Chef Boyardee: Canned Pastas

Burgers in a bowl cooked up in no time? How cool is that? How 'bout Pepperoni Pizzazaroli? Or Nacho Cheese Twistaroni? Chef's Canned Pastas have the delicious tastes you've always loved plus some new twists on old favorites. They're meat-ee, chees-ee, sauc-ee... TASTEE!

The good people at ConAgra "foods" also provide a SatisfACTION Hero Quiz. I determined that my SatisfACTION hero is the Mini Ravioli Bowl, meaning:

I am trendsetter - always on the edge of the latest styles. I know that too much of a good thing can be... well...too much. So Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli is a perfect fit for me! All the great taste of ravioli in bite-size pieces. I love the little things in life - like a funny riddle, a shortcut to school or a Mini Ravioli Microwaveable Cup. I have a tight-knit group of super-close friends who I'd do anything for. I might be on the small side, but I come through with great taste in a power package.

Flight of the Conchords

You may know this funny New Zealand duo from their Business Time video (of email forward fame). It's posted below for your convenience.

You should also get to know them through the new self-titled HBO series Flight of the Conchords. The first two episodes are quite enjoyable. Quite. "She's hot. She's like a curry. I want to tell her how hot she is but I don't want to be sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist. ....Bitch."

Their movie Eagle v. Shark also opened nationwide last week and I will encourage that too although I can't personally vouch for its enjoyability.

So Fresh, So Clean

The rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

death (2x)
gay (1x)

A game of hilarious comparisons

Evil Queen Magda - G (no bad words were found)
The Jo-Tel - G (no bad words were found)
A Modern Epistolary - G (fag 1x)
Rush Limbaugh - G (dead 2x, hell 1x)
All Things Amity - PG (death 2x, retard 1x)
RBlog - PG (turd 2x, crappy 1x)
CNN - PG (dead 4x, death 1x)
Nancy Grace - PG-13 (murder 5x, dangerous 2x)
Goldyworld - R (dick 2x, slut 1x)
Perezhilton - R (gay 4x, death 2x, lesbian 1x)
Craigslist SF Casual Encounters - R (sexy 4x, cock 3x, porn 2x, dick 1x)

Mom's Corner

"Maggie Lou just lost 10 pounds from her first haircut today! We keep looking and staring at her while adjusting to her new look. She didn't howl at herself in the mirror, so I guess the change hasn't affected her confidence any!"

Yikes. Does Maggie now look like: (a) a Dandie Dinmont Terrier; or (b) Falkor from The Neverending Story? Vote in comments.

On pirates and John Mulaney

I posted about land pirates a while back, and since then everything's been coming up pirates. Sadly I cannot remember all the pirate references to bore you with right now, so instead I will give you this awesome standup clip from my new favorite person I don't know and will never meet: John Mulaney. His entire bit is fantastic but there's an especially funny part about pirate chests always overflowing because pirates can't gauge depth with the eyepatches.

Aye-aye!

Kendra got engaged yesterday, and in celebration I post this picture of an aye-aye.

Aye-ayes are not only an inside joke from 9th grade biology, but also an onomotopoeia that jives with the pirate theme.

I'm bucking tradition using one for congratulations, however. The aye-aye's native habitat is Magadascar, where aye-ayes are viewed as a harbinger of evil and often killed on sight. Some believe if an aye-aye points its long middle finger at you, you are condemned to death. Others believe the appearance of an aye-aye in a village predicts the death of a villager. Finally, some people go so far as to claim aye-ayes sneak into houses through the thatched roofs and murder the sleeping occupants by using their middle finger to puncture the victim's aorta.

Congratulations Kendra and Tommy!

Dancing with Cats

"When you start, don't crowd your cat. Sit near it, but don't try to get its attention. Just be with it. Try to feel your being next to its being. Focus on it softly." Jane Mander, Berkeley CA

"With my Siamese, Ferdinand, I got him started by just cradling him in my arms and moving slowly about to the music. Once he began to purr I'd hold him by his front legs and let his back paws down on top of by shoes. Then as I moved, he moved in perfect time. At first he only wanted to do it for a minute, but gradually we've extended the time up to 9 minutes and now he'll dance unsupported for nearly 30 seconds." Sabina Pracht, Cologne, France

"I used a very simple technique to get my cat dancing with me. I'd lie with it on my tummy and begin stroking it slowly while playing one of the long slow tracks on the 'Dancing with Cats' album by David Parsons. Minky would purr loudly and sink her claws into my thick woolen jersey. I'd purr in time with her and then, with her still attached to my jersey I'd slowly roll onto my side and stand up halfway and lean forward so that she sort of hung by her front paws from my jersey with her back feet just touching the ground. Then, without supporting her at all, I'd sway from side to side to the music and she would just swing along until her claws couldn't take any more. Now when I put the music on she'll come running over, put her front paws up on me and sway in time with the music. It's fantastically soothing." Justine Brown, Manchester UK

"Is it just me or are you guys getting turned on?" Linda, San Francisco CA

Wine Away

Wine Away looks like infomercial bullshit, right? WRONG.

It sat in the kitchen at a party last weekend. I scoffed, picked it up, waved it around, and made everybody agree it was a fake product from a Saturday Night Live commercial. Hahahahaha I'm so funny.

Almost immediately after mocking the Wine Away, I spilled red wine all down the front of my light-colored blouse. Amy grabbed the Wine Away and spritzed the shit out me. The wine stains just disappeared. I looked down and a puddle was also rapidly disappearing. It's like The Langoliers of stains.

Bear Spottin'

This morning Edith Zimmerman posted the following, and it cracked me up:

"When seeing a dog-sized animal in Prospect Park, my first thought should probably not be 'bear,' but yesterday I almost saw a bear. It was in one of those dark side areas, off the beaten path, shadowy and filled with trash. There was a rustling and then I saw this thing in the bushes. It was a giant ball of nasty grayish fur, really disgusting, and I couldn’t tell which side was its face because it was just this awful, weird rectangle. Actually my first thought was 'monster,' and then I reasoned myself down to 'bear,' and then I paid closer attention and it was just a gross dog. The end!"

Then, at lunch, my co-worker described the following awkward conversation:

Co-worker: I ate at Chaya last night.
Partner: Was it good?
Co-worker: Yeah. It was. I saw one of my old professors and he was -
Partner: You don't camp, do you?
Co-worker: What?
Partner: .....
Co-worker: .....
Partner: Because you'd be great at spotting bears.