Meet Burger and Fries.

Pinky goes nuts.

Stuff White People Like

I know you've all read and enjoyed it, so I'm not linking, but merely sharing this morning's family email dialogue:

• Brother 6:42 AM: This is hilarious. It's like an outsider's cultural guide to understanding whites (albeit whites in the upper-middle class). There has been a lot of discussion on the 'net about this lately. Apparently a lot of whites are outraged that someone would dare generalize them in this manner. I however was completely amused, and so was Linda, despite being basically the exact prototype of this classification. http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

• Mom 6:47 AM: hey brother...i'm laughing so hard i can hardly type! thanks for the morning cardiopulmonary workout while drinking coffee (#1)...instant coffee, i must admit! yup...you and linda fit into many of the stereotypes pretty closely, hmm. it's about time us parents are off the hook a little ('cept by their kids!). i guess the saying is true, "what goes around comes around." thanks a lot for sending this to us and keeping us informed about our race...i'm passing it forward!!

• Linda 9:08 AM: Whoa. Are you sure you've only had the one coffee?

• Mom 9:20 AM: one and a half actually. how about you?

• Dad 9:26 AM: Mom, put the Bushmills away. No more irish coffee for you this morning!

It destroys art. It destroys souls.

Today Gentleman Friend proudly showed me his new Anne Geddes checks. He also reminded me of this great moment from "The Office":


Angela: It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.


Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy and in bad taste and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno.

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Today, in response to a post about What to Expect When You're Expecting, Jezebel commenters discussed weird things that happen during pregnancy and birth. This has been a favorite topic of mine since I learned (relatively recently) that women often poop during birth. My response was basically "Hold on...WHAT?!?!"

Here are the top ten comments and tips from today's post:

(10) I was a C-section, so there was no chance for such grossness with me. Only cutting flesh open, pulling it back like wallpaper, and shifting organs about. You know. The usual.

(9) Seeing my friend's fiancee not able to get off a couch because she had an 8 inch blood clot after her c-section made me die a little inside.

(8) My friend's mom craved dirt when she was pregnant with her. Dirt. More specifically she wanted red dirt. I don't know why she was hating on the other flavors of dirt, but whatevs.

(7) I think the first truly horrifying reality check about pregnancy came the day I learned in 9th grade health class about shitting during labor, tearing, and what 10 cm dilated really looks like. It was a trifecta of horror.

(6) A guy I work with was horrified about the thing where well, they cut something (cervix, vagina, not sure?) to make the baby come out easier. He came by my desk and asked me about it (why, not sure, I have no kids) and was all pale. He told me he thought they "just fell out."

(5) What about that gross mucus plug that comes out the last few weeks?? Uggggg.

(4) Ahh me too on the shitting during labor! All I could think was - "I can't believe so many husbands have watched their wives shit, camera-in-hand!"

(3) I threw up during labor. I also got extreme "morning sickness" from the second month until the seventh month. I threw up so much and so often that I began bleeding from the back of my throat every time I gagged. Oh and my insurance wouldn't cover the cost of the anti-nausea pills. It was the worth nine months of my life, but I'm happy with the end result. He's pretty rad.

(2) When my sister was in the midst of her ninth month she sent me a text message that read, "Thought my water broke this morning, but I just peed my pants."

(1) A friend and I told a male coworker about how sometimes babies poop in the womb (I think it is called merconium?). First he didn't believe us. Then he got upset. Then he yelled at the top of his lungs "Nobody is SHITTING inside MY WIFE!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day! (v.1)

Happy St. Patrick's Day! (v.2)

Q: What is corned beef?

A: The real question here is: "How do you corn something?" We've got a pretty good grasp of the beef concept, but the "corning" process is mysterious. According to the Department of Agriculture, "The name comes from Anglo-Saxon times before refrigeration. In those days, the meat was dry-cured in coarse 'corns' of salt. Pellets of salt, some the size of kernels of corn, were rubbed into the beef to keep it from spoiling and to preserve it." So there you have it. Take the bust of a cow (i.e. the ribs and chest meat), smack it up, flip it, rub it down, and soak for about four days. Voila, corned beef.

Can somebody arrange for me to be BFF with Ellen? That'd be great, thanks.

Shower the people you love with condiments.

I think my brother misheard James Taylor, because my sister-in-law posted this story:

One morning last weekend, I got my slow, sleepy ass into the shower. As I usually do, I let the water hit my face for a few seconds before grabbing the shampoo and doing the ol' lather routine.

With water still in my eyes, I go to grab for the shampoo and I realize that the herbal essence I grabbed is actually a bottle of heinz ketchup. Confused, I double-take and notice that the conditioner is a mustard container.

Now at this point, my mind is really blown. I look down at my facial cleanser and it is a bottle of olives. All of my shower items have been replaced with condiments.

Some husbands bring their wives flowers and chocolate.

Interesting.

Somebody googled "a lot of pubic hair" and found themselves at my blog today. So I have that going for me, which is nice. If you take it to the next level and run an image search, this appears:

Clearly, LOL.