I found an article the other day with tips for dudes attending summer weddings. My comments are found below in italics.
1. Giving . Don't bring a gift to the reception unless it's signed by the Secretary of the Treasury. Mail it before the event or up to a year afterward, says Carley Roney, co-founder of TheKnot.com, a wedding Web site. Wandering through Crate & Barrel will tempt you to rekindle your frat days. Resist. (Unless, of course, musk incense sticks and a kegarator are on the couple's registry.) Instead, scour the registry for something you can attach personal meaning to, then explain in a simple card why you bought it. When in doubt, give cash.
(i) Signed by the Secretary of the Treasury? I don't know what that means. Are you implying weddings have thieves? Like wedding pirates? Please tell me more. (ii) Fraternity dudes LOVE the tasteful furnishings of Crate & Barrel. (iii) Intra-generational cash gifting seems awkward.
2. Toasting. The ideal speech lasts 3 minutes or less. Segue from humorous, PG-rated stories into tender moments. "Now that's what I call love," or "And yet, she still said yes." Remember, it's not a roast or a bachelor party. Keep it clean. "Don't say anything you wouldn't be comfortable whispering into the bride's mother's ear," says Roney.
Wait that's kinda hot at the end there. I would whisper so much shit into the bride's mother's ear it's not even funny. Then I would nibble on it.
3. Dressing. An ill-fitting rental tux will conjure up images of the junior prom. The classic choice is a single-breasted peak-lapel jacket paired with a French-cuff shirt, says Kevin Harter, vice president of men's fashion at Bloomingdale's. Your shirtsleeves should reach the base of your wristbone, with a quarter inch of cuff showing. More nuptials in the offing? Buy your own tux and have it tailored. Wear it five times and it pays for itself.
Yeah don't be a classless asshole and wear a rented tuxedo like everybody else in the history of the world ever. [FN1]
4. Singing. Don't. This is the most important day of your friend's life, it's not karaoke night at Bennigan's.
Bennigans! For all your 80's-franchised Irish-themed mid-ranged casual-dining fern-bar eating needs! References to Bennigans will likely jump the shark soon, but not before Corporate Casual delights you with one.
5. Dancing. It's your best chance of wooing a bridesmaid, so ease on out there, Astaire. If your proficiency peaked in junior high, embrace slow songs or ones that revolve around jumping ("Shout"), simple hand movements ("YMCA"), headbanging ("You Shook Me All Night Long"), and hand grabbing ("We Are Family"), suggests Craig Michaels, author of Thirty to Wife: The Tell-All Groom's Guide to Weddings. And know your own limitations. "Never slide across the dance floor like you're stealing third," he says.
Sometimes they just write themselves: "[E]mbrace slow songs or ones that revolve around jumping ("Shout"), simple hand movements ("YMCA"), headbanging ("You Shook Me All Night Long"), and hand grabbing ("We Are Family")."
6. Mingling. Weddings make women feel romantic, not slutty. "They're looking for long-term potential, not just a quick score," says Roney. Entice them by delivering a toast at the rehearsal dinner or reception. "If you're gracious and funny, women will approach you after," says Michaels. And remember: No woman can resist a man who's willing to slow-dance to Sinatra.
I love that this section is titled Mingling. Maybe the previous section should've been called "Use of Dance Cards," and the next section called "Sitting for Painted Portraits." But seriously, Roney, have you met any real women lately? I received several bachelorette party emails in the last few days referring to blow jobs and TMJ. (Shout out Mama and Sara P).
7. Posing. Put down your drink for photographs or risk being immortalized as a lush, says Tom Haibeck, author of Wedding Toasts Made Easy.
Whoa, whoa, Tom, don't overgeneralize here. Champagne toasts are pretty! Men holding scotches are hot! Don't take this away from me.
8. Drinking. Nothing kills the amorous vibe quicker than belligerence, so pace yourself until the cake is cut. "At that point, the important pictures have been taken and the older folks are leaving," says Roney.
Please feel free to kill the amorous vibe after the old people leave.
[FN1] Except Thrill, a true southern gentleman. PS: Where is my case of Tabasco?
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9 comments:
that first one means cash
CA$H MONEY CUZ IT'S RUDE OTHER THAN TO DO IT THAT WAY AT A RECEPTION, OTHERWISE MAIL IT BEFORE HAND OR AFTERWARDS BUT NOT DURING
"Weddings make women feel romantic"? how do you know that weddings don't make me feel irritated and annoyed by men who write and read these articles?
How can you be irritated when you're slow dancing with a tuxedo-clad stranger while dreaming about your own fairy tale wedding and monogrammed linens? You are unfeminine.
Slow dancing TO SINATRA.
Now you're woozy, right?
Can a Jo-Telier please comment with that story about a golf cart? And The Puma? That seems fitting for the "Drinking" section.
Seriously, I'm glad I haven't been to any of the boring-ass weddings that this nob attended while researching this article. At most weddings I've been to the only people who wear tuxedos are in the wedding party. And they all rent them so that they'll match. And they are tailored/adjusted to fit you. And people generally look pretty good in tuxedos. This guy writes like my mom thinks in her most paranoid moments, imagining that since I used to get wasted and run from police in parks that I will probably get wasted and have to run from the police at any given event where our elderly relatives will be there to judge her. No, you shouldn't sing at a wedding unless you are a good singer, or it will be funny. Dancing is fun, and dancing at weddings is funnest, because people are happy and they always play "Get Low" and the old people don't even know what the song is about, but they think it's great because all the young people are having such a great time, which is really what the song is about for us, too. Also, there is the 10-year-old MTV-watching freak dancer to keep you entertained while you're taking a wine break.
Linda, thanks for the shout-out/props. Your case of Tabasco was inadvertently opened by my Chipotle Tabasco-swilling office (I'm serious), and I have yet to buy you a new one. But a promise is a promise!
I would tell that story, but I wasn't at that wedding.
At Wolf's wedding we met beforehand at Patttttt & Waller's motel and drank most of a bottle of jack daniels between seven of us. Then we all rode in a small car over to St. Mary's where the wedding was to take place in the lovely cathedral there. On pulling into the parking lot we saw a hand-made sign taped to a pole that said "Negro's wedding" with an arrow pointing to the left. This was more than we could calmly process and quickly led to somebody jumping out and absconding with the sign. Of course, we only drove another 40 ft. before parking and getting out. While we were taking a group picture with the incongruous piece of cardboard, an elderly couple walking by started scolding us harshly en espanol. It turns out that Negro was the name of the groom in the wedding preceding Wolf's. We should have been tipped off by the Cuban flag drawn on it.
Anyway, our entire pew at the wedding smelled like whiskey. The reception was at a country club. The organizers had wisely seated us at the far end of the dining room from the action. This didn't stop Patttttt from relentlessly hitting on our server throughout dinner. When the best man stood up to give his speech, Patttttt was kind enough to punctuate from 50 ft away with a heartfelt "True That!" every couple of paragraphs. Also, before the reception had begun, Shark had served as cameraman for about 15 takes of Patttttt reenacting the scene from The Lord of the Rings when one of the characters bursts through the giant double doors of the country club. Later, Patttttt & Jordache Basics were stopped by the groundskeeper who was upset with them for having stolen a golf cart and driven it all over the course. Patttttt somehow made it back inside, but Basics had to escape into the bush. Patttttt didn't last long though, as he was soon kicked out personally by the wedding planner, who stayed outside with him to make sure he didn't go back in. Naturally, he was forced to pee in a planter near the front door.
Finally, PETE, Shark, Katon and I left. Piling into the car we were about to drive away when a desperate-looking Jordache Basics materialized out of the underbrush in front of us and begged us for a ride. We were happy to help, and as we drove out of the lot we started making plans for the rest of our night back in the city. Basics, appalled at the thought of being away from Patttttt and Waller for an entire evening, forced us to let him out on a random freeway onramp near St. Mary's. We later found out that he had walked back a mile or two to Patttttt & Waller's motel, and not having a key, had busted out the screen on one of the outside windows to gain entry to the room, where he waited for the pair until they arrived.
After several performances like this, is it any wonder that Patttttt didn't invite any of us to his own wedding when the axe finally came down?
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