Neil Hamburger

Neil Hamburger is an anti-comedian in the style of Andy Kaufman's Tony Clifton. His pacing is off (no ba-dum-dum punchlines), he slurs and clears his throat a lot, he says unnnnngh like SNL's Pat, and he holds a bunch of drinks and drops them on audience members.

A few years ago, Hot Karl suggested I watch him at the Hemlock here in San Francisco. I forced Annie, Becky, Hip E, and PETE to go with me. Jokes included such things as "Why does Madonna feed her children Alpo? Because that's what comes out of her breast," and "Why did Michael Jackson turn down $10,000,000 to advertise for McDonalds? Because he doesn't find obese children at all sexually appealing." You get the gist. At the end of the night they were all like "Linda, WTF?" A year later Annie saw him open at the Great American Music Hall. As everybody grumbled and became angry at the shitty comic, Annie told them one time I made her go see him. (PS: You're welcome).

He recently started a show called Poolside Chats on Tom Green's website. Y'all should watch these. To give you a taste: With one angry caller, Hamburger claimed that Bob Dole had the censored the show, to which the caller replied "Yeah, fuck Bob Dole!" Hamburger then suggested the caller "go down to the local wall" and spray paint "Fuck Bob Dole" on it, to which the caller replied "I'll spray paint everything!"

Funny running Poolside Chat jokes include:

• The Pool Guy works during the filming and often smokes joints with the guests. Hamburger has does not appreciate the man "stoning" the guests, and if it continues he will "call 9-1-1".
• Hamburger and Kyle Gass played a duet using a small child's electronic keyboard toy shaped like a hamburger.
• Hamburger claimed that a boy named Nathan had drowned in the pool by which the show is filmed, and was not saved since his parents were filming a porno while the accident happened. He further claimed that this tragic incident had lowered the property values for the house. Tom Green was very evasive when asked about this incident.
• Hamburger revealed that the hair gel he uses, "New Wave Hard Rock Gel," is actually prescribed to him from an Australian pharmacy. It "has" to be imported as it is "banned" in America.
• Hamburger often changes the name of the show mid-show when things are going badly, answering the phone with the new name and confusing callers. Names have included 'Poolside Shit', 'Pizza Hut', 'Hell on Earth', 'Cancelled Show' and 'Girl Talk'.