Happy New Year!

Tonight I am cabin-bound and will be internet-less, so Premature Happy New Year!


May nobody say "quaff" in your presence.

The Pink

It struck me today that Maria Bamford and Rachel McAdams look alike (and so cute!) with pink-streaked blonde hair. I am also pale and blonde. Too bad I have neither the balls nor profession for it.

Overheard on BART.

Person 1: I loved being off yesterday! I was at my brother's and he has cable.

Person 2: I love cable.

Person 1: It was so great. I planned to watch Oprah, but it was "Deal or No Deal" with Howie Mandel, so I watched Ellen.

Person 2: I like Ellen.

Person 1: I have never laughed so hard in my life! She had these Japanese contortionists on, their skill is they fit into weird spaces, so she had a big wall coming at them with weird shapes and they had to twist quickly to avoid getting smashed.

Person 2: So it was, like, just physical comedy?

Mom's Corner

"did you mean to leave the two old yucky golf club socks in your bedroom? where did they come from? i just noticed that you left an 'enrique' cd on the dresser too. should we bring it with us in february?"

There is a context for me having those items, but the quote is much funnier without it. Oh and here's a picture of my dad "boxing" the dog on Christmas:

My Dinner with Antrophagus

From a March 6, 2001 transcript of an online chat between Bernd-Jurgen Brandes (cator99) and Armin Meiwes (antrophagus), included in Interview with a Cannibal: The Secret Life of the Cannibal from Rotenburg, by Gunter Stampf, published in Germany last fall. Brandes responded to an online advertisement Meiwes posted stating that he was seeking "a well-built man, 18-30, who would like to be eaten by me." Meiwes videotaped himself slaughtering Brandes a few days later. He confessed to the act and was convicted of manslaughter in 2004. The ruling was overturned in 2006 on the grounds that the sentence of eight and a half years was too lenient. Meiwes was retried, convicted of murder, and resentenced to life imprisonment.

CATOR99: Hallllooooo????

ANTROPHAGUS: Hi, Cator, what do you do professionally, that you are up so late at night?

CATOR99: I can't sleep well anymore because of our meeting

ANTROPHAGUS: That's a sensible reason. Yesterday I was incredibly tired, it was a stressful day

CATOR99: I'm in telecommunications

ANTROPHAGUS: Oh, that sounds interesting

CATOR99: I believe you

ANTROPHAGUS: I'm looking forward to our meeting, it will definitely be really cool

CATOR99: I want it to be! I hope it'll be really cool. Are you setting an alarm clock?????

ANTROPHAGUS: It's only a few days until March 9

CATOR99: Still, I would have rather met you yesterday and felt your touch

ANTROPHAGUS: One can't have everything. There's still some time before you really feel my teeth

CATOR99: I hardly know what to expect. Have you slaughtered a man before?

ANTROPHAGUS: Unfortunately, only in my dreams, but in my thoughts I do it every night

CATOR99: So I'm the first? You have eaten human flesh before, or you haven't?

ANTROPHAGUS: No, you don't exactly find it in the supermarket, unfortunately

CATOR99: How do you know if it will taste good to you, or that the blood won't make you sick?

ANTROPHAGUS: I'm readying myself with my dreams. Once I was so excited I grabbed a needle and drew my own blood so I could drink it.

CATOR99: And your blood, it tasted good to you?

ANTROPHAGUS: It was quite tasty. Once I was drilling some holes and the drill slipped right inside my hand, that was a real treat. Blood is the juice of life. It contains everything a person needs for nutrition

CATOR99: Then I hope you won't wilt, that you can really see it through without a problem

ANTROPHAGUS: To bite into your penis will certainly not be easy -- living flesh is somewhat more resistant than fried -- but one thing is certain: our dreams will be fulfilled

CATOR99: But there's no so much in it as there is in muscle

ANTROPHAGUS: Yeah, but the penis is principally a spongy material filled with blood

CATOR99: For both our sakes, I hope that's true. I hope you have also already throught about what's to be done with the rest. Fulfilling the dream shouldn't become a nightmare for you. No one will know where I've disappeared to.

ANTROPHAGUS: After you're dead, I'll take you out and expertly carve you up. Except for a pair of knees and some fleshy trash (skin, cartilage, tendons), there won't be much of you left

CATOR99: There will be a good bit, like the knees, I hope you have a good hiding place for them

ANTROPHAGUS: I'll dry out the knees and grind them up soon after

CATOR99: Okay, they're good as fertilizer, I heard that once. I see you've thought about it. Good! Sounds like I'm the first

ANTROPHAGUS: And you won't be the last, hopefully. I've already considered catching a young person from the street, but I would rather kill only those who want to be killed

CATOR99: That also doesn't sound bad. But yeah, seeing as it's not so totally legal, this is in my eyes better than yanking somebody directly off the street

ANTROPHAGUS: Exactly, I'd to it, if it were legal

Adventures in Cell Phones

Part I

I received a text from an unknown number on Christmas. It was a DC area code and I only know a few people there. What follows is a fascinating play-by-play account of my text interaction with the stranger.

Unknown: Merry Christmas! Hope yours is filled with love and abundance.

Linda: Who sent me that Christmas text about abundance? I don't know the number. Sophia?

Unknown: Marissa!

Linda: Oh, sorry! You sounded like my more hippie friend with the abundance stuff. How are you?!?

Part II

The mystery Christmas texter reminded me of a text I received a few months back with a Silicon Valley area code. Observe:

Unknown: I am texting anonymously because this could be embarrassing. There is something about you everybody notices except you. Do you want to know what it is?

Linda: (Kinda freaking out) Okay....I'll bite. What?

Unknown: (Never responded)

In Memoriam

When I flip radio channels and I hear songs by the same artist on at the same time, I think the artist has died and all the channels are playing their songs in tribute. This morning it was Landslide on one channel and Gypsy on another, and my uncaffeinated brain was like: STEVIE NICKS MUST HAVE DIED!

The Circle of Life

I had a shitty day on Sunday. It was filled with obsessive thoughts on relationships and truth and manipulation and vulnerability and self preservation. By Sunday evening I was like "yeah, I'm gonna kick my feet up and watch some tv, awesome, Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel, this will be so relaxing."

Haha NO. This metaphor attacked my eyes and ears.



Thankfully it was followed by dainty baboon walking (aka: the cutest thing ever).

Straight Outta Cockpit

I had roommate holiday dinner, and I prepartied alone, so I'm tired and you get a video. If there was a god I would be eating burgers in a Eugene restaurant named "High Street Pub" (!) with these people.

Michelle Obama

I've been meaning to blog about Michelle Obama for a while. Jezebel ran an interesting article today that was just the inspiration I needed.

The author mentions seeing Michelle stand next to Barack and Oprah and feeling that her presence as an "unplasticized, uncontoured, undeniably black wife" is revolutionary to women of color who--like herself--are bombarded by Caucasian ideals of beauty. She praises the way Michelle bucks the trend of successful black man having lighter skinned wives as trophies.


Damn right Michelle is no trophy. See that picture above? I love it. I don't know how great it must feel to have a woman that looks like you about to be half a groundbreaking presidential couple. But as a woman I respond strongly to her fierce confidence and wit and intellect and power. Here are some things that make me love her:

She is his equal. She sometimes gripes about the fact that Barack "leaves out the butter" and is "just a man." Oh, Barack's a man alright. My ovaries have noticed. But I understand she still expects him to make their family a priority and participate in the household. That she never plays the deferential wife makes them both awesome.

She is smart. She went to Harvard Law School and until recently, served as Vice President of Community and Medical Affairs at the University of Chicago Medical Center. South Side activists praise her program for moving low-income patients from the emergency room into primary care elsewhere.

She is sassy. She may or may not have joked to Salon that Barack gets "morning wood."

She's a cool mom. She once took her daughters on a scary amusement park ride and now they don't trust her judgment. She's also been quoted saying her daughters jump into bed with her some morning and they talk about stuff like, you know, menstuation and what kind of dog the family should get.

She is funny. The Salon article says: "Talk turns to the quality of the Hardee's. This is a Mc-Donald's loyal group, but everyone is impressed. They like the curly fries; they like the table service; they like the Hawaiian chicken sandwich. Michelle surveys the table and hoists her eyebrows to dry perfection, appraising her charges-slash-baby sitters with unhidden amusement, and says 'In summary, I think we can safety say that we are all very pleased with our Hardee's experience.'"

She is hot. Look at the picture! She can rock a coral halter dress and still look badass. She seems to have sensuality and humor to spare and I bet she can crush asshole conservatives with one wry arch of that eyebrow.

That would be sick nasty.

My brother Hot Karl received the following email from somebody who appears to have our last name to another person who appears to have our last name (likely Kristen?). I don't know this dude but he sure knows how to party


---- Forwarded Message ----

From: "j[linda's last name]@UDel.Edu"
To: k[linda's last name]@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, December 7, 2007 10:46:25 PM
Subject: (none)

hey kristen here we go...

snow tubing!

we should get a cabin for a weekend, and go snowboarding or something!

that would be sick nasty

bwb (pool) ocean city

can you get mom and dade to go out of town?

bp tournament (you and sam vs. me and ____ )

bowling (cosmic!!)

bars

go see the winter light show!

get me a tattoo

make plans for my birthday!

mer i cant think of anymore

ill get more later

peace!



***************************


PS: Happy Birthday Hot Karl!

Twenty-First-Century Computing, as Explained by My Mother

the Internet: "Where people mess around with words."

e-mail: "A way of communicating with people. You plug in and go for it."

website: "Where you post information about a topic. Any topic. It could be anything. Therein lies the freedom."

firewall: "It must block something. On the computer. It's something you can't get beyond, no matter how hard you try."

Adobe Acrobat: "You made that one up."

virus: "You have anti-virus protection on your computer. It protects against bogey people—like, bogey-bogey. It's really important. This scares me."

Firefox: "Definitely something to do with firewalls."

RAM: "The capacity of a computer ... program. I think. Why don't you just tell me? You're mean."

MP3: "Pass."

(By Pasha Malla for McSweeney's)

Hermit Crabs

You know what are weird? Hermit crabs. I'm bothered by the idea of them without shells the same way I'm bothered by a moray eel come loose from its rocks. With the hermit crab, however, the nakedness seems vulnerable and not aggressive. I've given this a lot of thought you guys.



Who wants hermit crab fun facts?!?

• The habit of living in a second hand shell is what gave rise to the popular name "hermit crab," which is a reference to the idea of a hermit living alone in a small cave. (Duh.)


• Hermit crabs live in the wild in colonies of 100 or more, and do not thrive in smaller numbers.


• A hermit crab with a shell which is too small cannot grow as fast as hermit crabs with well-fitting shells, and is more likely to be eaten.


• The reproductive organs of hermit crabs are located near and just below the crab’s heart and open to the outside at the base of the last pair of walking legs in the male.


• The life span of the hermit crab in the wild is up to 30 years.

Oh, Vice!

I always love the Vice Do's and Don'ts, but this one is postworthy.

Old man + tiny squirrel + smirk + Member's Only vest = enjoyment. I don't like the caption because I'm not a 12-year-old boy or Sarah Silverman, but the picture alone is fantastic.

Don't: If you feel a huge peanut fart coming on at least get out of the park.

Wild Oats

Cat with jar on its head survives sticky situation
Feral cat named Wild Oats freed of peanut butter jar after 19 days

BARTLETT, Tenn. - A feral cat survived for 19 days with a jar stuck on its head.

Tabitha Cain has fed the cat, which she calls Wild Oats, for several years. The family saw the cat several times with the peanut butter jar on its head and tried in vain to catch it. But after not seeing the cat for a week, the Cains feared the worst.

"I thought she was going to die with that jar on her head," said Tabitha Cain, 25.

They found the once chubby cat on Wednesday, too thin and weak to flee. They caught her with a fishing net and used some oil to get the jar off her head.

They gave her water and treated her wounds and on Friday she began to eat again.

"I've heard of cats having nine lives but I think this one has 19 because she survived 19 days," said Doretha Cain, Tabitha's mother.

Memphis veterinarian Gerald Blackburn said he has heard similar stories of pets getting trapped for days or even weeks at a time and surviving. Blackburn said the cat may have lived off of its excess fat.

The end.

I talk to squirrels.

Funny Patton Oswalt "Woods Murderer." The video is funny enough, but the YouTube comments are the best part:

(1) visiongoober: 911

(2) battlehappy: thank you for posting this! oh, patton oswalt. you really are short bus special.

(3) vortex007: I LOVE KING OF QUEENS

(4) franjiej514: lol thanks your awesome

Overheard at the Office Holiday Party

"The dance floor looks like a Cialis commercial."

Shimmy

When I hear the word "shimmy" I'm both entertained and grossed out. So when I saw this picture and caption last week I stared at it for several minutes of delighted squirming.

75-year-old tap-dancer shimmies his way across Golden Gate Bridge. Michael Grbich enjoyed his 1.7-mile dance across the Golden Gate Bridge, even bringing his own music and jump rope. The Oakland resident celebrated his 75th birthday Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007, by tap dancing across the Golden Gate Bridge and was joined by relatives and friends as he danced across the foggy span.

PS: I love the portable iPod deck in the upper right corner, very Darjeeling Limited.