recently developed high pitched whirring sound. I was disappointed when it was found, but happy when my insurance declared it totalled. Honda Fit, here I come! (Note to self: Learn how to buy cars.)
Monday, March 24, 2008
Easter in San Francisco
After the Hot Jesus contest
and before the Big Wheel race
a gentleman asked my friend Cheryl:
"Would you like some merlot and Coke? ...It's very popular in Spain."
"Would you like some merlot and Coke? ...It's very popular in Spain."
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Stuff White People Like
I know you've all read and enjoyed it, so I'm not linking, but merely sharing this morning's family email dialogue:
- Brother 6:42 AM: This is hilarious. It's like an outsider's cultural guide to understanding whites (albeit whites in the upper-middle class). There has been a lot of discussion on the 'net about this lately. Apparently a lot of whites are outraged that someone would dare generalize them in this manner. I however was completely amused, and so was Linda, despite being basically the exact prototype of this classification. http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
- Mom 6:47 AM: hey brother...i'm laughing so hard i can hardly type! thanks for the morning cardiopulmonary workout while drinking coffee (#1)...instant coffee, i must admit! yup...you and linda fit into many of the stereotypes pretty closely, hmm. it's about time us parents are off the hook a little ('cept by their kids!). i guess the saying is true, "what goes around comes around." thanks a lot for sending this to us and keeping us informed about our race...i'm passing it forward!!
- Linda 9:08 AM: Whoa. Are you sure you've only had the one coffee?
- Mom 9:20 AM: one and a half actually. how about you?
- Dad 9:26 AM: Mom, put the Bushmills away. No more irish coffee for you this morning!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
It destroys art. It destroys souls.
Today Gentleman Friend proudly showed me his new Anne Geddes checks. He also reminded me of this great moment from "The Office":
Angela: It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy and in bad taste and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What to Expect When You're Expecting
Today, in response to a post about What to Expect When You're Expecting, Jezebel commenters discussed weird things that happen during pregnancy and birth. This has been a favorite topic of mine since I learned (relatively recently) that women often poop during birth. My response was basically "Hold on...WHAT?!?!"
Here are the top ten comments and tips from today's post:
Here are the top ten comments and tips from today's post:
(10) I was a C-section, so there was no chance for such grossness with me. Only cutting flesh open, pulling it back like wallpaper, and shifting organs about. You know. The usual.
(9) Seeing my friend's fiancee not able to get off a couch because she had an 8 inch blood clot after her c-section made me die a little inside.
(8) My friend's mom craved dirt when she was pregnant with her. Dirt. More specifically she wanted red dirt. I don't know why she was hating on the other flavors of dirt, but whatevs.
(7) I think the first truly horrifying reality check about pregnancy came the day I learned in 9th grade health class about shitting during labor, tearing, and what 10 cm dilated really looks like. It was a trifecta of horror.
(6) A guy I work with was horrified about the thing where well, they cut something (cervix, vagina, not sure?) to make the baby come out easier. He came by my desk and asked me about it (why, not sure, I have no kids) and was all pale. He told me he thought they "just fell out."
(5) What about that gross mucus plug that comes out the last few weeks?? Uggggg.
(4) Ahh me too on the shitting during labor! All I could think was - "I can't believe so many husbands have watched their wives shit, camera-in-hand!"
(3) I threw up during labor. I also got extreme "morning sickness" from the second month until the seventh month. I threw up so much and so often that I began bleeding from the back of my throat every time I gagged. Oh and my insurance wouldn't cover the cost of the anti-nausea pills. It was the worth nine months of my life, but I'm happy with the end result. He's pretty rad.
(2) When my sister was in the midst of her ninth month she sent me a text message that read, "Thought my water broke this morning, but I just peed my pants."
(1) A friend and I told a male coworker about how sometimes babies poop in the womb (I think it is called merconium?). First he didn't believe us. Then he got upset. Then he yelled at the top of his lungs "Nobody is SHITTING inside MY WIFE!"
Monday, March 17, 2008
Happy St. Patrick's Day! (v.2)
Q: What is corned beef?
A: The real question here is: "How do you corn something?" We've got a pretty good grasp of the beef concept, but the "corning" process is mysterious. According to the Department of Agriculture, "The name comes from Anglo-Saxon times before refrigeration. In those days, the meat was dry-cured in coarse 'corns' of salt. Pellets of salt, some the size of kernels of corn, were rubbed into the beef to keep it from spoiling and to preserve it." So there you have it. Take the bust of a cow (i.e. the ribs and chest meat), smack it up, flip it, rub it down, and soak for about four days. Voila, corned beef.
A: The real question here is: "How do you corn something?" We've got a pretty good grasp of the beef concept, but the "corning" process is mysterious. According to the Department of Agriculture, "The name comes from Anglo-Saxon times before refrigeration. In those days, the meat was dry-cured in coarse 'corns' of salt. Pellets of salt, some the size of kernels of corn, were rubbed into the beef to keep it from spoiling and to preserve it." So there you have it. Take the bust of a cow (i.e. the ribs and chest meat), smack it up, flip it, rub it down, and soak for about four days. Voila, corned beef.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Shower the people you love with condiments.
I think my brother misheard James Taylor, because my sister-in-law posted this story:
One morning last weekend, I got my slow, sleepy ass into the shower. As I usually do, I let the water hit my face for a few seconds before grabbing the shampoo and doing the ol' lather routine.
With water still in my eyes, I go to grab for the shampoo and I realize that the herbal essence I grabbed is actually a bottle of heinz ketchup. Confused, I double-take and notice that the conditioner is a mustard container.
Now at this point, my mind is really blown. I look down at my facial cleanser and it is a bottle of olives. All of my shower items have been replaced with condiments.
Some husbands bring their wives flowers and chocolate.
One morning last weekend, I got my slow, sleepy ass into the shower. As I usually do, I let the water hit my face for a few seconds before grabbing the shampoo and doing the ol' lather routine.
With water still in my eyes, I go to grab for the shampoo and I realize that the herbal essence I grabbed is actually a bottle of heinz ketchup. Confused, I double-take and notice that the conditioner is a mustard container.
Now at this point, my mind is really blown. I look down at my facial cleanser and it is a bottle of olives. All of my shower items have been replaced with condiments.
Some husbands bring their wives flowers and chocolate.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Interesting.
Somebody googled "a lot of pubic hair" and found themselves at my blog today. So I have that going for me, which is nice. If you take it to the next level and run an image search, this appears:
Clearly, LOL.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I think the CHP uses this test.
J: I can drive.
B: You CAN'T drive.
J: What?
B: I saw the way you were acting.
J: What?
B: Climbing on boulders...
J: I always do that.
B: But this time it was more joyously.
B: You CAN'T drive.
J: What?
B: I saw the way you were acting.
J: What?
B: Climbing on boulders...
J: I always do that.
B: But this time it was more joyously.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
A quote.
From Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer:
"You are very funny, Jonathan."
"No. That's the last thing I want to be."
"Why? To be funny is a great thing."
"No it's not."
"Why is this?"
"I used to think that humor was the only way to appreciate how wonderful and terrible the world is, to celebrate how big life is. You know what I mean?"
"Yes, of course."
"But now I think it's the opposite. Humor is a way of shrinking from that wonderful and terrible world."
"Inform me more about when you were young, Jonathan."
He made more laughing.
"Why do you laugh?"
He laughed again.
"Inform me."
"You are very funny, Jonathan."
"No. That's the last thing I want to be."
"Why? To be funny is a great thing."
"No it's not."
"Why is this?"
"I used to think that humor was the only way to appreciate how wonderful and terrible the world is, to celebrate how big life is. You know what I mean?"
"Yes, of course."
"But now I think it's the opposite. Humor is a way of shrinking from that wonderful and terrible world."
"Inform me more about when you were young, Jonathan."
He made more laughing.
"Why do you laugh?"
He laughed again.
"Inform me."
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Love Cab
I plopped into a cab tonight after a few blue-cheese-stuffed-olive martinis and it was lined with multi-colored small-bulb christmas lights that ran into the center and made a beautiful heart. Also, there were many silk roses with plastic dewdrops. The driver was (naturally) a man with a dark leather jacket and sideburns who played KOIT's "Love Songs after Dark" with zero irony and spoke with a Central American lisp a la Fez on That 70's Show. When I noted "Wow, it's very romantic in here," he proudly replied "Yes, the passengers love it, a gentleman liked my cab so much he gave a woman the diamond in the vehicle on Valentine's Day."
When I asked for a picture, he said "Get down on your knees so you can get it all." [FN1]
When I asked for a picture, he said "Get down on your knees so you can get it all." [FN1]
[FN1] If I had a nickel for every time...
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Emilie du Chatelet
She was a French mathematician, physicist, and author in the 1700's. She broke some rules. She got busy with famous brains of the time (including Voltaire, y'all). Thanks for the tip, Katie!
Childhood. Emilie was awkward and showed no signs of growing up to be beautiful, so she was given lessons in fencing, riding, and gymnastics to improve her coordination [FN1]. She was remarkably well educated for the time: she learned a lot of math, science, and literature; she danced, played harpsichord, sang opera, and acted; she was fluent in Latin, Italian, Greek, and German (she later translated Greek and Latin plays and philosophy into French). She was also a high-stakes gambler, and although she used her mathematical skills to lay out strategy, she once lost the equivalent of $1million at the table at Fontainebleau, assumedly to card cheats.
Work. In 1737 she published her research into the science of fire, which predicted what is today known as infra-red radiation and the nature of light. In 1740 she published a book with new ideas on science and philosophy that sought to reconcile complex ideas from the leading thinkers of the time. In the book she combined theories to show that the energy of a moving object is proportional to its mass and the square of its velocity (E ~ mv²), and not directly proportional, as had previously been believed by Newton, Voltaire, and others. The correct formula was later shown to be Ek = (1/2) mv². In 1749 she completed her outstanding achievement by translating into French -- ith her own commentary-- Newton's Principia Mathematica, including her derivation from its principles of mechanics the notion of conservation of energy.
Education. Emilie was excluded from the University education that was open to male students. Additionally, she was asked to leave the cafes where intellectuals met and talked because of the "men only" custom of the time. She had a suit of men's clothing made and reappeared in that.
Marriage. In 1725 (at 19) she married a Marquis. After bearing three children, she considered her marital responsibilities fulfilled and arranged with her husband to live separate lives while still maintaining one household. In the upper classes of France at the time, it was acceptable for both the husband and wife to take lovers.
Liason: Duc de Richelieu. In 1730, she started a 1.5 year affair with the Duc de Richelieu. The Duc was interested in literature and philosophy, Emilie was one of the few women who could converse at his level. She read every book of consequence, attended the theater regularly, and enjoyed intellectual debate. She expressed an interest in the works of Issac Newton and he encouraged her to take lessons in higher mathematics to better understand his theories.
Liason: Voltaire. From 1733-1748, she had a relationship with Voltaire. The Duc de Richelieu and Voltaire were close personal friends. Emilie wrote to him saying, "Why did you never tell me that M. de Voltaire is the paragon of Men?" Emilie invited Voltaire to live in her country house in northeastern France, and she became his long-time companion under the eyes of her tolerant husband. There she studied physics and mathematics and published scientific articles and translations. The couple collected a library of 21,000 books, which was the equivalent of a university library at the time. They spoke in English when they argued.
Both Voltaire and Emilie had a desire to discover Truth and to write about their findings. They both wanted to make an impact on the world. Their bond was based on their work and how they supported one another. Judging from Voltaire's letters to friends and their commentaries on each other's work, they lived together with great mutual liking and respect. Voltaire once declared that Emilie was "a great man whose only fault was being a woman."
Liason: Jean Francois de Saint-Lambert. From 1748 until her death, she had an affair with the seductive (young) poet Jean Francois de Saint-Lambert. She became pregnant in her early 40's. In a letter to a friend she confided her fears that, because of her age, she would not survive the pregnancy. Emilie bore the child, but died three days later at the age of 42.
When she died, Voltaire wrote "It is not a mistress I have lost but half of myself, a soul for which my soul seems to have been made."
Childhood. Emilie was awkward and showed no signs of growing up to be beautiful, so she was given lessons in fencing, riding, and gymnastics to improve her coordination [FN1]. She was remarkably well educated for the time: she learned a lot of math, science, and literature; she danced, played harpsichord, sang opera, and acted; she was fluent in Latin, Italian, Greek, and German (she later translated Greek and Latin plays and philosophy into French). She was also a high-stakes gambler, and although she used her mathematical skills to lay out strategy, she once lost the equivalent of $1million at the table at Fontainebleau, assumedly to card cheats.
Work. In 1737 she published her research into the science of fire, which predicted what is today known as infra-red radiation and the nature of light. In 1740 she published a book with new ideas on science and philosophy that sought to reconcile complex ideas from the leading thinkers of the time. In the book she combined theories to show that the energy of a moving object is proportional to its mass and the square of its velocity (E ~ mv²), and not directly proportional, as had previously been believed by Newton, Voltaire, and others. The correct formula was later shown to be Ek = (1/2) mv². In 1749 she completed her outstanding achievement by translating into French -- ith her own commentary-- Newton's Principia Mathematica, including her derivation from its principles of mechanics the notion of conservation of energy.
Education. Emilie was excluded from the University education that was open to male students. Additionally, she was asked to leave the cafes where intellectuals met and talked because of the "men only" custom of the time. She had a suit of men's clothing made and reappeared in that.
Marriage. In 1725 (at 19) she married a Marquis. After bearing three children, she considered her marital responsibilities fulfilled and arranged with her husband to live separate lives while still maintaining one household. In the upper classes of France at the time, it was acceptable for both the husband and wife to take lovers.
Liason: Duc de Richelieu. In 1730, she started a 1.5 year affair with the Duc de Richelieu. The Duc was interested in literature and philosophy, Emilie was one of the few women who could converse at his level. She read every book of consequence, attended the theater regularly, and enjoyed intellectual debate. She expressed an interest in the works of Issac Newton and he encouraged her to take lessons in higher mathematics to better understand his theories.
Liason: Voltaire. From 1733-1748, she had a relationship with Voltaire. The Duc de Richelieu and Voltaire were close personal friends. Emilie wrote to him saying, "Why did you never tell me that M. de Voltaire is the paragon of Men?" Emilie invited Voltaire to live in her country house in northeastern France, and she became his long-time companion under the eyes of her tolerant husband. There she studied physics and mathematics and published scientific articles and translations. The couple collected a library of 21,000 books, which was the equivalent of a university library at the time. They spoke in English when they argued.
Both Voltaire and Emilie had a desire to discover Truth and to write about their findings. They both wanted to make an impact on the world. Their bond was based on their work and how they supported one another. Judging from Voltaire's letters to friends and their commentaries on each other's work, they lived together with great mutual liking and respect. Voltaire once declared that Emilie was "a great man whose only fault was being a woman."
Liason: Jean Francois de Saint-Lambert. From 1748 until her death, she had an affair with the seductive (young) poet Jean Francois de Saint-Lambert. She became pregnant in her early 40's. In a letter to a friend she confided her fears that, because of her age, she would not survive the pregnancy. Emilie bore the child, but died three days later at the age of 42.
When she died, Voltaire wrote "It is not a mistress I have lost but half of myself, a soul for which my soul seems to have been made."
[FN1] You know the old saying "If a man cannot have beauty, he chooses coordination"? Neither do I. It makes no sense.
Rad Bitches
I write the "rad bitches" profiles because I'm fascinated by old timey rebellious or progressive women. I'm thirsty for untraditional role models. I like knowing my life can be a deliriously interesting rush of foreign travels, books, and love affairs if I never hit the marriage-mortgage-kids trifecta.
Book tips appreciated! Specifically biographies or anthologies of such women.
Book tips appreciated! Specifically biographies or anthologies of such women.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Police Dogs to Wear Shoes
High rate of paw injuries on duty is the impetus behind the canine footwear.
BERLIN - Police dogs in the western city of Duesseldorf will soon be equipped with blue plastic fiber shoes. "I'm not sure they like it, but they'll have to get used to it," Andre Hartwich said.
The unusual footwear is not a fashion statement, but rather a necessity due to the high rate of paw injuries on duty. Especially in the city's historical old town — famous for both its pubs and drunken revelers — the dogs often step into broken beer bottles.
"Even the street-cleaning doesn't manage to remove all the glass pieces from between the streets' cobble stones," Hartwich said, adding that the dogs frequently get injured by little pieces sticking deep in their paws.
The shoes comes in sizes small, medium and large and were ordered in blue to match the officers uniforms.
"Now we just have to teach the dogs how to tie their shoes," Hartwich joked.
BERLIN - Police dogs in the western city of Duesseldorf will soon be equipped with blue plastic fiber shoes. "I'm not sure they like it, but they'll have to get used to it," Andre Hartwich said.
The unusual footwear is not a fashion statement, but rather a necessity due to the high rate of paw injuries on duty. Especially in the city's historical old town — famous for both its pubs and drunken revelers — the dogs often step into broken beer bottles.
"Even the street-cleaning doesn't manage to remove all the glass pieces from between the streets' cobble stones," Hartwich said, adding that the dogs frequently get injured by little pieces sticking deep in their paws.
The shoes comes in sizes small, medium and large and were ordered in blue to match the officers uniforms.
"Now we just have to teach the dogs how to tie their shoes," Hartwich joked.
I want it now.
Today I booked tickets to Morocco. Whee! If you have taken a cooking class in Marrakesh, trekked the High Atlas Mountains, or ridden a camel in the Sahara, please provide recommendations.
Drunk History
Volume 1 (starring Michael Cera)
Volume 2 (starring Jack Black)
Volume 3 (starring Jack Black)
Volume 2 (starring Jack Black)
Volume 3 (starring Jack Black)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Dedicated to the Memory of Norman Mailer
I posted recently about Sarah Silverman f*cking Matt Damon.
Now it turns out Jimmy Kimmel is f*cking Ben Affleck (in grand fashion).
Now it turns out Jimmy Kimmel is f*cking Ben Affleck (in grand fashion).
Monday, February 25, 2008
Amazing Stories
Does anybody else remember the TV series Amazing Stories? It ran from 1985-1987. It was a Steven Spielberg creation. Each week featured an independent story and included guest stars like Harvey Keitel, Gregory Hines, Kevin Costner, Keifer Sutherland...Dom DeLuise, Gary Coleman...all the great actors of our time.
I remember the episodes brimming with drama and mystery. They were like television storytime crack. My family eagerly gathered around each Sunday evening to watch them. The theme music still excites me. Through the years, the series has come up in conversation. The one episode our family always remembers featured a WW2 plane damaged in battle such that the landing gear was broken and the gunner was trapped down below. The gunner was a likeable daydreamy lad, if maybe soft and wimpy. He ended up saving the day by frantically drawing huge puffy cartoon wheels on the plane; they appeared when it landed and everybody lived. Magical.
My parents gave my brother and me the first season on DVD for Christmas. Sadly the two episodes I've watched have been COMPLETELY LAME. In No Day at the Beach, a sweet but dim and unworldly WW2 soldier is witnessed by his squad heroically killing enemies after an amphibious assault on Italy, thereby saving their lives, only to realize afterward that he actually died before they got off the boat you guys, omg, it was his ghost! In the so-bad-it's-good Hell Toupee, a toupee crawls from one person's head to another compelling them to murder lawyers.
I am disappointed. I declare a moratorium on revisiting childhood loves. They will only be tainted by adult cynicism and sophistication.
This also applies to food. I ate some Cheese Whiz recently. Turns out it's gross.
I remember the episodes brimming with drama and mystery. They were like television storytime crack. My family eagerly gathered around each Sunday evening to watch them. The theme music still excites me. Through the years, the series has come up in conversation. The one episode our family always remembers featured a WW2 plane damaged in battle such that the landing gear was broken and the gunner was trapped down below. The gunner was a likeable daydreamy lad, if maybe soft and wimpy. He ended up saving the day by frantically drawing huge puffy cartoon wheels on the plane; they appeared when it landed and everybody lived. Magical.
My parents gave my brother and me the first season on DVD for Christmas. Sadly the two episodes I've watched have been COMPLETELY LAME. In No Day at the Beach, a sweet but dim and unworldly WW2 soldier is witnessed by his squad heroically killing enemies after an amphibious assault on Italy, thereby saving their lives, only to realize afterward that he actually died before they got off the boat you guys, omg, it was his ghost! In the so-bad-it's-good Hell Toupee, a toupee crawls from one person's head to another compelling them to murder lawyers.
I am disappointed. I declare a moratorium on revisiting childhood loves. They will only be tainted by adult cynicism and sophistication.
This also applies to food. I ate some Cheese Whiz recently. Turns out it's gross.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Middle Age.
Behold a conversation between my Gentleman Friend and a Friend with whom he used to party really hard a lot until the break of dawn:
Gentleman Friend: Hey man! Great to run into you.
Friend: Yeah man! What have you been up to?
Gentleman Friend: Not a lot. I subscribed to a CSA box [Fn1], it's awesome, I love it, last week I got a ton of kale and chard and apples and pears and potatoes and also purple cauliflower!!!
Friend: Sweet. I moved in with my girlfriend. We might get a second cat.
[Fn1] CSA = Community Sustained Agriculture
Gentleman Friend: Hey man! Great to run into you.
Friend: Yeah man! What have you been up to?
Gentleman Friend: Not a lot. I subscribed to a CSA box [Fn1], it's awesome, I love it, last week I got a ton of kale and chard and apples and pears and potatoes and also purple cauliflower!!!
Friend: Sweet. I moved in with my girlfriend. We might get a second cat.
[Fn1] CSA = Community Sustained Agriculture
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Parents.
I make fun of them a lot on here. I can't help it. They do a lot of funny things. But I also think they're awesome and I feel lucky I got such good ones and I love them to pieces. Look at the cuteness!!!
That's them on the Golden Gate Bridge last weekend. I'd been sick for a few weeks, and it was a nice weekend, and when they left it made me surpringly emotional. They love me in a completely unselfish way, nobody but one's parents do that, and I watched them sacrifice financially for us growing up, and it was always clear we were their whole life, my dad worked his ass off but never mentioned it, and my mom has endless patience and cheer, and they're getting so OLD!, and soon my mom will stop being beautiful and my dad will stop being strong, and they're going to die, and one will die before the other, and the remaining one will be lonely because they're still in love and I catch them kissing alone in the kitchen, and my dad grabs my mom's ass when he comes home from work, and when they're gone I'll have no safety net, I'll be alone, which I basically already am, which we all are, which is depressing, and it makes me sad, except not really, because they're supposed to die before me, and they don't feel sorry for themselves, in fact they're incredibly happy, and they know I love them, and it's all okay and maybe actually beautiful.
So I reconciled myself with their inevitable aging and loneliness and death. But knowing something intellectually and feeling it are completely different. I read "Meet Me in St. Louis" in Jonathan Franzen's How To Be Alone the other night and it triggered a random cathartic cry:
"My mother had long ago reconciled herself to staying in the house while her children fled to the coasts. We invited her to move to one of the coasts herself, but the house was her life, it was what she still had, it was not so much the site of her loneliness as the antidote to it...For the last week or so before she was hospitalized, my mother couldn't keep any food down, and by the time I arrived her refrigerator was empty of almost anything but ancient condiments and delicacies. On the top shelf there was just a quart of skim milk, a tiny can of green peas with a square of foil on top, and, next to this can, a dish containing a single bite of peas. I was ambushed and nearly destroyed by this dish of peas. I was forced to imagine my mother alone in the house and willing herself to eat a bite of something, anything, a bite of peas, and finding herself unable to do so. With her usual frugality and optimism, she'd put both the can and the dish in the refrigerator, in case her appetite returned."
Ooof. Ambushed and nearly destroyed indeed.
That's them on the Golden Gate Bridge last weekend. I'd been sick for a few weeks, and it was a nice weekend, and when they left it made me surpringly emotional. They love me in a completely unselfish way, nobody but one's parents do that, and I watched them sacrifice financially for us growing up, and it was always clear we were their whole life, my dad worked his ass off but never mentioned it, and my mom has endless patience and cheer, and they're getting so OLD!, and soon my mom will stop being beautiful and my dad will stop being strong, and they're going to die, and one will die before the other, and the remaining one will be lonely because they're still in love and I catch them kissing alone in the kitchen, and my dad grabs my mom's ass when he comes home from work, and when they're gone I'll have no safety net, I'll be alone, which I basically already am, which we all are, which is depressing, and it makes me sad, except not really, because they're supposed to die before me, and they don't feel sorry for themselves, in fact they're incredibly happy, and they know I love them, and it's all okay and maybe actually beautiful.
So I reconciled myself with their inevitable aging and loneliness and death. But knowing something intellectually and feeling it are completely different. I read "Meet Me in St. Louis" in Jonathan Franzen's How To Be Alone the other night and it triggered a random cathartic cry:
"My mother had long ago reconciled herself to staying in the house while her children fled to the coasts. We invited her to move to one of the coasts herself, but the house was her life, it was what she still had, it was not so much the site of her loneliness as the antidote to it...For the last week or so before she was hospitalized, my mother couldn't keep any food down, and by the time I arrived her refrigerator was empty of almost anything but ancient condiments and delicacies. On the top shelf there was just a quart of skim milk, a tiny can of green peas with a square of foil on top, and, next to this can, a dish containing a single bite of peas. I was ambushed and nearly destroyed by this dish of peas. I was forced to imagine my mother alone in the house and willing herself to eat a bite of something, anything, a bite of peas, and finding herself unable to do so. With her usual frugality and optimism, she'd put both the can and the dish in the refrigerator, in case her appetite returned."
Ooof. Ambushed and nearly destroyed indeed.
Lived in Bars
Not the newest video with the kids on the Facebooks, but it'll either be a lovely trip down memory lane or an introduction to your new favorite video. Everybody wins!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
It was a dead baby.
The baby entries in the dream dictionary were kinda interesting and amusing. So many kinds of baby dreams apparently: regular babies; forgeting you had a baby; about to have a baby; crying babies; starving babies; extremely small babies; dead babies; dipping a baby in and out of water.
Hold on. Back up. Dead babies?!? This reminds me of a story.
After high school, my friend Gina went to the same college as a weird guy from our school. Let's call him "Holster." I remember him having a loud monotone voice and putting Vaseline on his face and staring at my legs in math class and allegedly putting a safety pin through the skin of his penis during water polo practice or something. I think his parents both worked in the sciences. The kid was born to be awkward.
Anyway. Gina somehow heard that Holster had been dubbed the "weird guy" in his dorms. Apparently one night, a bunch of co-eds were sitting around laughing and spinning yarns when Holster appeared in the doorway. He looked pale and shaken. They stopped their jovial conversation and asked him what was up.
Holster: You guys, I was just walking down by the beach, and I went into a cave, and inside of the cave.....I saw..... a dead cat.
Co-Eds: Oh damn. That's harsh Holster. Sorry man....
Holster: (Silence)
Co-Eds: (Resume laughter and fun)
Holster: You guys. You guys! I mean....... it was a dead..... baby.
Hold on. Back up. Dead babies?!? This reminds me of a story.
After high school, my friend Gina went to the same college as a weird guy from our school. Let's call him "Holster." I remember him having a loud monotone voice and putting Vaseline on his face and staring at my legs in math class and allegedly putting a safety pin through the skin of his penis during water polo practice or something. I think his parents both worked in the sciences. The kid was born to be awkward.
Anyway. Gina somehow heard that Holster had been dubbed the "weird guy" in his dorms. Apparently one night, a bunch of co-eds were sitting around laughing and spinning yarns when Holster appeared in the doorway. He looked pale and shaken. They stopped their jovial conversation and asked him what was up.
Holster: You guys, I was just walking down by the beach, and I went into a cave, and inside of the cave.....I saw..... a dead cat.
Co-Eds: Oh damn. That's harsh Holster. Sorry man....
Holster: (Silence)
Co-Eds: (Resume laughter and fun)
Holster: You guys. You guys! I mean....... it was a dead..... baby.
Monday, February 18, 2008
My turtle baby.
Weird dream last night! A turtle was crawling on the ground, and it had extra adorable chubby arms and legs, and I realized it was a baby and I should be careful picking it up because the shell was soft and malleable and -- lightbulb moment! -- its fontanelle. Once I got it into my arms, it was nice that the baby was a turtle because the flat part fit against me and my hand had molded nicely into the shell to form a good grip.
Here is what a dream dictionary suggests:
Turtle - To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life.
Baby - To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. Babies may represent an aspect of yourself that is vulnerable and helpless.
I've had the flu and felt the need to "take care of myself" and "slow down," so this clearly and totally fits! I'm also an Aquarious if readers have further brilliant insight.
Here is what a dream dictionary suggests:
Turtle - To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life.
Baby - To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. Babies may represent an aspect of yourself that is vulnerable and helpless.
I've had the flu and felt the need to "take care of myself" and "slow down," so this clearly and totally fits! I'm also an Aquarious if readers have further brilliant insight.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Sharon Olds
I like her. Her poetry is always very visceral and body-oriented, but I like this one in particular for its focus on love as friendship and support system and raw unromanticized domesticity including but not limited to apparent mutual bathroom use, which for some reason sprung to mind after I saw Juno on Valentine's Day:
True Love
In the middle of the night, when we get up
after making love, we look at each other in
complete friendship, we know so fully
what the other has been doing. Bound to each other
like mountaineers coming down from a mountain,
bound with the tie of the delivery-room,
we wander down the hall to the bathroom, I can
hardly walk, I wobble through the granular
shadowless air, I know where you are
with my eyes closed, we are bound to each other
with huge invisible threads, our sexes muted exhausted, crushed, the whole
body of sex-surely this
is the most blessed time of my life,
our children asleep in their beds, each fate
like a vein of abiding mineral
not discovered yet. I sit
on the toilet in the night, you are somewhere in the room,
I open the window and snow has fallen in a
steep drift, against the pane, I
look up, into it,
a wall of cold crystals, silent
and glistening, I quietly call to you
and you come and hold my hand and say
I cannot see beyond it. I cannot see beyond it.
I also like this one:
Sex Without Love
How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the
the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.
She also wrote this letter to Laura Bush declining an invitation to attend the National Book Festival.
True Love
In the middle of the night, when we get up
after making love, we look at each other in
complete friendship, we know so fully
what the other has been doing. Bound to each other
like mountaineers coming down from a mountain,
bound with the tie of the delivery-room,
we wander down the hall to the bathroom, I can
hardly walk, I wobble through the granular
shadowless air, I know where you are
with my eyes closed, we are bound to each other
with huge invisible threads, our sexes muted exhausted, crushed, the whole
body of sex-surely this
is the most blessed time of my life,
our children asleep in their beds, each fate
like a vein of abiding mineral
not discovered yet. I sit
on the toilet in the night, you are somewhere in the room,
I open the window and snow has fallen in a
steep drift, against the pane, I
look up, into it,
a wall of cold crystals, silent
and glistening, I quietly call to you
and you come and hold my hand and say
I cannot see beyond it. I cannot see beyond it.
I also like this one:
Sex Without Love
How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the
the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.
She also wrote this letter to Laura Bush declining an invitation to attend the National Book Festival.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Aack!
I love to hate Cathy comics. Her interests include: trying on swimsuits; eating cake; stressing about the office; playing with her dog Electra; battling with her mother; and worrying about her love life. The stress from all of the above causes her hair to frizz out by the last frame in each comic.
I started to write my own analysis but then I found this really good one by The Comic Strip Doctor. I copied parts below:
Cathy (by Cathy Guisewite) is widely regarded as the first comic strip that spoke to a generation of working, struggling women in a voice that resonated as one of their own. In the mid-1970s, Guisewite was a successful advertising copywriter with typical insecurites about her love life, her relationship with food and her weight, and the hassles and stresses of work. She doodled little characters expressing her angst on letters to her mother, who pushed her to submit to syndicates.
When the strip first appeared in 1976, women's rights were being newly asserted both in the workplace and in the arena of relationships. The character of Cathy was a young, single, independent woman with the same fears, uncertainties, and challenges as an entire generation. Guisewite again.
"I get way more feedback from people who say that they love Cathy because she's not afraid to admit that she doesn't have it all together every day [...] they say it's refreshing to read Cathy and know that there's somebody else out there who's still hauling around a 40-pound purse full of dreams."
Bathing suit doesn't fit? Cathy's got your back. Mom driving you nuts? Cathy's been there too. Men just don't understand you? Oh, Cathy -- it's you and me against the world. And so every petty dilemma in a woman's life, every mundane struggle and boilerplate annoyance, suddenly became an "AACK!"-worthy crisis.
Since 1976, the role of women in society has changed dramatically. An entire new generation has arisen that doesn't give a second thought to working for a living, for example, or more broadly, taking responsibility for one's own happiness and fulfillment. The average marriage age is older than ever before, as young people -- and young women, in particular -- are realizing that they don't need to define themselves in terms of their role in a relationship. Women of today's generation are every bit as comfortable with technology as men. And yet Cathy AACKs her way through her job, her relationships, and her shopping obsession, puzzling over Irving's "male brain" and turning every visit to the mall into a sweat-soaked, cookie-fueled, nuclear-grade emergency.
The central relationship in Cathy's life is her love/hate affair with consumption. Like many women, Cathy suffers from a poor body image, and struggles to conform to society's unreal image of ideal femininity. She wages seasonal battles with the latest trends in swimwear, formal dress, and shoe fashions; she also fights herself internally, rarely motivating herself to exercise but often guiltily binging on snacks. Her endemic weakness for food, apparel, and tchotchkes makes her unremarkable at best and pathetic at worst.
And yet this sad figure is held up as a beacon of commiserative hope for women? Cathy's weaknesses reinforce whatever stereotypes they are intended to bolster sympathy against. By saying to women, "Don't worry, I feel bad about my weight too," Cathy is saying, "Feeling bad about your weight is something that women do," and excluding positive, healthy thoughts from the realm of "what women do." By saying, "Ha ha, sometimes I buy too much stuff, just like you do," she is saying, "Shopping compulsively is a trait of women in general," and excluding those who exercise self-control as not real women, or at least not "normal" women. Because Cathy is a "normal" woman, and to be a "normal woman" in Cathy's world, you have to obsess about your thighs, hate your mother, carry around a precious little dog and marry a doofus.
The aforementioned doofus, Cathy's husband Irving, is a shallow foil for Cathy's various neuroses. Like the ever-present Saleswoman, more about whom below, Irving exists mainly so that Cathy's readers can sigh knowingly, say "Oh, men!", and put the comic on the fridge for their longsuffering husband to read. Irving likes golf, gadgets, and against all odds, Cathy herself, despite the fact that she is a shrill, bitter harpy. Her one redeeming personality trait is her silence on how abjectly dull her husband is.
Irving was Cathy's long-term boyfriend for many years, until Guisewite decided to reintroduce Cathy to the dating world; then, after a string of cardboard beaus, she decided to marry Cathy off to expose a rich new vein of comedic material. Re-enter the longsuffering Irving, the "nice guy" with no identifiable personality beyond his general "maleness" -- in other words, an aversion to housework, an impatience with shopping, and an affinity for gadgets.
...
The Saleswoman character is Cathy's nemesis. Never named, never personified except by her attempts to batter Cathy's willpower, she typically tries to push a product on Cathy that Cathy doesn't need. Cathy's resistance is therefore an act of heroism against the Establishment.
But any sign that this self-control is a redeeming character trait on Cathy's part, or that it's part of Guisewite's campaign to empower or encourage the Modern Woman against the tantalizing forces of consumerism, is obliterated as soon as Cathy reverts to Stereotype Mode.
Can Cathy have it both ways? Is she the modern, Empowered Woman, or is she the giddy girl who can't pass up a shopping bargain? Guisewite appears to remain on the fence about which female stereotypes she wants to indignantly shatter and which she wants to giddily indulge in. Equal pay for equal work, but can't we gals still go shopping? Can we diet away from our cake, but still eat it too?
Guisewite may be exploring this contradiction by painting her character as conflicted, but a more likely explanation is that the entire "shopping" construct is merely an artifice for a series of lame gags, and that there is no character development happening whatsoever.
Logically consistent within that premise is our earlier assertion that Cathy's main import has been to elevate the mundane, typical bothers of daily existence into a sort of pseudo-operatic cacophany of global prosecution, in which every personal tic and foible has the booming quality of an Aristotelian tragic flaw, and every interaction with one's husband, mother, boss, or dog is a clash of titans. Department store dressing rooms become gauntlets of terrible trials, and bikinis must be tried on with one hand while the other defends oneself from the fierce, flaming arrows of The Entire World Against You, your plaintive, bellowing "AACK" reverberating forever in the Halls of Eternity.
You see, everyone alive today has problems. Of every sort. Some of us figure out how to get past them and not let them take over our lives. For the rest of the world, I suppose, there's always Cathy.
...
Divorced by time and progress from whatever socially progressive message it may once have had, Cathy lives on as a cutesy, tape-it-to-your-cubicle strip that gives voice to the myriad ever-present annoyances that seem so very important but are really no more than the normal bumps on the road of every day. By doing so, it has encouraged a culture that treats every slight as a mortal wound and every bother as a tragedy; it echoes (or is echoed by) the petulant cry of a nation that can't develop, say, a healthy resistance to advertising, or a stable relationship with another human being based on compromise and understanding. What was once a novel voice of understanding to a generation finding its way is now a shrill whine that grates on the ears of a new generation.
I started to write my own analysis but then I found this really good one by The Comic Strip Doctor. I copied parts below:
Cathy (by Cathy Guisewite) is widely regarded as the first comic strip that spoke to a generation of working, struggling women in a voice that resonated as one of their own. In the mid-1970s, Guisewite was a successful advertising copywriter with typical insecurites about her love life, her relationship with food and her weight, and the hassles and stresses of work. She doodled little characters expressing her angst on letters to her mother, who pushed her to submit to syndicates.
When the strip first appeared in 1976, women's rights were being newly asserted both in the workplace and in the arena of relationships. The character of Cathy was a young, single, independent woman with the same fears, uncertainties, and challenges as an entire generation. Guisewite again.
"I get way more feedback from people who say that they love Cathy because she's not afraid to admit that she doesn't have it all together every day [...] they say it's refreshing to read Cathy and know that there's somebody else out there who's still hauling around a 40-pound purse full of dreams."
Bathing suit doesn't fit? Cathy's got your back. Mom driving you nuts? Cathy's been there too. Men just don't understand you? Oh, Cathy -- it's you and me against the world. And so every petty dilemma in a woman's life, every mundane struggle and boilerplate annoyance, suddenly became an "AACK!"-worthy crisis.
Since 1976, the role of women in society has changed dramatically. An entire new generation has arisen that doesn't give a second thought to working for a living, for example, or more broadly, taking responsibility for one's own happiness and fulfillment. The average marriage age is older than ever before, as young people -- and young women, in particular -- are realizing that they don't need to define themselves in terms of their role in a relationship. Women of today's generation are every bit as comfortable with technology as men. And yet Cathy AACKs her way through her job, her relationships, and her shopping obsession, puzzling over Irving's "male brain" and turning every visit to the mall into a sweat-soaked, cookie-fueled, nuclear-grade emergency.
The central relationship in Cathy's life is her love/hate affair with consumption. Like many women, Cathy suffers from a poor body image, and struggles to conform to society's unreal image of ideal femininity. She wages seasonal battles with the latest trends in swimwear, formal dress, and shoe fashions; she also fights herself internally, rarely motivating herself to exercise but often guiltily binging on snacks. Her endemic weakness for food, apparel, and tchotchkes makes her unremarkable at best and pathetic at worst.
And yet this sad figure is held up as a beacon of commiserative hope for women? Cathy's weaknesses reinforce whatever stereotypes they are intended to bolster sympathy against. By saying to women, "Don't worry, I feel bad about my weight too," Cathy is saying, "Feeling bad about your weight is something that women do," and excluding positive, healthy thoughts from the realm of "what women do." By saying, "Ha ha, sometimes I buy too much stuff, just like you do," she is saying, "Shopping compulsively is a trait of women in general," and excluding those who exercise self-control as not real women, or at least not "normal" women. Because Cathy is a "normal" woman, and to be a "normal woman" in Cathy's world, you have to obsess about your thighs, hate your mother, carry around a precious little dog and marry a doofus.
The aforementioned doofus, Cathy's husband Irving, is a shallow foil for Cathy's various neuroses. Like the ever-present Saleswoman, more about whom below, Irving exists mainly so that Cathy's readers can sigh knowingly, say "Oh, men!", and put the comic on the fridge for their longsuffering husband to read. Irving likes golf, gadgets, and against all odds, Cathy herself, despite the fact that she is a shrill, bitter harpy. Her one redeeming personality trait is her silence on how abjectly dull her husband is.
Irving was Cathy's long-term boyfriend for many years, until Guisewite decided to reintroduce Cathy to the dating world; then, after a string of cardboard beaus, she decided to marry Cathy off to expose a rich new vein of comedic material. Re-enter the longsuffering Irving, the "nice guy" with no identifiable personality beyond his general "maleness" -- in other words, an aversion to housework, an impatience with shopping, and an affinity for gadgets.
...
The Saleswoman character is Cathy's nemesis. Never named, never personified except by her attempts to batter Cathy's willpower, she typically tries to push a product on Cathy that Cathy doesn't need. Cathy's resistance is therefore an act of heroism against the Establishment.
But any sign that this self-control is a redeeming character trait on Cathy's part, or that it's part of Guisewite's campaign to empower or encourage the Modern Woman against the tantalizing forces of consumerism, is obliterated as soon as Cathy reverts to Stereotype Mode.
Can Cathy have it both ways? Is she the modern, Empowered Woman, or is she the giddy girl who can't pass up a shopping bargain? Guisewite appears to remain on the fence about which female stereotypes she wants to indignantly shatter and which she wants to giddily indulge in. Equal pay for equal work, but can't we gals still go shopping? Can we diet away from our cake, but still eat it too?
Guisewite may be exploring this contradiction by painting her character as conflicted, but a more likely explanation is that the entire "shopping" construct is merely an artifice for a series of lame gags, and that there is no character development happening whatsoever.
Logically consistent within that premise is our earlier assertion that Cathy's main import has been to elevate the mundane, typical bothers of daily existence into a sort of pseudo-operatic cacophany of global prosecution, in which every personal tic and foible has the booming quality of an Aristotelian tragic flaw, and every interaction with one's husband, mother, boss, or dog is a clash of titans. Department store dressing rooms become gauntlets of terrible trials, and bikinis must be tried on with one hand while the other defends oneself from the fierce, flaming arrows of The Entire World Against You, your plaintive, bellowing "AACK" reverberating forever in the Halls of Eternity.
You see, everyone alive today has problems. Of every sort. Some of us figure out how to get past them and not let them take over our lives. For the rest of the world, I suppose, there's always Cathy.
...
Divorced by time and progress from whatever socially progressive message it may once have had, Cathy lives on as a cutesy, tape-it-to-your-cubicle strip that gives voice to the myriad ever-present annoyances that seem so very important but are really no more than the normal bumps on the road of every day. By doing so, it has encouraged a culture that treats every slight as a mortal wound and every bother as a tragedy; it echoes (or is echoed by) the petulant cry of a nation that can't develop, say, a healthy resistance to advertising, or a stable relationship with another human being based on compromise and understanding. What was once a novel voice of understanding to a generation finding its way is now a shrill whine that grates on the ears of a new generation.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I am sick and tired.
Fuck you, WWTDD. I am finishing a nasty cold, and when I saw your post today about smacking pregnant J.Lo., it really chapped my hide. You previously said that "the good news is there's still time to find Jessica Alba and start punching her in the stomach before her perfect body begins it's terrifying metamorphosis." I can excuse your jokes about pregnant women being fatties (because I love real comedy) and I can excuse your judgment of women's bodies generally (because we're here to please men). But enough with the references to violence against pregnant women! I feel like I've seen this all over the place lately. It's uncool.
Seriously. I read a somewhere that if a woman becomes pregnant, the most likely way for her to die is murder. By the baby daddy. There is a statistical convergence between pregnancy and homicide. [Fn1] I assumed it was just because we inconvenience men by providing a nurturing womb for the sperm they happily shoot into us. Nope. Apparently we also deserve punishment for becoming unattractive (from the sperm that they happily shoot into us). It's so fucked up! We already have to walk around knowing men constantly judge our attractiveness like that's our primary value. If we're unattractive, we're figuratively fucked. But if we're attractive enough to be literally fucked, they kill us? What. The. Fuck.
Fuck.
[Fn1] Journal of the American Medical Association in 2001: "A pregnant or recently pregnant woman is more likely to be a victim of homicide than to die of any other cause." And the actual numbers are probably even higher. Why? Because law enforcement has only recently started tracking the pregnancy status of murdered women.
Seriously. I read a somewhere that if a woman becomes pregnant, the most likely way for her to die is murder. By the baby daddy. There is a statistical convergence between pregnancy and homicide. [Fn1] I assumed it was just because we inconvenience men by providing a nurturing womb for the sperm they happily shoot into us. Nope. Apparently we also deserve punishment for becoming unattractive (from the sperm that they happily shoot into us). It's so fucked up! We already have to walk around knowing men constantly judge our attractiveness like that's our primary value. If we're unattractive, we're figuratively fucked. But if we're attractive enough to be literally fucked, they kill us? What. The. Fuck.
Fuck.
[Fn1] Journal of the American Medical Association in 2001: "A pregnant or recently pregnant woman is more likely to be a victim of homicide than to die of any other cause." And the actual numbers are probably even higher. Why? Because law enforcement has only recently started tracking the pregnancy status of murdered women.
Mom's Corner
Parents are the cutest!
Mom: it'll feel good to celebrate and extend your birthday with your lovely presence in a few weeks!! it'll also feel soooo good to give you a big huuuggg!! XOXO to my favorite daughter!
Linda: Is there any type of restaurant or food that you and dad want? Any preferred activities?
Mom: can we see the knife bowl katy got you? can't picture it. dad didn't get to golden gate park yet...can we get a good, long walk there? he'd like to see haight ashbury too, i think. sometime (doesn't have to be this trip) i'd like to walk across the g.g. bridge too. i like any kind of food!!! how about a mediterranean place? french is always good. maybe dad has more preferences. i suppose it would help you if we were more exact?
Dad: I did not say I would like to see haight ashbury. What have you been dropping or smoking? [Fn1]
[Fn1] My father would like everybody to understand that he was around in the 60's, okay?, and he was cool, man, and he understands that drugs can be both dropped (acid!) or smoked (the grass!).
Mom: it'll feel good to celebrate and extend your birthday with your lovely presence in a few weeks!! it'll also feel soooo good to give you a big huuuggg!! XOXO to my favorite daughter!
Linda: Is there any type of restaurant or food that you and dad want? Any preferred activities?
Mom: can we see the knife bowl katy got you? can't picture it. dad didn't get to golden gate park yet...can we get a good, long walk there? he'd like to see haight ashbury too, i think. sometime (doesn't have to be this trip) i'd like to walk across the g.g. bridge too. i like any kind of food!!! how about a mediterranean place? french is always good. maybe dad has more preferences. i suppose it would help you if we were more exact?
Dad: I did not say I would like to see haight ashbury. What have you been dropping or smoking? [Fn1]
[Fn1] My father would like everybody to understand that he was around in the 60's, okay?, and he was cool, man, and he understands that drugs can be both dropped (acid!) or smoked (the grass!).
Monday, February 4, 2008
Eli Manning
Throughout the game yesterday [Fn1] I kept thinking "How old is Eli Manning?!? He's just a baby!" So I Wikipediad him. His age is uninteresting (27) but did you know ELI'S HOBBIES INCLUDE ANTIQUING IN THE OFF-SEASON WITH HIS MOTHER AND FIANCEE, whom he's been dating since their days together at Ole Miss? God bless you, Wikipedia.
[FN1] The 15 minutes I was not watching the Puppy Bowl.
[FN1] The 15 minutes I was not watching the Puppy Bowl.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Sarah Silverman is f*cking Matt Damon
I go back and forth with Sarah Silverman. Love her when she's mean, not so much when she makes poop jokes. This video's good, though. By way of background: Jimmy Kimmel often ends programs by saying "Our apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time tonight..."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Wainy Days
These short videos by David Wain are pretty good. I love when he pushes the guy down randomly at the beginning of Episode 1. I think Episode 4 (below) is my favorite so far, especially when he grabs at the bread basket and pepper shaker, and then has a little fit and holds onto the table at the end.
Thanks for the link, Hip E.
Thanks for the link, Hip E.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
An Evite Message
Delta Gamma Alumni -Wine Essentials 101
"Just a note that Tina does have cats, so please be aware if you are allergic and would like to attend this event."
"Just a note that Tina does have cats, so please be aware if you are allergic and would like to attend this event."
Monday, January 28, 2008
They gots the crazy eyes.
I watched part of the South Carolina debates tonight. I realized John Edwards reminds me of somebody.
I'm sorry, John.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Apples to Apples
Let's lighten it up a bit in here, shall we?
I went to Tahoe last weekend. Are there pictures of the snow or the mountains or the pretty trees? Nope. Is there a picture of a funny round of Apples to Apples? Yes.
Will Smith was the winning play.
I went to Tahoe last weekend. Are there pictures of the snow or the mountains or the pretty trees? Nope. Is there a picture of a funny round of Apples to Apples? Yes.
Will Smith was the winning play.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Lake of Fire
I saw Lake of Fire last night. It's a great documentary about the abortion debate. It was billed as being pretty even handed but I don't know who would view it and see equal merit in both the Pro Choice and Pro Life movements. Maybe that's because I prefer to call them the Pro Choice and Anti Choice movements.
None of the ideas presented in the film are particularly new, but it engaged me and it's probably healthy to discuss something other than Maria Bamford and brussels sprouts.
The movie is gruesome. There are scenes of ladies in stirrups with the tubes of blood and the whirring machine noise, and there are images of doctors aborting more progressed pregnancies and sifting through blood with tiny baby feet and stuff. There are also crime scenes of murdered abortion doctors and photos of women who died attempting home abortions. [FN1] The movie ends when a woman (whom the camera has just followed walking in, waiting, being counselled, then having the abortion), breaks down and sobs "I know I made the right decision, but it's just so hard." I cried myself from fear of ever facing unwanted pregnancy and the awfulness of that choice for other women.
The Pro Choice movement fails when it attempts to hide the awfulness of abortions. That thing in there is living, and -- left alone -- will become a baby. [FN2] Women know this and they're affected by the procedure on a fundamental human level. They're also affected by it on a painful physical level because there is machinery all up in their body cutting and sucking things out. It's awful. But is does not equal ought. The Pro Choice movement needs to focus on the fact that while abortion is tragic and a choice no woman makes lightly, that does not mean it ought to be illegal.
The Pro Life movement fails in a multitude of ways.
Pro Life loves defending the babies, but only when they're in other women's wombs. Preventing the pregnancy altogether with sex education and birth control? Not so much. Providing basic medical care to decrease our embarrassingly high rates of preventable infant death? Not so much. Educating that child and not sending him or her to war? Again: Not so much.
Speaking of war, the Pro Life movement has some nasty bedfellows. Like political hawks. And militia men. And racists. And sexists. And homophobes (cause the gays have so many abortions?). And my personal favorite: the ignorant religious extremists. There's a great scene in which an abortion picketer says abortionists are murderers and should die because the Bible says so. The filmmaker asks "Who else does the Bible say should die?" and the man answers "Sodomites," and points at a nearby group of pro-choice women (?). The filmmaker asks "Who else?" and the man answers "Blasphemers." The filmmaker asks "What's a blasphemer? Anybody who says goddamnit?" The man looks extremely confused and looks to a senior religious extremist nearby who answers in the affirmative, so the man turns back to the filmmaker and says proudly "Yes, anybody who says goddamnit." Ohhh kay.
Speaking of the bible, Pro Life forgets we're a secular state. Not everybody practices a religion, let alone the same one you do. Within a religion, not all adherents interpret things the same absolute black and white way. And even assuming you know how your God would feel about the abortion decision in every situation, that only suggests you should refrain from abortion. You can also work to decrease the number of abortions. But the law can't prohibit all abortions because of your God.
Pro Life just has too narrow a worldview. Most people recognize that pregnancy is the beginning of something. But people also realize that isn't the only value to consider in an abortion decision. There's the life and physical autonomy of the mother. The life of the father. The life the child would have. And if I'm gonna get really liberal on your ass, the fact that the environment doesn't need more population growth. The decision isn't made in a vacuum. There are simply too many values to balance, situations to consider, and shades of grey to muddle through for the government to make a blanket decision.
I'm ranting now so I'll stop. Just see the movie! It's good. To quote reviewer Harry Chotiner: "Kaye's beautifully shot film doesn't so much leave us discouraged by the polarization of the two sides, though it does that. More deeply, it leaves us saddened and weary because abortions are tragic and necessary, and it weighs on the soul to have to hold on to both of those truths."
[FN1] Apparently before Roe v. Wade, botched abortions were the greatest killer of women aged 18-45. And apparently if Roe v. Wade is overturned, the number of abortions will stay the same and the deaths will increase. Who will die? The poorest women, the women with the least education and resources to obtain a safe (albeit illegal) procedure.
[FN2] Dehumanizing the fetus also gets liberals into trouble when a pregnant woman is murdered. Is it just one murder because the other was not yet a person? No. To a happily expectant parent that is an unborn baby whose death carries the same anguish as a born baby. Perhaps the solution is again choice. The woman decides her pregnancy status, not the government.
None of the ideas presented in the film are particularly new, but it engaged me and it's probably healthy to discuss something other than Maria Bamford and brussels sprouts.
The movie is gruesome. There are scenes of ladies in stirrups with the tubes of blood and the whirring machine noise, and there are images of doctors aborting more progressed pregnancies and sifting through blood with tiny baby feet and stuff. There are also crime scenes of murdered abortion doctors and photos of women who died attempting home abortions. [FN1] The movie ends when a woman (whom the camera has just followed walking in, waiting, being counselled, then having the abortion), breaks down and sobs "I know I made the right decision, but it's just so hard." I cried myself from fear of ever facing unwanted pregnancy and the awfulness of that choice for other women.
The Pro Choice movement fails when it attempts to hide the awfulness of abortions. That thing in there is living, and -- left alone -- will become a baby. [FN2] Women know this and they're affected by the procedure on a fundamental human level. They're also affected by it on a painful physical level because there is machinery all up in their body cutting and sucking things out. It's awful. But is does not equal ought. The Pro Choice movement needs to focus on the fact that while abortion is tragic and a choice no woman makes lightly, that does not mean it ought to be illegal.
The Pro Life movement fails in a multitude of ways.
Pro Life loves defending the babies, but only when they're in other women's wombs. Preventing the pregnancy altogether with sex education and birth control? Not so much. Providing basic medical care to decrease our embarrassingly high rates of preventable infant death? Not so much. Educating that child and not sending him or her to war? Again: Not so much.
Speaking of war, the Pro Life movement has some nasty bedfellows. Like political hawks. And militia men. And racists. And sexists. And homophobes (cause the gays have so many abortions?). And my personal favorite: the ignorant religious extremists. There's a great scene in which an abortion picketer says abortionists are murderers and should die because the Bible says so. The filmmaker asks "Who else does the Bible say should die?" and the man answers "Sodomites," and points at a nearby group of pro-choice women (?). The filmmaker asks "Who else?" and the man answers "Blasphemers." The filmmaker asks "What's a blasphemer? Anybody who says goddamnit?" The man looks extremely confused and looks to a senior religious extremist nearby who answers in the affirmative, so the man turns back to the filmmaker and says proudly "Yes, anybody who says goddamnit." Ohhh kay.
Speaking of the bible, Pro Life forgets we're a secular state. Not everybody practices a religion, let alone the same one you do. Within a religion, not all adherents interpret things the same absolute black and white way. And even assuming you know how your God would feel about the abortion decision in every situation, that only suggests you should refrain from abortion. You can also work to decrease the number of abortions. But the law can't prohibit all abortions because of your God.
Pro Life just has too narrow a worldview. Most people recognize that pregnancy is the beginning of something. But people also realize that isn't the only value to consider in an abortion decision. There's the life and physical autonomy of the mother. The life of the father. The life the child would have. And if I'm gonna get really liberal on your ass, the fact that the environment doesn't need more population growth. The decision isn't made in a vacuum. There are simply too many values to balance, situations to consider, and shades of grey to muddle through for the government to make a blanket decision.
I'm ranting now so I'll stop. Just see the movie! It's good. To quote reviewer Harry Chotiner: "Kaye's beautifully shot film doesn't so much leave us discouraged by the polarization of the two sides, though it does that. More deeply, it leaves us saddened and weary because abortions are tragic and necessary, and it weighs on the soul to have to hold on to both of those truths."
[FN1] Apparently before Roe v. Wade, botched abortions were the greatest killer of women aged 18-45. And apparently if Roe v. Wade is overturned, the number of abortions will stay the same and the deaths will increase. Who will die? The poorest women, the women with the least education and resources to obtain a safe (albeit illegal) procedure.
[FN2] Dehumanizing the fetus also gets liberals into trouble when a pregnant woman is murdered. Is it just one murder because the other was not yet a person? No. To a happily expectant parent that is an unborn baby whose death carries the same anguish as a born baby. Perhaps the solution is again choice. The woman decides her pregnancy status, not the government.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Mom's Corner
"i placed my first ebay bid last night. i'm trying to find a wall tapestry to put on our toilet room's bare walls, and last night i found one that has a similar effect as the painting in our bathroom...trees, water, stone. i hope i get the bid since it was a great deal for a large tapestry. i'll know in three days. we also ordered frosted window film for our bathroom and the guest shower. i'm looking forward to the privacy and more lighting effect once we put that in.
ok...enough of my decorating news. you'll see these subtle changes in may!!
got to get to work now...maggie woke up with diarrhea last night and didn't make it outside in time. i've been working on cleaning and deoderizing that spot since 11:30 last night. uff da! she's so embarrassed too, poor thing. she feels all right today. that's good since she has graduation today at 4:45!! sit, maggie...not shit!!"
ok...enough of my decorating news. you'll see these subtle changes in may!!
got to get to work now...maggie woke up with diarrhea last night and didn't make it outside in time. i've been working on cleaning and deoderizing that spot since 11:30 last night. uff da! she's so embarrassed too, poor thing. she feels all right today. that's good since she has graduation today at 4:45!! sit, maggie...not shit!!"
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Heath Ledger died today.
It bothers me more than it should. I gasped audibly this afternoon, and spent the rest of the day wanting to come home, watch Brokeback Mountain, and cry. Seriously. Remember this scene at the end of the movie? Uff da.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Diane Keaton
I've been meaning to post about her for a while, and how she's awesome, and then yesterday on Good Morning America she did this:
Oh Diane! Let's list some reasons why I love you.
Annie Hall - I love the dialogue and the wardrobe, and apparently many of your mannerisms and self-deprecating sense of humor were added into the role.
Woody Allen - Nice work, I understand the appeal my friend. I understand the appeal. And I like that you're still friends.
Clown Paintings - You collect them, and then you published an anthology of clown paintings, which I gave to my brother for Christmas a few years ago. I should give it to more people.
Father of the Bride I and II - You were married to Steve Martin, on whom I have a crush that is either wanting him to be my father or my husband, I cannot quite tell.
The First Wives Club - I'm a sucker for kooky exhuberant devil-may-care women (of a certain age).
Warren Beatty - He's beautiful. I enjoy his marriage to Annette Bening and adoration for his sister Shirley MacLaine. The man seems to love cool women.
Katharine Hepburn - I've read you admire Katharine Hepburn, whom I also admire. I like this comparison from the San Francisco Examiner: "No longer relying on that stuttering uncertainty that seeped into all her characterizations of the 1970s, she has somehow become Katharine Hepburn with a deep maternal instinct, that is, she is a fine and intelligent actress who doesn't need to be tough and edgy in order to prove her feminism."
Somethings' Gotta Give - You look good for your age, lady, and I like the age appropriate pairing with Jack Nicholson.
Style - I also enjoy smart tailoring and menswear. The San Francisco Chronicle described you as "easy to find. Look for the only woman in sight dressed in a turtleneck. On a 90-degree afternoon in Pasadena."
Elephant - You executive produced it?!? Just learned that, thanks Wikipedia.
Al Pacino - This is also news to me, but I love that you said "Al was simply the most entertaining man... To me, that's, that is the most beautiful face. I think Warren was gorgeous, very pretty, but Al's face is like whoah. Killer, killer face." Yes. Let's get a drink and discuss Javier Bardem and Clive Owen.
Blogging - You sometimes blog for The Huffington Post. Rad. Let's blog while we drink and talk about men.
Oh Diane! Let's list some reasons why I love you.
Annie Hall - I love the dialogue and the wardrobe, and apparently many of your mannerisms and self-deprecating sense of humor were added into the role.
Woody Allen - Nice work, I understand the appeal my friend. I understand the appeal. And I like that you're still friends.
Clown Paintings - You collect them, and then you published an anthology of clown paintings, which I gave to my brother for Christmas a few years ago. I should give it to more people.
Father of the Bride I and II - You were married to Steve Martin, on whom I have a crush that is either wanting him to be my father or my husband, I cannot quite tell.
The First Wives Club - I'm a sucker for kooky exhuberant devil-may-care women (of a certain age).
Warren Beatty - He's beautiful. I enjoy his marriage to Annette Bening and adoration for his sister Shirley MacLaine. The man seems to love cool women.
Katharine Hepburn - I've read you admire Katharine Hepburn, whom I also admire. I like this comparison from the San Francisco Examiner: "No longer relying on that stuttering uncertainty that seeped into all her characterizations of the 1970s, she has somehow become Katharine Hepburn with a deep maternal instinct, that is, she is a fine and intelligent actress who doesn't need to be tough and edgy in order to prove her feminism."
Somethings' Gotta Give - You look good for your age, lady, and I like the age appropriate pairing with Jack Nicholson.
Style - I also enjoy smart tailoring and menswear. The San Francisco Chronicle described you as "easy to find. Look for the only woman in sight dressed in a turtleneck. On a 90-degree afternoon in Pasadena."
Elephant - You executive produced it?!? Just learned that, thanks Wikipedia.
Al Pacino - This is also news to me, but I love that you said "Al was simply the most entertaining man... To me, that's, that is the most beautiful face. I think Warren was gorgeous, very pretty, but Al's face is like whoah. Killer, killer face." Yes. Let's get a drink and discuss Javier Bardem and Clive Owen.
Blogging - You sometimes blog for The Huffington Post. Rad. Let's blog while we drink and talk about men.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Pieces of posts and comments I stole from other people whose blogs I read but whom I have not met.
I. Consadulations everyone! (Edith Zimmerman)
Her most recent post making fun of the NY Times wedding announcements included this awesome image:
Fantastic on its own, but I loved the comment "if i were forced to get a tattoo at gunpoint, i think i would choose the first image featured in this post."
Her most recent post making fun of the NY Times wedding announcements included this awesome image:
Fantastic on its own, but I loved the comment "if i were forced to get a tattoo at gunpoint, i think i would choose the first image featured in this post."II. Best. Conversation. Ever. (Lindsayism)
I've been telling this story for the past five days, and it still makes me laugh:
Friend: I'm going to a notary after this.
Me: I've always wanted to be a notary.
Other Friend: My brother is a notary. Well, in Second Life.
(Everyone): !!!!!!
Her brother is a notary. In Second Life. Then:
Friend: He had to settle this dispute once and one of the people involved, a woman, well, her avatar was female anyway, pooped on his head.
(Everyone): !!!!!
Me: Wait, so she had to BUY the poop? With real money???
Friend: Yeah. Well, technically, she could make it.
Me: Out of what? Food?
Friend: Pixels.
....my favorite comment there was "I love being alive right now."
Monday, January 14, 2008
Caption This
Let's play Caption the Picture! - "Am I a Baldwin brother?"
- "See these tiny scissors? I'm going to cut your rat-tail."
- "Am I wearing a pocket protector and a gold watch? Am I a science teacher?"
- "I support the use of hair gel."
- "Make sure the condom's not inside out."
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