Keyboarding

Do you know how to type properly? It's odd that as computers rose to world domination, typing classes declined.

I'm the only person I know who's taken an actual QWERTY-style class. I took "Keyboarding and Word Processing" in high school. It was my parents' idea, which is weird because they rarely give opinions or guidance. I figured it'd be an easy A. I was so pissed when I received a B+ (Seriously? In a class full of pregnant teens and ghetto lip liner?)

But back to QWERTY. It's really bizarre and counterintuitive, right? Turns out it it's supposed to be that way. The first commercially successful typewriter was developed by Christopher Latham Sholes in 1873 with an alphabetical arrangement. However, people became so fast that the keys would jam. Sholes decided to slloooow doooown the tyyyyping. He placed the most frequently used keys as far apart from each other as he could. His keyboard became known as the QWERTY keyboard.

Better systems exist.

The DVORAK keyboard was designed by August Dvorak in the 1930’s. It allows the typist to write over 3,000 words (vs 50) without the fingers reaching. A QWERTY typist's fingers travel 20 miles per day while DVORAK fingers travel only only 12. A test on Navy typists during WW2 showed productivity increase 74% and accuracy 68%.

The MALT keyboard is even better. Devised by Lillian Malt (a beleaguered secretary perhaps?), it eliminated staggered rows, fostered thumb use, and made it easier to reach the backspace and other normally out of the way keys.

Next week: The History of Mechanical Pencils or Something Equally Fascinating.

Gaylord

Ha! When looking for a title to the keyboard entry, I used an online rhyme generator. The following apparently rhyme with "keyboard:"

keyboarded, pegboard, seaboard, bodyboard, larboard, inboard, freeboard, greybeard, aboard, cupboard, fretboard, outboard, lapboard, headboard, overboard, footboard, bombard, regard, baseboard, Bedford, dartboard, Reynold, chessboard, duckboard, sailboard, elbowed, breadboard, record, leotard, shipboard, starboard, fiberboard, Lombard, buckboard, Bernard, graybeard, sideboard, seabird, moldboard, Gaylord, dashboard, paperboard, wallboard, tailboard, Bernhard, retard, washboard, signboard, westward, petard

I like so many things about this, including how (a) "keyboard" rhymes with every other "-board" word except just plain "board"; and similarly (b) a "greybeard" and "graybeard" totally rhyme but a regular "beard" does not.

Congratulations!

Karl and Melissa got themselves good and married last weekend. I got myself good and embarrassed by crying through a little tribute speech in which, among other things, I thanked Karl for bringing me such a rad sister-in-law and thanked Melissa for making my little brother so happy.


I hope you are currently - as Mom directed - "having lots of sex."

Spray Tan

I was spray tanned last week. I thought it would be a quick half hour of luxury because it was a chic little place in the Castro and the website claimed: "Step into your own private booth to be gently sprayed with a fine tanning mist that creates a beautiful golden tan in less than one minute...Our tanning solution quickly and evenly covers your entire body."

I thought wrong my friends.

I arrived for my 7:00 AM appointment. The surly and sleeveless-tee'd attendant snipped the shop wasn't ready and I'd have to sit and wait. He then took a huge drag off his Peet's, rubbed his temples dramatically, and strolled outside to talk with another gentleman about moving a vehicle for street cleaning. They had a good chuckle.

Properly caffeinated, he sped-talked me through the process. What I needed to do was goinsidethisroomrubthebarriercreamontheinsideofmypalmsknucklesfingernailsandelbowsandkneesandanklesandtopsofmytoesandinsidemytoesandonmyfingernails.

I asked if I could have the machine avoid my face. That was a stupid question and was greeted with a snort and a condescending mention that I could put the barrier cream on my face but he "couldn't guarantee the results."

Then I needed to hangmyrobeoutsidethebooth,enterthebooth,faceforwardandpushthebuttonandmaketheballerinapose, thenturnandmakethecharlie'sangelspose, thenturnagainandmakeballerinaagain, thenturnagainandmakecharlie'sangelsagain, and trynottoobreathinbetweentheburstsofmistandafterthefourthmistitwillfeellikeit'snotdonebutit'sdoneandyoucangetout.

I did those things. I did those things despite the fact that it was cold and the jets shot forcibly into me while I winced and whimpered and maintained my poses. Yet when I walked into my changing room, I saw that while my face was frighteningly brown, my body had received not the promised even coverage, but a bunch of disc marks with long drips running down. Cute! I grabbed the provided baby wipes and attacked my face in hopes of eradicating those bronze demons first. But then the disc n' drip pattern quickly dried on my legs and arms and shit. Wiping the towel gently across my body as he'd suggested did not help. Asking him how to fix it did not help. He gave me a tiny bottle of self-tanner and told me to "massage it into the affected area." (Hey, do I have a botched tan or A NASTY RASH?).

I went to work and stank like self-tanner through the day. I also went to the wedding with streaked- to very-streaked limbs. Lesson learned: Don't fight the Norwegian.

Lean Like a Cholo

I spent a few hours yesterday leaning like a cholo. Andrea talked about it at the wedding and at Wayne's bbq yesterday we all gathered round the YouTube watching the video and dancing like dorky white cholos. The song has apparently flooded the San Diego airwaves because I heard it twice on the ride home. Check it:

Music Videos Vacation Homes mp3 music codes

Make sure you also look at the copycat videos, including this one.

Billie Holiday

On the way home tonight I read the following section in Sleepless Nights, and DAMN I need to listen to more Billie Holiday:

She was fat the first time we saw her, large, brilliantly beautiful, fat. She seemed for this moment that never again returned to be almost a matron, someone real and sensible who carried money to the bank, signed papers, had curtains made to match, dresses hung, and shoes in pairs, gold and silver, black and white, ready. What a strange, betraying apparition that was, madness, because never was any woman less a wife or mother, less attached; not even a daughter could she easily appear to be. Little called to mind the pitiful sweetness of a young girl. No, she was glittering, somber, and solitary, although of course never alone, never. Stately, sinister and determined.

The creamy lips, the oily eyelids, the violent perfume - and in her voice the tropical l's and r's. Her presence, her singing created a large, swelling anxiety. Long red fingernails and the sound of electrified guitars. Here was a woman who had never been a Christian.

To speak as part of the white audience of "knowing" this baroque and puzzling phantom is an immoderation and yet there are many persons who have little splinters of memory that seem to have been personal. At times they have remembered an exchange of some sort. And of course the lascivious gardenias, worn like a large, white, beautiful ear, the heavy laugh, marvelous teeth, and the splendid head, archaic, as if washed up from the Aegean. Sometimes she dyed her hair red and the curls lay flat against her skull, like dried blood.

Miranda July

This chick Miranda July is everywhere lately and I'm fascinated with her.

First one friend sent me the link to her cool book promotion website. Right after I looked at the website and liked it, another friend asked if I wanted to go see her talk here in San Francisco.

I googled her and learned she produced "Me, You, and Everyone We Know" which I've been itching to see. She also produced a short film called "Are you the Favorite Person of Anybody?" with the completely depressing premise of stopping passersby to ask if they are anybody's favorite person. Yikes. If somebody asked me that on the street I'd probably cry. Because besides my parents? Uh, nobody. I also learned she grew up in Berkeley and lived in Portland for a while so I feel she and I could be friends and stuff.

Then Corporate Casual held a fake MASH game that listed her as an "affair" option. Random.

Anyhoozle. Check her out.

(Update 5/29/07: She's also in a recent issue of Esquire!)

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

My friend recounted a classic Bay to Breakers story via Yelp review.

It involves Grey Goose, Chevron, hot dogs, and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (twice).

Well Hello There

Dear Office Cleaning Lady,

How are you? Did you have a nice weekend? Watch the Preakness? Close call right?!?

Um, I realize we all have jobs to do and I certainly don't want to tell you how to do yours. But when I'm peeing in one stall can you maybe not go into the neighboring stall and open the toilet paper receptacle to refill it, which gives you a straight view into my stall, and then when I reach for the toilet paper on my side your hand grazes mine because you are refilling the other side? In summary, I'm concerned with: (1) the line of sight; and (2) the hand grazing. Thanks!

Linda

Waverly Inn

I'm super tired tonight and don't have any blog reserves so you're getting this entertaining email from the lovely KC in NYC:

"Spotted at Graydon Carter's Waverly Inn Monday night: Russell Simmons, sans on-again-off-again Kimora Lee. Looking well-rested and shiny, Simmons sipped fresh juice (apparently BYOJ) and worked the room, at one point going over to a nearby table to shake hands with an unidentified director who was dining with Olivia Wilde of recent Black Donelly's fame and of the unreal facial bone structure (also known as 'hot lesbian' from the OC). Malcolm Gladwell (of The Tipping Point notoriety) arriving alone and be joined shortly after by Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. The duo noshed on comfort food while enjoying what seemed to be rather awkward conversation. Across the room, classy Brit Michael Caine chatted with friends and his gorgeous Indian wife. Caine, looking tall and ruddy, did not disappoint. Overheard by the men's room telling two superhot femmes that he didn't see why they couldn't join him in there later was Revlon owner/recent Ellen Barkin divorcee Ron Perlman - looking extra short, extra bald, and extra like he probably has a very, very tiny pee-pee. Wearing signature black-rimmed glasses, in a booth near the back, was German architect Daniel Liebskind. Lastly, business communications up-and-comer and goddess, KC Crofoot, radiant in a black dress and red shoes - celebrating her 28th birthday with gadabout townThocaton McGee and an older couple - one of whom could have been Sean Connery."

Reason # 5472 my brother is rad.

To his friend on MySpace: "Are you gonna organize a bachelor party for me? I would really appreciate it, but I would also insist on all the douchebag elements being removed. You know what I mean! I don't want to be like 8 beers in to my evening before some paid-off slut is placed on my lap and all you dudes go 'NOW FUCK HER RIGHT NOW OR YOU'RE A GAY'"

Besides sticking power...

What do NuBras and Jesus have in common?

I have no freaking clue.

But when I googled sticky bras today (wedding next weekend, halter, etc.), I found an eBay ad for NuBra featuring pictures of crosses backlit by sunsets and playing the song "Come to Jesus."

T.G.I.F.

Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew..."

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

Besides humiliated parents and/or testicular cancer...

What do Tom Green and one of Hef's girlfriends have in common?

They both ghost ride the whip, that's what.

When Magda was here in February she introduced me to the pleasures of The Girls Next Door. In one episode Kendra drives a fancy Escalade onto a residential street in Beverly Hills, gets out while it's going, and freaks the car.

Then yesterday I noticed Tom Green had a video in which he drives a Lincoln Continental onto a deserted farm road in Saskatchewan, walks on the hood while it's going, and repeatedly enunciates "apply pressure to the brake" in an amusing way.

Falwell's Greatest Hits

Jerry Falwell (pastor, televangelist, co-founder of the Moral Majority) passed away yesterday. Hopefully some of his social policies passed with him. Here are his Top 10 quotes to remind people why voting is important:

10. It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.

9. Textbooks are Soviet Propaganda.

8. The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.

7. He is purple - the gay pride color - and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay pride symbol. (RE: Teletubby Tinky Winky).

6. Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

5. The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews.

4. AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.

3. If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.

2. Civil wrongs movement. (RE: Civil rights movement).

1. Throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say "you helped this happen." (RE: 9/11)

Handy

I love the word "handy." It applies to a man that fixes leaky faucets and knows when and where and why to use a washer. It has a nice retro feel, like he mows the lawn and smells of soap and is considered by his neighbors to be a family man. Yum. I would bake that man an apple pie.

Why then, when my co-worker hints that her brother lives near me and is "handy," do I keep picturing Schneider from One Day at a Time?

Ja Ja Ja

My small liberal arts college in Oregon was smaller and much whiter than my high school in California. I didn't like that. Then, because people were more interested in earnest volunteer work than snarky sarcasm and talking about Waiting for Guffman, I got real uppity-like and spent freshman year considering many of them bland and mediocre.

That passed, but sometimes I jump back on my uppity bandwagon. My dad didn't help last week by telling me he received a resume from a guy who'd majored in Politics (my major) at University (my college), and then, in order to secure gainful employment, he - get this! - spent a few years at a community college. Oh that's rich!

Dad: I guess people do different things with their Politics degrees from University. I found it interesting that Mr. X immediately went to graduate school at Community College and studied surveying. Just think, if he had spent another year at Community College instead of wasting four years at University, he could have had an Associate in Science degree in land surveying. He could have gone on to become a licensed professional land surveyor instead of kicking around during his career as a survey party chief. I'm so proud of you for having overcome your useless, deficient education at University. Law School helped your career, but perhaps you should return to higher education and look in to another degree. Perhaps Grossmont Community College? Have a great weekend.

Linda: Ha! Can I blog this?

Dad: I don't mind. But you might hurt Mr. X's feelings. Aren't liberals from liberal arts universities always very concerned about offending people? But it's probably OK, he's just a white male, so it doesn't really matter. (Ba dum dum. Dad'll be here all week. Try the veal).

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom love is fantastic. I often joke that my parents' compliments have no value because they find me unbelievably talented. Today is no different. I mailed Mom some hand-made earrings and mixed cds. She gushed on the phone about how beautiful the cover art was. I explained I just cut pictures from an art magazine and glued it on. She then extolled the virtues of my cutting (I cut the cover layer exactly to match the inside slip!) and pasting (I glued it on without any glue marks!). My Mom is the BEST. Love you Mom!

Fotos de Linda

Pictures you find if you and your roommate look up Yo Soy Linda on flickr while drinking cheap red wine:

Go ahead Mr. Wendell

Linda: Hey, are you doing Bay to Breakers? I'm going in a group dressed as Arrested Development and you are totally welcome to come with.

A.Nelson: I just realized that when you said Arrested Development you were talking about the show. For a while I thought you meant the band, like Mr. Wendell, and that seemed really awkward and funny.

The Rapture Index

What do oil prices, satanism, and Gog (Russia) have in common? They predict the rapture!

The Rapture Index provides the prophetic speedometer of end-time activity. As of May 7, 2007 the rapture index was a 157 with a record high of 182 on September 24, 2001 and record low of 57 on December 12, 1993. The 157 number is down 2 points since the last calculation: Liberalism lost one in France when conservative Nicolas Sarkozy won; Draught lost one simply because a lack of activity downgraded that category.

Don't be Left Behind kids. Don't be left behind.

Redevelopment Fest

Linda: (in presentation, head slunk down, sleepy)

Presenter: "The Polanco Redevelopment Act is sausage......."

Linda: (head jerks up)

Presenter: ".....is like sausage....."

Linda: (looks furtively around for knowing eye contact)

Presenter: ".....you don't wanna know what went into it."

Mom's Corner

Happy Six Months, Maggie! Mom sent a great email today for Mom's Corner!

"well maggie lou has been initiated into the dog world with two dog confrontations last week. she survived and has renewed confidence around dogs ever since; it's something a puppy will have to experience eventually. at a dog park a 120 pound retriever/chow mix and two huskies roughed her up and held her down (bites didn't break the skin) until she finally squirmed away and jumped up with her teeth nashing at the 120 pounder...i thought she'd get her head bitten off right then and there before i could get to her. however, after that the dogs left her alone and the other owners praised her/petted her (along with me, of course) for her bravery. i took her back the next day to observe her for fear, anger or excitement, and she was excited and more confident. sunday, rosie (next door crazy barking dog), ran out from her garage and attacked maggie while we were walking on the sidewalk. she knocked maggie down and had her jaws on maggie's throat while growling. it was REALLY SCARY!! the owner and we were yelling at rosie but she didn't listen. dad kicked rosie in the chest which knocked her off maggie. the owner told him to kick her, so he did. all this time maggie is on a leash and rosie is loose. laurie (owner) felt terrible since maggie is only a puppy. it was a great opportunity to talk with laurie about her dog's incessant barking and nashing of teeth to maggie through the fence, etc., since laurie asked how rosie reacts to maggie and us. i mentioned a barking collar and a dog specialist, since rosie is a very smart dog. i was shaking from fear and laurie felt so badly, but we had a really good, honest conversation. she'll keep rosie inside during the week of brother's wedding to keep rosie quiet too. later that night laurie stopped by with wrapped dog treats for maggie and to show us the barking collar she just purchased. she was in tears worrying whether maggie was hurt. i hugged her and said things would be fine. she is now asking us to inform her how the barking collar is working; it's already making a difference. i love hearing rosie struggling to bark now!!! ok...enough of that..."

Cheesy Snacks

I've been veering into a dark place lately with all the talk of child molestation and drunk jews. Let's turn to something upbeat: cheesy snacks.

(5) Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar. These multigrain snacks are made from a special blend of whole wheat, corn, and other natural grains, then cooked until light and crispy. I purchase these when I get a meal deal at Subway. I prefer the Original flavor because I want to preserve the purity of the whole grain goodness, but when the blue package isn't an option I pick the orange and they're pretty darn good.

(4) Ritz Bitz Cracker Sandwiches Cheese. Smaller than your average Ritz, these tiny treats retain the flaky buttery Ritz texture we know and love while also cradling a powdery cheese filling. I remain unsure if the powdery filling has a texture of its own or if it just dissolves into one's mouth upon contact. I purchase these from my office vending machine when (3) or (1) are unavailable.

(3) Snyder's of Hanover Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Sandwiches. Snyder's instructs us to "Imagine real, tangy cheddar cheese sandwiched between two bite-size Pretzel Snaps." I say imagine the real, tangy cheddar is the same powdery texture as the Ritz Bitz but the taste is more like dark neon cheddar instead of light buttery cheddar. And instead of a pastry vibe from the Ritz Bitz you have the pretzel vibe of a Pretzel Snap. I purchase these from my office vending machine.

(2) Snyder's of Hanover Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces. Snyder's says "Generous chunks of our Sourdough Hard Pretzels bursting with intense flavor combinations... like the authentic taste of our Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces." Ignore the tautological rhetoric contained in Snyder's assertion that Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces taste like Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces. Focus instead on the bursting and the intense flavor. I eat these when I purchase them from Safeway or my corner market.*

(1) Munchies Cheese Fix. Wow I love these. The good people at Frito-Lay combined the cheese versions of four bestselling snacks: the Dorito; the Cheeto; the Rold Gold Pretzel; and the Sun Chip. Because why pick just one cheesy snack when you could have four, right? This is AMERICA for chrissakes. I purchase these pretty much all over.

*The only product rated herein that is not sold in an individual serving size.

Wellbutrin = Horny?

I found this ad in the Craigslist M4W section. Yes, yes, I know, Linda browses the Craiglist personals?!? With all her sweet ladylike charms and rockin ass she doesn't have men throwing themselves at her left and right? Believe me she's as baffled as you are. But peruse she does, and today she found this:

Wellbutrin Boy seeks Wellbutrin Girl

I'm a college professor taking wellbutrin for adult ADD. I've developed the usual wellbutrin side-effect, and am looking for a girlfriend. I'm 38, very attractive (no really), I look like I'm about 24, 5'9", 155 lbs, intelligent, and reasonably fun. I'm not looking for a commitment or someone to go out with. I'm looking for someone to stay in with once or twice a week. If you're on prescription Wellbutrin, you know what I'm talking about. I'd like to find a nice, monogamous relationship with no plans on taking it further, but still be friends. I'm just too busy to date in the traditional sense. Very business-like ad, I know. But if you're an attractive female, 18-40, who's taking Wellbutrin, I'd love to get together.

We're going out Friday.

Girl Talk

Men might be surprised how women talk when they hang out. Below are a few things said this weekend while my friend's sweet baby girl sat in our arms:

• What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? The 8 year old in my trunk.
• What's the worst thing about having sex with children? Getting blood on your clownsuit.
• What's the best way to keep kids out of your yard? Molest them.
• What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucked little boys in the ass.
• I would say go fuck yourself but there's a baby in the room.
• I'm still flossing your seed from my teeth.
• You may remember my labia from 2000.

Karl & Mel

Some peeps stole your thunder. http://karlandmel.weddingannouncer.com/

Katy on the New Orleans St. Patrick's Day Parade

"They toss all these things to bystanders, like beads and boas and toys...and vegetables...and babies. The babies are supposed to be Jesus. Everybody wanted the cabbages. We we were begging for them. We got like eight or nine cabbages."

Horse of Battle, Horse of Ballet

Do you guys remember The "World Famous" Lippizzaner Stallions?

Apparently they're still around but when I saw a bumper sticker today (Dodge Caravan, natch) I received a flood of memories from the early 90's. My mom likes horses and I think she was really into them or something. I feel their popularity coincided with Faberge Eggs, but that could be my own magestic royal projection.

The "Equestrian Treat of the Century" includes:

• A performance with "spectacular leaps and maneuvers, once used by riders in saddle to protect and defend themselves on the battlefield, which are now preserved as an equestrian work of art. When you see the Lipizzans perform, it is like stepping back four hundred years and viewing one of the greatest equine ballets in history."
• The Lipizzan horse, which is "a rare and unique breed; its history and culture is known worldwide. The Walt Disney movie The Miracle of the White Stallions, depicting General George S. Patton saving them at the end of World War II from certain extinction, created an even greater world-wide interest in the Lipizzaner breed. Had it not been for Patton, there would be no Lipizzans today."

Credenza

If you use this word I'm pretty sure you're weird.

Today a client kept saying "It's on the credenza....I left it on the credenza under my window....Credenza." I cringed internally each time because, just, yuck. I feel the same way about davenports.