Show that you're a catch!

I found some article the other day about the Top 5 things to talk about on a first date. My comments are found below in italics (the jazz hands of fonts).

1. Whatever you’re passionate about. Maybe it’s your love of art and culture. Or history. Or tropical bird-watching. Anything, in fact, except celebrities and what’s on TV. You want to show that you do things in your spare time that enrich you as a person, not just sit on the sofa with Us Weekly. And even if you and your date are both super into celeb watching, it’s hardly a unique trait to build a relationship on. Spend those early dates getting to know the important facts about one another; the passions that make each of you tick and distinguish you from the other single folk out there.

Sample segue: “I liked Evan Almighty because it got people talking about the Bible, which isn’t true of most popular movies! I’m one of those people who loves getting into a literary discussion of the Bible—how about you?”

WRONG. Celebrity talk is one of the best things to talk about on a first date. Some dude wants to watch TV with me while reading Us Weekly? Keeper! Dude that watched (and liked!) Evan Almighty because it got people talking about the Bible and literary discussions thereof? Next!

2. Your domestic genius. It’s universally impressive to keep a stylish home, and it’s doubly impressive if you’re a great cook. “Cooking is one of my passions,” says James Humphrey, a public-relations manager in New York. “I can go on for hours talking about how much I hate Emeril but think Lidia Bastianich is the bomb!” If you know how to make a great meal, it’s definitely worth mentioning on the first date—a little private at-home dinner party just might be in your future. Even mentioning how much you love to make crafty birthday gifts for friends or have fondue parties can reveal a little about your nesting talents.

Sample segue: “How’s that chicken stew you ordered? I got this amazing recipe last summer that I’ve customized by...”

Dudes: I don't know Lidia but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't call a lady a Bastianich on a first date. Also I hate the phrase "the bomb," and the word "meal." Plus if you love fondue parties you probably also enjoy hot tub clubs (with men). Ladies: If you earnestly promote your nesting talents the dude's gonna flash forward to you picking out china patterns, yelling at him for getting drunk with his friends, and trying to cut off his balls. Proceed with caution.

3. Your family values. It can be a big plus to let your date know that your family is important to you, but that they don’t run your life. Share a story that describes your family in context (“We always played pranks on birthdays; I was a bit of a ringleader…”), but don’t go into anything that makes you sound bitter (“The jerkenstein also known as my father”) or attached at the hip (“Oh, this sweater? My mom made me try on every one in the store!”).

Sample segue: “My parents and I couldn’t be more different—except when it comes to…”

I love my family and talk about them a lot. I encourage this quality in others especially if told in a funny way. Women are good at spotting mama's boys even if family isn't a topic of conversation. (My skillz are particularly honed seeing as how I dated one for 3.5 years. Did your college boyfriend's mom drive 10 hours every few months to wash the few of his clothes that were not dry-cleanable courduroy pleated slacks and cashmere sweaters? Mine did!!! After college, did your boyfriend move back home and smoke a pound of weed a day and enjoy drinking wine with his mom and telling you you weren't nurturing enough? Mine did!!!) Anyhoozle. If you're a dude and you call your dad a "Jerkenstein," you don't look bitter you just look lame.

4. Community service. If you’re active in community organizations that help people in any way, this is definitely something to bring up on the first date. Of course, bragging about giving lots of money to charities—well, that’s just showing off. But just mentioning that you do volunteer work — like delivering meals to homebound people or even just hosting events for a local professional organization — shows a sense of humanity that’s an indisputable selling point.

Sample segue: “That neighborhood is really changing—I used to go there sometimes for [insert charity name], and it was on the dangerous side, but now it’s really improving!”

I just vomited in my mouth. People, I am all about urban revitalization, it is one of the best parts of my job and I'm willing to discuss this topic at length. But the gentleman described above just sounds like some douchebag that will wear blazers on weekends and make me go to galas when I'd rather be in a dive bar or at home with Netflix. No thanks. Plus everybody knows real men don't find anything dangerous. Pussy.

5. Your ability to laugh at yourself. This one’s less about saying one particular thing, and more about having a lighthearted tone. “Everyone has faults, and to be able to laugh at them is charming,” says Humphrey. “It’s always great to give a funny story about something you did to embarrass yourself—like my going up to Eva Longoria at a TV event and mistaking her for someone else.” Your embarrassing moment doesn’t have to involve a celeb, of course; it should just be something that shows you’re a human with faults and that you can acknowledge those flaws without falling to pieces.

Sample segue: “I love my job, and fortunately I work with great people. They didn’t even make too much fun of me the time I…” Odds are, your date will find your self-deprecating humor charming.

Why is this Humphrey character the only person quoted in the article? That's actually the only problem I have with this one, because self-deprecating humor is pretty much the best thing ever. The End.