America the Beautiful

Top Ten American Things I Thought About This Week:

(10) Nancy Grace is knocked up. CNN Anchorwoman Nancy Grace, 48, is four months pregnant - with twins! She thought it wasn't meant to be, but as part of God's plan she was given (by God of course, not modern science) this wonderful blessing late in life and could not be happier.

(9) Scooter Libby stretches friendships to the max. For obstructing justice in the leak of a CIA employee's identity, Libby was sentenced to 2.5 years in prison along with 2 years probation and a $250,000 fine. While upholding the probation and fine, Bush commuted the prison sentence. What's that old adage? "Cronies: If you got 'em, flaunt 'em" or maybe "The Rule of Law: Fuck it."

(8) Oil gets all up in the business of Kansas and Oklahoma. An estimated 42,000 gallons of thick crude oil spilled from a Kansas refinery and floated with mud and debris down the Verdigris River, coating everything it touched with a slimy, smelly layer of goo. Oklahoma residents fled as a river carried an oil slick toward a large reservoir that supplies water to several cities. This reminds me: White Noise by Don DeLillo is a great book. I recommend it.

(7) Race n' Schools. Parents challenged a school district policy assigning students to schools based partly on race so that the makeup of each school roughly mirrors that of the district. The Supreme Court held that public school systems cannot seek to achieve or maintain integration through measures that take explicit account of a student’s race. Writing for the majority (5-4), Roberts said "The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race," concluding with "The way to stop a problem is to stop acknowledging the problem."

(6) Goobers (Belated)! When Magda and I returned from studying abroad in 1999, we were all pouty and sorry for ourselves for being in America. We went to a movie for some escapism. A "Century Theatres: Enjoy the Ride!!!!" thing came on and it was like a 3D rollercoaster of film reels on which we, the audience, zoomed through a dazzling array of flying popcorn meteors and flying boxes of Goobers and Red Vines that barely missed us. We laughed/cried so hard that day.

(5) Benoit is too ridiculous to even joke about. The WWF wrestler was taking a ton of anabolic steroids as well as testosterone. He apparently killed his wife and 7-year old mentally handicapped son by strangling them both (the son in a chokehold) then hanging himself by the cord of a weight machine in his basement.

(4) The peacock Lestat. A peacock wandered into a Staten Island Burger King. While charmed employees fed him bread, a man appeared. He seized the bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground, and kicked it while yelling "I'm killing a vampire!"

(3) The vampire Coulter. Several months ago, Ann Coulter called John Edwards a faggot. Recently she jokingly wished had been killed in a terrorist assasination plot. When Ann was talking with Chris Matthews recently, Elizabeth Edwards called in to ask her to stop the personal attacks and focus on issues. Ann's response is to flip her hair a lot, adopt a defensive tone, say John Edwards gives sheister psychic Las Vegas routines in front of illiterate juries to bankrupt doctors, criticize him for charging $50k for speeches, and whine at Chris Matthews when she can't remember what she wrote about Hillary Clinton's chubby legs.

(2) Dole is bananas. I bought a bunch of bananas. Almost every banana had a sticker that said either "Grill Me!" (in a crazy spray paint looking font) or "Reese's Peanut Butter Topping!" (with a picture of said topping).

(1) Visa Time! At one point during Sunday's Giants game, an advertisement came on the big screen saying "Visa Time!! Waive around your Visa!" Everybody started digging in bags, pulling out Visas, and waiving them around like giddy retards. The big screen would zoom in on people happily waiving around their American luxury/debt.