Chef Boyardee: Canned Pastas

Burgers in a bowl cooked up in no time? How cool is that? How 'bout Pepperoni Pizzazaroli? Or Nacho Cheese Twistaroni? Chef's Canned Pastas have the delicious tastes you've always loved plus some new twists on old favorites. They're meat-ee, chees-ee, sauc-ee... TASTEE!

The good people at ConAgra "foods" also provide a SatisfACTION Hero Quiz. I determined that my SatisfACTION hero is the Mini Ravioli Bowl, meaning:

I am trendsetter - always on the edge of the latest styles. I know that too much of a good thing can be... well...too much. So Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli is a perfect fit for me! All the great taste of ravioli in bite-size pieces. I love the little things in life - like a funny riddle, a shortcut to school or a Mini Ravioli Microwaveable Cup. I have a tight-knit group of super-close friends who I'd do anything for. I might be on the small side, but I come through with great taste in a power package.

Flight of the Conchords

You may know this funny New Zealand duo from their Business Time video (of email forward fame). It's posted below for your convenience.

You should also get to know them through the new self-titled HBO series Flight of the Conchords. The first two episodes are quite enjoyable. Quite. "She's hot. She's like a curry. I want to tell her how hot she is but I don't want to be sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist. ....Bitch."

Their movie Eagle v. Shark also opened nationwide last week and I will encourage that too although I can't personally vouch for its enjoyability.

So Fresh, So Clean

The rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

death (2x)
gay (1x)

A game of hilarious comparisons

Evil Queen Magda - G (no bad words were found)
The Jo-Tel - G (no bad words were found)
A Modern Epistolary - G (fag 1x)
Rush Limbaugh - G (dead 2x, hell 1x)
All Things Amity - PG (death 2x, retard 1x)
RBlog - PG (turd 2x, crappy 1x)
CNN - PG (dead 4x, death 1x)
Nancy Grace - PG-13 (murder 5x, dangerous 2x)
Goldyworld - R (dick 2x, slut 1x)
Perezhilton - R (gay 4x, death 2x, lesbian 1x)
Craigslist SF Casual Encounters - R (sexy 4x, cock 3x, porn 2x, dick 1x)

Mom's Corner

"Maggie Lou just lost 10 pounds from her first haircut today! We keep looking and staring at her while adjusting to her new look. She didn't howl at herself in the mirror, so I guess the change hasn't affected her confidence any!"

Yikes. Does Maggie now look like: (a) a Dandie Dinmont Terrier; or (b) Falkor from The Neverending Story? Vote in comments.

On pirates and John Mulaney

I posted about land pirates a while back, and since then everything's been coming up pirates. Sadly I cannot remember all the pirate references to bore you with right now, so instead I will give you this awesome standup clip from my new favorite person I don't know and will never meet: John Mulaney. His entire bit is fantastic but there's an especially funny part about pirate chests always overflowing because pirates can't gauge depth with the eyepatches.

Aye-aye!

Kendra got engaged yesterday, and in celebration I post this picture of an aye-aye.

Aye-ayes are not only an inside joke from 9th grade biology, but also an onomotopoeia that jives with the pirate theme.

I'm bucking tradition using one for congratulations, however. The aye-aye's native habitat is Magadascar, where aye-ayes are viewed as a harbinger of evil and often killed on sight. Some believe if an aye-aye points its long middle finger at you, you are condemned to death. Others believe the appearance of an aye-aye in a village predicts the death of a villager. Finally, some people go so far as to claim aye-ayes sneak into houses through the thatched roofs and murder the sleeping occupants by using their middle finger to puncture the victim's aorta.

Congratulations Kendra and Tommy!

Dancing with Cats

"When you start, don't crowd your cat. Sit near it, but don't try to get its attention. Just be with it. Try to feel your being next to its being. Focus on it softly." Jane Mander, Berkeley CA

"With my Siamese, Ferdinand, I got him started by just cradling him in my arms and moving slowly about to the music. Once he began to purr I'd hold him by his front legs and let his back paws down on top of by shoes. Then as I moved, he moved in perfect time. At first he only wanted to do it for a minute, but gradually we've extended the time up to 9 minutes and now he'll dance unsupported for nearly 30 seconds." Sabina Pracht, Cologne, France

"I used a very simple technique to get my cat dancing with me. I'd lie with it on my tummy and begin stroking it slowly while playing one of the long slow tracks on the 'Dancing with Cats' album by David Parsons. Minky would purr loudly and sink her claws into my thick woolen jersey. I'd purr in time with her and then, with her still attached to my jersey I'd slowly roll onto my side and stand up halfway and lean forward so that she sort of hung by her front paws from my jersey with her back feet just touching the ground. Then, without supporting her at all, I'd sway from side to side to the music and she would just swing along until her claws couldn't take any more. Now when I put the music on she'll come running over, put her front paws up on me and sway in time with the music. It's fantastically soothing." Justine Brown, Manchester UK

"Is it just me or are you guys getting turned on?" Linda, San Francisco CA

Wine Away

Wine Away looks like infomercial bullshit, right? WRONG.

It sat in the kitchen at a party last weekend. I scoffed, picked it up, waved it around, and made everybody agree it was a fake product from a Saturday Night Live commercial. Hahahahaha I'm so funny.

Almost immediately after mocking the Wine Away, I spilled red wine all down the front of my light-colored blouse. Amy grabbed the Wine Away and spritzed the shit out me. The wine stains just disappeared. I looked down and a puddle was also rapidly disappearing. It's like The Langoliers of stains.

Bear Spottin'

This morning Edith Zimmerman posted the following, and it cracked me up:

"When seeing a dog-sized animal in Prospect Park, my first thought should probably not be 'bear,' but yesterday I almost saw a bear. It was in one of those dark side areas, off the beaten path, shadowy and filled with trash. There was a rustling and then I saw this thing in the bushes. It was a giant ball of nasty grayish fur, really disgusting, and I couldn’t tell which side was its face because it was just this awful, weird rectangle. Actually my first thought was 'monster,' and then I reasoned myself down to 'bear,' and then I paid closer attention and it was just a gross dog. The end!"

Then, at lunch, my co-worker described the following awkward conversation:

Co-worker: I ate at Chaya last night.
Partner: Was it good?
Co-worker: Yeah. It was. I saw one of my old professors and he was -
Partner: You don't camp, do you?
Co-worker: What?
Partner: .....
Co-worker: .....
Partner: Because you'd be great at spotting bears.

Squirrel on a Rampage

BERLIN - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with a crutch.

The squirrel first ran into a house in the southern town of Passau, leapt from behind onto a 70-year-old woman, and sank its teeth into her hand, a local policeman said on Thursday.

With the squirrel still hanging from her hand, the woman ran onto the street in panic, where she managed to shake it off.

The animal then entered a building site and jumped onto a construction worker, injuring him in the hand and arm before he managed to shake it off with a measuring pole.

"After that, the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand, and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch."

The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the squirrel was ill.

(This is totally a story for Germany or Florida?)

Why I like my running buddy

Text communication just now:

Linda: Tomorrow?

Katie: Uh...I am accidentally high from a brownie...probably not.

Riding in cabs

There is something funny about riding in a cab alone. When I'm a backseat cab passenger sitting on the side next to the curb and we pull up near people, I always feel totally awkward. I think this is because it looks really silly to me sometimes when other people scoot around alone in the back of cabs. I don't know what it is but it makes me giggle.

Scooting on Segways

Actually I do know what makes me giggle about people riding around in cabs. It's the posture. People being transported with upright eager posture it is funny. Segways for example. People scooting on Segways is one of the best visual images ever.

When Magda was here in February we meant to do a Segway tour of San Francisco and make a photo montage. Getting chowder bread bowls, gesturing to butchers at Fisherman's Wharf, and scooting up Alamo Square with the skyline in the background (Full House-style). You know, things real San Franciscans do.

Gay Gym

In another lifetime, I was a common guest at the Jo-Tel. At one point I took a pretty fantastic picture that was posted by its subjects (straight frat dudes) on flickr. This morning Magda informed us it was used by Gawker to illustrate a post about how Anderson Cooper goes to the gayest gym in Manhattan. The post is called "Understanding the Gays: What's the Gayest Gym in New York?" Click it and see my art.

PS: In my defense I dated none of the featured gentlemen. Especially not the land pirate.

Tunafish

The word "tunafish" grosses me out. I don't understand why people insist on saying "tunafish sandwich." It's already embarrassing enough to order a "tuna sandwich," why go and enunciate the whole "tunafish"? Yuck.

Normally I cringe when I hear tunafish. But today watching an interview with the National Spelling Bee Champion, I was already cringing hardcore at his extreme social retardation. So when she said "You like to eat a Subway tunafish sub before every competition?" and holds one up on screen I just laughed out loud.



Also regarding tunafish, we were little bitches in high school and often said "tunafish" when referring to popular girls we thought slutty. Recently looking through an old yearbook I saw Kendra had written "I didn't order a tunafish sandwich!" near a picture of three such girls.

El Cajon, CA

Karl's Corner really highlighted why I dislike my hometown of El Cajon, CA.

The strip malls, tract homes, stucco, weeds, smog, oppressive heat, and general depressing suburban brownness tainted my feelings toward the entirety of San Diego County such that I wanted to flee to the Pacific Northwest for as long as I can remember. I craved mist, grass, evergreens, climbing vines, shingled houses, rainy mornings, and cuddliness. In the last few years I've realized there are cool parts of San Diego, but still this passage from Sleepless Nights hit home (she moved from Kentucky to New York):

"It is not true that it doesn't matter where you live, that you are in Hartford or Dallas merely yourself. Also it is not true that all are linked naturally to their regions. Many are flung down carelessly at birth and they experience the diminishment and sometimes the pleasant truculence of their random misplacement. Americans who are Germans, Germans who are Frenchman, like Heine perhaps.

The stain of place hangs on not as a birthright but as a sort of artifice, a bit of cosmetic. I place myself among the imports, those jarring and jarred pieces that sit in the closet among the matching china sets. I have no relations that I know of born outside the South and hardly any living outside it even today. Nevertheless I am afraid of the country night and its honest slumbers, uneasy even in the daylight with 'original settlers' and old American stock. The highway, the asphalt paths, the thieves, the contaminated skies like a suffocating cloak of mangy fur, the millions in their boroughs - this is truly home."

Karl's Corner

"Melissa took this picture two weeks ago as we were driving through El Cajon, headed east on Washington Avenue from a taco shop back to mom and dad's house. We saw the sloppy, sunburned asshalf and knew immediately it was imperative to slow down and get a good picture. But, after unloading the pix from the camera yesterday, I discovered that what I originally thought was a Mountain Dew turned out not to be a Mountain Dew at all, effectively making the image about 420 times funnier."

Failure is No Option

The awesome Michael Cera video posted below is a parody of this video featuring Aleksy Vaynor (Yale grad, douchebag extraordinaire) applying for ABS AG (global financial services company, Swiss-based).

Also features a Hans Zimmer soundtrack (Rain Man, The Thin Red Line, Spanglish).

Dressings of the '80s.

• Catalina
• French
• Thousand Island
• Russian

You've probably wondered many many times in your life: These dressings, so popular in the '80s, how are they different and how are they similar? Let Linda tell you.

Catalina. Same as French dressing, but plain oil is often used instead of mayonnaise.

French. Totally American and not French at all. Contains sugar and ketchup. People in some parts of the South pour French dressing on pizza. Midwestern folklore has it the name stems from its invention by the wife of Lucius French. French's intense aversion to vegetables brought him to the brink of scurvy several times; his wife supposedly created the tangy, unconventional dressing as a means of coaxing the bellicose French to consume salads. Similar to Russian except more ketchup and less mayonnaise.

Russian. Orange in color, it is commonly made of mayonnaise or yogurt with ketchup, horseradish, pimentos, chives, and/or other spices. It ws named at a time when the ingredients typically included caviar, a food often thought of as Russian. In the 50s, it was known as "commie sauce" (then what's vodka?).

Thousand Island. Pink in color, it is commonly made of mayonnaise, ketchup, and a mixture of finely chopped vegetables, most often pickles, onions, bell peppers, and/or green olives. It is used on ruebens as well as in fast-food chains. Pizza Huts in Hong Kong use Thousand Island instead of tomato sauce. Kraft "sandwich spread" is simply thicker Thousand Island. Created as more of a commercial version of Russian for restaurants and bottling companies. Some argue the name comes from the many little pieces of pickle or relish.

A paragraph on Thousand Island obviously isn't complete without a quick mention of "special sauce", "fry sauce," or "salad cream." Not salad dressings but sauces, these items are some combination of those old American standbys: ketchup and mayonnaise. Special sauce is often used on burgers. Fry sauce is found in fast-food chains in Utah. Salad cream is the UK's gross version of salad dressing.

Mom's Corner

"Here's a photo of the pheasant walking around our neighborhood. Two evenings ago it walked right along our fence on the fairway side. I couldn't get my camera in time before it left, however. Its back is even browner than this photo which makes the ring and colored head more impressive. Apparently it's safely roosting in the trees at night since the coyotes haven't caught it yet...amazing. It's fun hearing it all day long."

Knocked Up

Why did I not realize that "Knocked Up" is a comedy extravaganza?

I read reviews on Slate and then Lindsayism and now I want to see it. Like: Right Now. Who knew it was actually really funny? How did I miss that it was written, directed, and produced by Judd Apatow? I had just been reading everything I could find about this man who is involved with some of my most favorite things ever (Freaks and Geeks, Anchorman, 40 Year Old Virgin, Talladega Nights) and who appears to have the coolest little set of friends (including but not limited to Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, Seth Rogan, and Will Ferrell)!

You know what I think it was? I think I confused "Knocked Up" with "License to Wed," that movie with the preview that disappoints me every time because it starts out with my boyfriend John Krasinski and Mandy Moore starring in a RomCom and then devolves into some sort of Nutty Professor-esque thing with what appears to be BABIES OF THE CLAYMATION OR ROBOT VARIETIES.

But anyway here are some fun Judd Apatow links I found when I was stalking him:

Village Voice on geek fantasies come true
Interview with Wired
Random Q&A
Fake cut of Michael Cera being fired from Knocked Up
Slate Journal

Mac and Me

Speaking of Judd Apatow's comedy troupe, Paul Rudd has a running gag on Late Night with Conan O'Brien where instead of a clip from whatever movie he's promoting, he plays a clip from the 1988 movie Mac and Me, where the main character is seen rolling off a cliff in a wheelchair.

HAHAHAHAHA. Mac and Me! So awesome.

Michael Cera

And speaking of Michael Cera, here's another awesome video "Impossible is the Opposite of Possible" (and check out his website Clark and Michael).

Horses get periods.

At Golden Gate Fields yesterday, one of the hot topics was "Do female horses race? Do they get periods? If so what happens?" With my powers of internet research I found an informative Q&A:

Question: My mare has been in heat the past week and it was brought to my attention that in the past few days some blood has been coming out her vagina. Its this common or something to worry about?

Answer: Most mares do bleed a little bit during their heat cycles. It usually goes unnoticed due to fur color and such. I am guessing you have a very light colored horse, or her vaginal area is very light with pink skin. You can definately notice blood on my cremello mare when she comes into season. I wouldn't worry too much about it, but if she continues to bleed past her cycle, or seems to be bleeding in excess then I would call the vet out to double check. Also, if she will let you, wash her up back there every other day or so with a warm rag. I hope this helps, please let me know if you have other questions or concerns, and I will do the best I can to address them.

Land Pirates

A few years ago Annie and I went to Costa Rica, and we stayed away from the Caribbean side because of rumored "land pirates." We thought the phrase was funny but otherwise didn't think much of it. But when I told Jeff and Brendan about the land pirates last weekend, they asked a good question: "What's a land pirate?"

I didn't have an answer! In my head they were just regular robbers but with tattered clothes and maybe an eyepatch. Like when the pirate industry collapsed they turned to pickpocketing. Why did I not realize that made no sense?

I posed my land pirate question to several people. Brendan and Dan both think it's a type of highwayman. I don't think land pirates are highwaymen because there are no stagecoaches or British muskets in Costa Rica (plus - bad joke alert - Kris Kristofferson, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and Johnny Cash are too classy for that). Dan also added it could be a swashbuckler. That's not quite right either because a swashbuckler is basically a good guy, right? Like a jolly wit who wields the sword of justice? Also Costa Rica is too hot for the stirrup pants and boots of the highwayman or the swashbuckler.

I conclude land pirates are just robbers with awesome names. Pirates aren't totally anachronistic! Pirates are still around. This Wikipedia article lists a handful of interesting modern victims, including the murder of an environmentalist and yachtsman by Brazilian pirates in 2001 and an attack on an American yacht off Somalia in 2005.

And pirates if you're reading this, check out 826 Valencia in San Francisco. Maybe also give Colin Meloy a call with some new material.

I heart Sarah Silverman

While hosting the MTV movie awards tonight, Sarah told the following joke (with Paris Hilton in the audience):

"Paris Hilton goes to jail in a few days. She's receiving some special treatments. I heard they're painting the bars of her cell to look like penises. I hope she doesn't crack a tooth."

Far and Away

A new couple moved in downstairs today. They seemed young and cool. I pictured inviting them to our next party, having beers on the deck, and laughing about this or that.

That dream just died. You know why?

Enya's "Far and Away" has been playing on repeat for the last half an hour. Loudly.

You could say it's a habit.

Throughout my life I've seen nuns everywhere. In public. Randomly. Walking on the street, riding in cars, getting ice cream...

What does this MEAN? I turned to a dream dictionary, which said:

"For a woman to dream of nuns, foretells her widowhood, or her separation from her lover. If she dreams that she is a nun, it portends her discontentment with present environments. To see a dead nun, signifies despair over the unfaithfulness of loved ones, and impoverished fortune. For one to dream that she discards the robes of her order, foretells that longing for worldly pleasures will unfit her for her chosen duties."

Hold on. WHO DREAMS OF DEAD NUNS?

Germany or Florida?

There's a game on the Adam Carolla show I really enjoy. [FN1]

Germany or Florida originated from Adam's theory that all extremely strange stories come from either Germany or Florida. To play the game, you hear a story and guess the associated place.

Stories include things such as "A bank robber was caught when he tried to swim away with electronics" (Florida) or "During an airport search, a man's suitcase contained a midget and sex toys" (Germany). My rule of thumb is "white trash = Florida" and "bizarre sex = Germany." It works pretty well unless it's a drunk story, in which case all bets are off.

Recently I encountered two stories I thought perfect for Germany or Florida and then - guess what - they were both from Germany or Florida and they both involve drunks!! Take a stab:

(1) Drunk man stays overnight inside a bank...with a horse.

(2) Man receives DUI...in a wheelchair.

Answers found in the links obviously.

FN1: Why are people so surprised when I mention listening to Adam Carolla. I enjoy Adam and I enjoy Theresa and I even enjoy making disgusted faces and yelling at Danny Bonaduce. Maybe this should be another post completely. In that post I could discuss how I want to be friends with Adam, his wife, Jimmy Kimmel, and Sarah Silverman. Oh yeah this is definitely another post.