Memphian Delights

I tried hard to find funny stories during my trip to the Southland. Unfortunately the people were not as obese as I'd hoped, plus they were incredibly nice and race relations seemed to have a bonding-of-proximity totally lacking here in lilly white San Francisco. Thanks for not conforming to my stereotypes, assholes.

But the motel was awesome. You will recall our hotel troubles and Red Roof Inn reservations. It ended up being fine even though it could've been Anywhere, USA and we slept under thin floral bedspreads with flourescent lighting. All of my front desk encounters were great.

On the day we arrived, the front desk lady was a large white woman with a gold-plated grill. She did not enjoy helping customers. At all. I walked up to her and opened my mouth as if to speak. She arched her eyebrows, placed one index finger in the air, and mouthed for me to "hold on". She was busy telling somebody on the line how to defrost chicken breasts. The ones from the freezer. Just pull em out and put em in the microwave. Like a few minutes. Until they warm. Then bread em and just fry em up. She'll be home when she gets home.

Our key cards said "Room Service? Call Domino's!!!" in an awesome party font printed diagonally (which is totally the way to convey fun!!!). Anyway. One night we arrived home and wanted pizza. Kristen called Domino's. Nope. Closed at 2:00. Kristen called Papa John's. Nope. Closed at 2:00. We debated whether the motel had any food other than the soda vending machines. I called the front desk and very drunkenly and seriously asked whether "this hotel has any food items that are not soda pop." This night attendant, bless her heart, answered with equal seriousness "we have fruit punch...and Lipton tea."

Oh and on the morning I left I wanted to use the one computer in the lobby. First I had to wait for the front desk attendant to get off it. Then I had to move her half-eaten danish OFF THE KEYBOARD.

Funny snippets of conversations involving animals.

Karl: (By way of initially greeting Linda, picks up a small cat and places it upon Linda's head) "This is Rupee. She's the coolest of our animals."

Melissa: "Rupee's butthole always looks weird."

Karl: "Before we leave for dinner, let's look at the ferrets at Petco."

Linda: "Oh fuck. Moray eels are totally weird. Their faces! Next year I'm gonna be a morey eel for Halloween, and the entire costume will be the rocks, including over my head, and then my face will just be a moray eel mask popping out of a small cavern." [FN1]



[FN1] Subsequent thoughts: Can a moray eel come loose from its rocks? What do their bodies even look like? How fast can they go? I fear I'm asking question to which I want no answers.

Mom's Corner

(1) October 31, 2007: "Happy Halloween! You've been mooned!"




(2) November 6, 2007: "Maggie and I are leaving now to do a couple errands together...getting a fido shocker to keep her away from new plants along the fenceline (one shock will probably do it) and to get Gretyl some adult cat food at Petco...I took Gretyl into the vet this morning since her backend seemed sensitive to touch. I wasn't sure if it was a hip issue or a skin issue...it was a severe skin issue so a healthier diet will help her feel better. The vet had to sedate her in order to bathe her, but Gretyl will feel really good when she wakes up. That's her first bath in 10 1/2 years! Initially, the vet sprayed a feline aroma into the crate which created a 'motherly' scent. Gretyl walked out of the crate and sat next to the vet while she got pet!! I could not believe my eyes! This vet bill will be worth its $$ just to see Gretyl so pleasant!!"

Great Glam

This always comes up when I sign out of MySpace.

I started a snarky post along the lines of "Glamour, really? Doesn't glamour mean luxury or elegance?" But glamour is defined by M-W as (1) a magic spell, or (2) an exciting and often illusory and romantic attractiveness. Bullshit! M-W is wrong. There's an element of luxury and elegance goddamnit. Ghetto and slutty are only glamorous if you're Lil' Kim or something.

More Mitch Hedburg

I'm obsessed now. But I wonder about his accent. Why does he sometimes sound like Al Pacino?



While the delivery is super good and you should really watch the video, here are some funny bits in case you don't watch video at work or whatever, lameass:

(1) (Upon being called a millipede) "But I'm so many legs shorter than that. I'm a dos-ipede."

(2) I had a Jack & Coke recently and I saw that the lime was floating. Next time I'm in a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime...I am saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

(3) I felt that my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxema. They are off-white.

(4) If the number 13 is unlucky than so should the letter B be because B looks like a scrunched together 13. "What's your name?" "Bob" "Get the hell away."

(5) I had a cold sore so I put some Carmex on it. Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores. I don't know if it does, but it will make them shinier and more noticeable.

To The Stoner Who Works At Cottage Inn Pizza

The following is stolen from a Craigslister in Ann Arbor.


You: the guy who answers the phone at cottage inn pizza.
Me: Hungry and stoned out of my gourd.


I called you from my cell phone but had completely forgot who I was calling by the time you answered the phone. Of course, you were also baked to bajeezus and forgot to tell me that I had called Cottage Inn.


When you answered and said, “Whatsup?” I thought about it, and after a 20 second pause I told you that was hungry. You suggested I try a pizza, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea.


Then I asked you if you sold pizza and you said that you could make me one. I said I wanted anchovies and something else on my pizza. You asked me what that something else was.


We spent five minutes listing toppings until we figured out that I was trying to remember how to say: “Sun dried Tomatoes.” When you said: “We'll bake that right up for you,” we both started laughing uncontrollably.


It was the best pizza I ever had; I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.

Odd Voicemails.

I recently received a string of voicemails from some lady named "Nicole" who appears to think my blackberry is "Rob's" cell phone.

Hey Rob, it's Nicole. And Danny and Yoshida. We were in movie, it's 5:30, we're in the Emeryville marketplace food court, I'm looking for soup, they're looking for chinese food and hot dogs. (giggle). Okay, the phone's back on. Call us back later.

Hey it's me. So 24 hours later, I'm flush. I'm going to be here until 3:00. Me meaning Nicole, hopefully that's recognizable. I'm happy to loan you the fundage, but I'm at the doctor's office right now and we'd have to go tonight or tomorrow morning. Since that's my next available...tomorrow morning. Uhh what a mess. Please call my cell for the next 24 hours because Dave's at the office, some weird stuff is on, and um, I will talk to you about it in person...okay...bye.

Hey Robert it's Nicole. I am, it's 9:15 on Sunday night, I'm hoping we can do this earlier tomorrow morning like I'm hoping 9:00 or something, rather than later, because I have to do some stuff with Allison later. Um, anyways. Gonna go to work. Give me a call. I'm gonna be up until 11:00 tonight. Hopefully talk to you later. Give me a call back if you can. Okay bye. (pause). Also I have your shovel at my house, the wooden one, it was Andy's, it's nice, not sure if you want to use that one or what. Okay give me a call. Bye.

Hey Rob it's me! Um. I just left your place and um I just talked with Allison and wondered what she was doing tomorrow morning cause I was gonna help you do another load. She said "Oh, I don't know" so guess what?!?, you've got two of us in the morning!! Call me around 8:30 so we can really get it going by um 9:00 or 9:30 because um Allison needs to be done at 12:00 so she can be somewhere at 1:00. So, um, we should be able to do it I think. Okay? Three of us on deck, we're rolling. And hey by the way do you like pumpkin pie? Something in me says OH YEAH, it's orange, he'll eat it. (pause). Bye.

Good morning Rob it's Nicole I know I'm calling early it's 8. Two things. I'm seeing how your face is, how's your swelling?, and um, the other thing is, um, I'm busy this morning and the day but the early evening like about the same time, um, I could go over to Michelle's with you. It's Wednesday and I'm leaving the house at 9:00 and um do you need some soup? How ya feelin! I'm gonna go through my kitchen today so I know I have some stuff for you, for your kitchen. Okay. Bye.

We are old ladies.

Leslie (text): I made some beer-battered brussel sprouts tonight.
Linda (text): Martha Stewart has nothing on you



[Time elapses. Conversation picks up in person.]


Linda: So you beer-battered your brussel sprouts? How were they?


Leslie: Good. You've been making all the brussel sprouts recently and then last night the squash, and it got me in the mood to start experimenting and trying to outdo myself.


Linda: We should make butternut squash! That was better than the acorn squash I made last night. Also, they're phallic.


Leslie: Definitely. Maybe we could compete-


Linda: YES


Leslie - by each making half of a squash.


Linda: YES


Leslie: ....


Linda: (gazing downward, serious) Maybe Sunday evening......I don't know.


Leslie: You are totally Will Ferrell in Old School right now.

Mitch Hedburg

Recent discovery for me and I LOVE HIM.

"Wyland!!! He paints those beautiful pictures of dolphins!"

....I heard one middle-aged lady say that to another today.

Yikes. If Kinkade is the Painter of Light, Wyland is Painter of the Seas. Growing up in San Diego with Seaport Village, I know this stuff sells and sells good. I can't believe people pay for this crap while real artists are starving. I bet Wyland doesn't fit into skinny jeans (if you know what I'm saying). But maybe I'm being too harsh. If art doesn't take something real, like a dolphin, and make it look more airbrushed and pretty, I don't know what "art" is and frankly I don't care.

Example 1: Dolphin Serenity. Two dolphins dance in an ancient ritual that has occurred for millions of years throughout all the oceans of the world. "I tried to capture that special moment from a rare fish eye view that will inspire all of us to protect their water home."

Example 2: Dolphin Synchronicity. “Dolphins are extremely social,” Wyland says. “They eat together, breathe together, swim together. Part of this is for their protection, but after watching them over the last twenty-five years I have to conclude that they actually seem to enjoy each other’s company.” In his new bronze sculpture, “Dolphin Synchronicity,” Wyland shows a trio of dolphins doing what they do best — rushing through the sea with a series of acrobatic leaps. [Eds note: Looks a little sexier than plain acrobatics to me].

Example 3: Dolphin Days. Oahu’s North Shore is home to Pacific bottlenose dolphins, green sea turtles and many colorful reef fish. As the sun sets off Keana Point and day turns into night the extreme beauty of this island paradise comes alive.