Mom's Corner

Part I - Mom & Linda

Mom: 30 years ago this week your dad proposed to me while on vacation. A few days later driving on Minneapolis freeways, we heard on the radio that Elvis had died.

Linda: And then in most of the pictures from your honeymoon you are wearing a pink Elvis baby tee looking really grumpy (and sporting a perm).

Mom: I wasn't "grumpy" in the photos, I was just sad, it was a deceased Elvis t-shirt. How could I be grumpy on a honeymoon with a sweet brand new husband I barely knew??

[Eds Note: Linda's parents knew each other for 2 weeks in person, 2 months total, still married, still find Monster's Ball totally hot.]

Part II - Mom

I refrained from calling you to announce the thunderstorm we just had!!! I called Brother instead since I was SO EXCITED, but he didn't answer. At least it felt good to tell somebody about the rain!!! Maggie repeatedly ran outside to see the thunder and then watch the raindrops land on the chaise lounge chair or patio floor while her little ole head would bob from one side to the other...so doggone cute!!! Unfortunately, the rain in our area lasted a whopping 30 minutes and it was only light rain. Good enough to get excited about however :)

Love, your rain refreshed momma

Part III - Dad

When we fished in lakes in the Sierra, normally we would put the fish on a stringer, running it from one gill through their mouth. They would lay there alive in the cold water for a couple of hours and slowly die. If they weren't dead by the time we cleaned them, then that operation would do it quickly. Running a knife along their belly from their butt hole to their head and then ripping their guts out would usually finish them off. I always cut the heads off too, but many people leave them on when they cook and serve them. If you are going to catch and release fish (which is state law at many of the lakes and streams in the Sierra), then you should always use hooks without barbs so that the fish are not injured too badly.

I'm tired you get another video.

Russian Child Smoking - Click here for more free videos

Russian child smoking to the dulcet tunes of Gangster's Paradise.

Sloths!

I GOT ARRESTED...AGAIN

I have a MySpace friend named Goldie.

This is her picture.


This is a beautiful and spiritual picture from her page.

I don't know how Goldie and I became MySpace friends. She just showed up. What I do know is that she sent a bulletin today titled "BEST WAY TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY." Oh Goldie, you DOG!!

The title sounded pretty awesome. Unfortunately the bulletin text really only promised one of the following: (i) have someone fall in love with me; (ii) find a $20.00 bill on the ground; (iii) make-out with the person I like; and/or (iv) find the love I've always wanted.

While not as awesome as virginity loss, I do like $20 bills. I just needed to repost with one of the following titles:

"I'm a lesbian"
"I admit that I like him"
"I admit that I like her"
"BEST WAY TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY"
"WHO you..Never..."
"Im HAPPY its OVER "
"ask me out already"
"I GOT ARRESTED...AGAIN"
"OkAy, So i ChEaTeD On HiM LaSt NiGhT...Sooo"
''Baby I want you back, i'm sorry"
"Just to settle all the rumors... yes i did"
"I'm getting married!"
"i just got a job... I'm moving to London!"
"If he was my homework i would do him on the table"
"I hit it 5 times last night"
"my dad got the job im moving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"you suck"


Consider that $20 mine.

Everyman Wedding Tips

I found an article the other day with tips for dudes attending summer weddings. My comments are found below in italics.

1. Giving . Don't bring a gift to the reception unless it's signed by the Secretary of the Treasury. Mail it before the event or up to a year afterward, says Carley Roney, co-founder of TheKnot.com, a wedding Web site. Wandering through Crate & Barrel will tempt you to rekindle your frat days. Resist. (Unless, of course, musk incense sticks and a kegarator are on the couple's registry.) Instead, scour the registry for something you can attach personal meaning to, then explain in a simple card why you bought it. When in doubt, give cash.

(i) Signed by the Secretary of the Treasury? I don't know what that means. Are you implying weddings have thieves? Like wedding pirates? Please tell me more. (ii) Fraternity dudes LOVE the tasteful furnishings of Crate & Barrel. (iii) Intra-generational cash gifting seems awkward.

2. Toasting. The ideal speech lasts 3 minutes or less. Segue from humorous, PG-rated stories into tender moments. "Now that's what I call love," or "And yet, she still said yes." Remember, it's not a roast or a bachelor party. Keep it clean. "Don't say anything you wouldn't be comfortable whispering into the bride's mother's ear," says Roney.

Wait that's kinda hot at the end there. I would whisper so much shit into the bride's mother's ear it's not even funny. Then I would nibble on it.

3. Dressing. An ill-fitting rental tux will conjure up images of the junior prom. The classic choice is a single-breasted peak-lapel jacket paired with a French-cuff shirt, says Kevin Harter, vice president of men's fashion at Bloomingdale's. Your shirtsleeves should reach the base of your wristbone, with a quarter inch of cuff showing. More nuptials in the offing? Buy your own tux and have it tailored. Wear it five times and it pays for itself.

Yeah don't be a classless asshole and wear a rented tuxedo like everybody else in the history of the world ever. [FN1]

4. Singing. Don't. This is the most important day of your friend's life, it's not karaoke night at Bennigan's.

Bennigans! For all your 80's-franchised Irish-themed mid-ranged casual-dining fern-bar eating needs! References to Bennigans will likely jump the shark soon, but not before Corporate Casual delights you with one.

5. Dancing. It's your best chance of wooing a bridesmaid, so ease on out there, Astaire. If your proficiency peaked in junior high, embrace slow songs or ones that revolve around jumping ("Shout"), simple hand movements ("YMCA"), headbanging ("You Shook Me All Night Long"), and hand grabbing ("We Are Family"), suggests Craig Michaels, author of Thirty to Wife: The Tell-All Groom's Guide to Weddings. And know your own limitations. "Never slide across the dance floor like you're stealing third," he says.

Sometimes they just write themselves: "[E]mbrace slow songs or ones that revolve around jumping ("Shout"), simple hand movements ("YMCA"), headbanging ("You Shook Me All Night Long"), and hand grabbing ("We Are Family")."

6. Mingling. Weddings make women feel romantic, not slutty. "They're looking for long-term potential, not just a quick score," says Roney. Entice them by delivering a toast at the rehearsal dinner or reception. "If you're gracious and funny, women will approach you after," says Michaels. And remember: No woman can resist a man who's willing to slow-dance to Sinatra.

I love that this section is titled Mingling. Maybe the previous section should've been called "Use of Dance Cards," and the next section called "Sitting for Painted Portraits." But seriously, Roney, have you met any real women lately? I received several bachelorette party emails in the last few days referring to blow jobs and TMJ. (Shout out Mama and Sara P).

7. Posing. Put down your drink for photographs or risk being immortalized as a lush, says Tom Haibeck, author of Wedding Toasts Made Easy.

Whoa, whoa, Tom, don't overgeneralize here. Champagne toasts are pretty! Men holding scotches are hot! Don't take this away from me.

8. Drinking. Nothing kills the amorous vibe quicker than belligerence, so pace yourself until the cake is cut. "At that point, the important pictures have been taken and the older folks are leaving," says Roney.

Please feel free to kill the amorous vibe after the old people leave.

[FN1] Except Thrill, a true southern gentleman. PS: Where is my case of Tabasco?

Some E-Cards

Louis CK and a Child

Ageless Beauties

The following is from an informational slideshow aptly titled "Ageless Beauties: These women don't need makeovers...they've stayed young-looking by themselves. Discover their secrets...and their real ages!"

Vicki may be almost 60, but she doesn't look like it! She uses some very unique age-defying secrets to stay young looking…and has worn the same clothing size all her life! She swims and dives every day. Vicki also picked up a little trick from a dermatologist in Florida for her extremely dry skin, caused by her extensive exposure to sun and swimming pools. "I have been putting vaginal cream on my face for 20 years. And I use that with Preparation H for puffiness and dryness around the eyes. I use that every night and it really seems to work."

Some thoughts:

(1) She said vaginal cream.

(2) Preparation H is for hemorrhoids, lady. (Or bug bites when young Linda is camping and and her dad just happens to have it around, and come to think of it, if Linda's dad ever goes anywhere he goes with Preparation H.)

(3) I didn't get the memo explaining that Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction-but-with-burns-and/or-skin-grafts-and/or-bad-plastic-surgery is the new beauty.

Diversions For The Asthmatic Child Who Cannot Play In The Snow

(Thanks to Jeff and John Hodgman.)

But suppose you are an asthmatic child, unsuited for play in cold weather, or for labor in the chimneys, or as a sewer lackey. There are still any number of indoor amusements that will not overtax the lungs or the inhaler. For example...

- Inhaler whittling
- Fabrication of elaborate kites that shall never be flown
- Pill-swapping
- Bird-loathing
- Lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling
- Finding new quiet radio programs to listen to
- Hiding

I'm sorry Jason.

I watched the end of Magnolia tonight. Tom Cruise's character bears a striking resemblance to Jason Schwartzman. I dislike that. Next the devil will look like an angel. Or poop will look like a cookie.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Tom Cruise is the crazy poop. Duh.

Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson

My grandmother conceived of life as a road down which one traveled, an easy enough road through a broad country, and that one's destination was there from the very beginning, a measured distance away, standing in the ordinary light like some plain house where one went in and was greeted by respectable people and was shown to a room where everything one had ever lost or put aside was gathered together, waiting.

She accepted the idea that at some time she and my grandfather would meet and take up their lives again, without the worry of money, in a milder climate. She hoped that he would somehow have acquired a little more stability and common sense. With him this had so far not been an effect of age, and she distrusted the idea of transfiguration.

The bitter thing about his death, since she had a house and a pension and the children were almost grown, was that it seemed to her a kind of deflection, not altogether unanticipated. How many times had she waked in the morning to find him gone? And sometimes for whole days he would walk around singing to himself in a thin voice, and speak to her and his children as a very civil man would speak to strangers. And now he had vanished finally.

When they were reunited, she hoped he would be changed, substantially changed, but she did not set her heart on it. Musing thus, she set out upon her widowhood, and became altogether as good a widow as she had been a wife.

My day: Three miscellaneous quotes and one thought.

(1) Mom's Corner: "We're having humidity today and perhaps the temps in the mid 90's...YUCKEROO! I already did a walk with Maggie, hosed off the patio tables, watered potted plants in/out, vacuumed our bedroom/bath and t.v. room, and am now eating breakfast!"

(2) Karate Advertisement on Caesar Chavez: "Belliso Karate School: A Nice Place For a Child to Become Special."

(3) Diff'rent Strokes: (overheard as a compliment between two secretaries) "Your haircut looks nice...like a First Lady."

(4) Sushi: I had lunch with a client today who was all "Hey let's get sushi. By the way I've been kicked out of all-you-can-eat sushi buffets....twice!" He made me eat so much stuff that I spent all afternoon distracted by being stuffed. This is not interesting. What is interesting is that being stuffed by raw fish is way less uncomfortable [FN1] than being stuffed with something like a burrito or pasta.

[FN1]: I see the double negative and I find it appropriate here because it was not positively comfortable.

My sleeping and waking habits.

The last two mornings I've woken up to random songs in my head. Yesterday was Elton John's "Rocket Man." Today was Dire Straits' "Walk of Life." I'm embarrassed these are the tunes playing in my subconscious brain.

I also have boring generic dreams lately, and it's like, hey brain!, when you have no limits can you maybe think of some cool shit to do? None of this "And then my boss closed my office door and sternly told me to stop using the internet so much." I mean at least make the boss not really my boss, you know?

Mom's Corner

"At this age her favorite toy is that ropey thingamajig she happens to be holding in the photo. She uses it as a pull toy or a throw toy or a running toy as it flops against her nose. She has begun to chew and loosen one of the rope knots, so yesterday there were many orange strings in her poop...very weird looking. Today she began her walk with me while carrying this toy too. She takes great pride in holding a toy or a bone or a golf ball while she prances along. About a mile into the walk, she may drop the item and when we return, we'll walk by it and she proceeds to carry it back home again. I've noticed Golden Retrievers doing this, so this activity must be coming from her Daddy's genes. Her dog Daddy would be proud because her human Daddy certainly is!"

Bad Thai Cops to Endure Kitty Shame

(08-06) 04:38 PDT BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) --

Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late — among other misdemeanors — will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public.

The striking armband features Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts.

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.

"(Hello) Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It's not something macho police officers want covering their biceps," Pongpat said.

He said police caught breaking the law will be subject the same fines and penalties as any other members of the public.

"We want to make sure that we do not condone small offenses," Pongpat said, adding that the CSD believed that getting tough on petty misdemeanors would lead to fewer cases of more serious offenses including abuse of power and mistreatment of the public by police officers.

Hello Kitty, invented by Sanrio Co. in 1974, has been popular for years with children and young women. The celebrity cat adorns everything from diamond-studded jewelry, Fender guitars and digital cameras to lunch boxes, T-shirts and stationery.

Who doesn't love pineapple sundaes?

See you at the Crossroads.

I use Hotmail. Guilty as charged. I have a Gmail account like a proper young urbanite but I've been running my life on Hotmail since the 90's and old habits die hard. I may or may not pay for extra storage but let's not go there right now, okay? One embarrassing disclosure at a time.

Sooooo. This is a roundabout way of explaining that when I access Hotmail I encounter MSN and its hard-hitting journalism. Today a big topic was Darfur. And by "Darfur," I mean BONE THUGS ~N~ HARMONY.

Each time I checked my email today there was a little icon that said "Bone Thugs ~N~ Harmony: Catch their concert from Chicago's House of Blues!" The link allows one to (a) see how these long-time rappers are holding it down in 2007; (b) hear about the musical history these Midwest rappers plan to bring onstage; and (c) read about their history, hear track samples, and more! I did none of those things, but I did shut my office door and play the Crossroads video on YouTube for like an hour straight.

Victoria Woodhull

This is the third part in a series I'm calling "Rad Bitches." First came Lucy Stone. Then Hillary (Rodham, Rodham-Clinton) Clinton. Now: Victoria Woodhull. Who the hull is that, you ask? A champion of free love and women's rights, as well as the first female Wall Street broker and Presidential nominee. She was also a looker!

At 15 she married a 28-year-old doctor. She quickly realized he was an alcoholic and a womanizer and she'd need to support him and their 2 kids. This pissed her off for several reasons: (i) at that time women had few options to escape shitty marriages; (ii) divorced ladies were stigmatized and often ostracized and maybe Jazzercized; and (iii) men were allowed to have sex of the pre- and extra-marital varieties.

She and her sister were the first female Wall Street brokers. Their firm opened in 1870 with the assistance of her admirer and wealthy benefactor. Many contemporary men's journals published sexualized images of the pair running their firm, thereby linking the concept of publicly-minded, un-chaperoned women with ideas of "sexuality immorality" and prostitution.

She and her sister also established a paper with opinions on taboo topics. Among other things, the paper advocated women's suffrage, short skirts, spiritualism, free love, vegetarianism, licensed prostitution, and birth control. The paper also included the first English version of the Communist Manifesto.

In 1871, she argued to the House Judiciary Committee that women already had the right to vote - all they had to do was use it - since the 14th and 15th Amendments granted that right to all citizens. (Reminder: Women didn't get the vote until 1920. NINETEEN TWENTY.)

In 1872, she received the Presidential nomination from the Equal Rights Party and Frederick Douglass received the Vice Presidential nomination. While he didn't accept his nomination, her association with him stirred controversy about the mixing of whites n' blacks. The Equal Rights Party hoped the combination would reunite suffragists with civil rights activists, because the exclusion of female suffrage from the 15th Amendment two years earlier apparently had suffragist panties in a bunch.

Two days before the 1872 election, Victoria's paper published an article about a rumored affair between a prominent Protestant Reverend and some woman. The article intended to highlight the sexual double-standard between women and men. It resuled in her arrest that very day for sending obscene materials through the mail. The arrest was arranged by Anthony Comstock, the self-appointed moral defender of the nation at the time, and incited questions about censorship and government persecution. She was acquitted on a technicality six months later, but the arrest prevented Victoria from attempting to vote during the election.

More Hamburger.

Here's more Neil Hamburger for you. This is a clip of him on the Tom Green Show defending Thora Birch's honor:

Neil Hamburger

Neil Hamburger is an anti-comedian in the style of Andy Kaufman's Tony Clifton. His pacing is off (no ba-dum-dum punchlines), he slurs and clears his throat a lot, he says unnnnngh like SNL's Pat, and he holds a bunch of drinks and drops them on audience members.

A few years ago, Hot Karl suggested I watch him at the Hemlock here in San Francisco. I forced Annie, Becky, Hip E, and PETE to go with me. Jokes included such things as "Why does Madonna feed her children Alpo? Because that's what comes out of her breast," and "Why did Michael Jackson turn down $10,000,000 to advertise for McDonalds? Because he doesn't find obese children at all sexually appealing." You get the gist. At the end of the night they were all like "Linda, WTF?" A year later Annie saw him open at the Great American Music Hall. As everybody grumbled and became angry at the shitty comic, Annie told them one time I made her go see him. (PS: You're welcome).

He recently started a show called Poolside Chats on Tom Green's website. Y'all should watch these. To give you a taste: With one angry caller, Hamburger claimed that Bob Dole had the censored the show, to which the caller replied "Yeah, fuck Bob Dole!" Hamburger then suggested the caller "go down to the local wall" and spray paint "Fuck Bob Dole" on it, to which the caller replied "I'll spray paint everything!"

Funny running Poolside Chat jokes include:

• The Pool Guy works during the filming and often smokes joints with the guests. Hamburger has does not appreciate the man "stoning" the guests, and if it continues he will "call 9-1-1".
• Hamburger and Kyle Gass played a duet using a small child's electronic keyboard toy shaped like a hamburger.
• Hamburger claimed that a boy named Nathan had drowned in the pool by which the show is filmed, and was not saved since his parents were filming a porno while the accident happened. He further claimed that this tragic incident had lowered the property values for the house. Tom Green was very evasive when asked about this incident.
• Hamburger revealed that the hair gel he uses, "New Wave Hard Rock Gel," is actually prescribed to him from an Australian pharmacy. It "has" to be imported as it is "banned" in America.
• Hamburger often changes the name of the show mid-show when things are going badly, answering the phone with the new name and confusing callers. Names have included 'Poolside Shit', 'Pizza Hut', 'Hell on Earth', 'Cancelled Show' and 'Girl Talk'.

My eyes are burning.

There are no words.