See you at the Crossroads.

I use Hotmail. Guilty as charged. I have a Gmail account like a proper young urbanite but I've been running my life on Hotmail since the 90's and old habits die hard. I may or may not pay for extra storage but let's not go there right now, okay? One embarrassing disclosure at a time.

Sooooo. This is a roundabout way of explaining that when I access Hotmail I encounter MSN and its hard-hitting journalism. Today a big topic was Darfur. And by "Darfur," I mean BONE THUGS ~N~ HARMONY.

Each time I checked my email today there was a little icon that said "Bone Thugs ~N~ Harmony: Catch their concert from Chicago's House of Blues!" The link allows one to (a) see how these long-time rappers are holding it down in 2007; (b) hear about the musical history these Midwest rappers plan to bring onstage; and (c) read about their history, hear track samples, and more! I did none of those things, but I did shut my office door and play the Crossroads video on YouTube for like an hour straight.

Victoria Woodhull

This is the third part in a series I'm calling "Rad Bitches." First came Lucy Stone. Then Hillary (Rodham, Rodham-Clinton) Clinton. Now: Victoria Woodhull. Who the hull is that, you ask? A champion of free love and women's rights, as well as the first female Wall Street broker and Presidential nominee. She was also a looker!

At 15 she married a 28-year-old doctor. She quickly realized he was an alcoholic and a womanizer and she'd need to support him and their 2 kids. This pissed her off for several reasons: (i) at that time women had few options to escape shitty marriages; (ii) divorced ladies were stigmatized and often ostracized and maybe Jazzercized; and (iii) men were allowed to have sex of the pre- and extra-marital varieties.

She and her sister were the first female Wall Street brokers. Their firm opened in 1870 with the assistance of her admirer and wealthy benefactor. Many contemporary men's journals published sexualized images of the pair running their firm, thereby linking the concept of publicly-minded, un-chaperoned women with ideas of "sexuality immorality" and prostitution.

She and her sister also established a paper with opinions on taboo topics. Among other things, the paper advocated women's suffrage, short skirts, spiritualism, free love, vegetarianism, licensed prostitution, and birth control. The paper also included the first English version of the Communist Manifesto.

In 1871, she argued to the House Judiciary Committee that women already had the right to vote - all they had to do was use it - since the 14th and 15th Amendments granted that right to all citizens. (Reminder: Women didn't get the vote until 1920. NINETEEN TWENTY.)

In 1872, she received the Presidential nomination from the Equal Rights Party and Frederick Douglass received the Vice Presidential nomination. While he didn't accept his nomination, her association with him stirred controversy about the mixing of whites n' blacks. The Equal Rights Party hoped the combination would reunite suffragists with civil rights activists, because the exclusion of female suffrage from the 15th Amendment two years earlier apparently had suffragist panties in a bunch.

Two days before the 1872 election, Victoria's paper published an article about a rumored affair between a prominent Protestant Reverend and some woman. The article intended to highlight the sexual double-standard between women and men. It resuled in her arrest that very day for sending obscene materials through the mail. The arrest was arranged by Anthony Comstock, the self-appointed moral defender of the nation at the time, and incited questions about censorship and government persecution. She was acquitted on a technicality six months later, but the arrest prevented Victoria from attempting to vote during the election.

More Hamburger.

Here's more Neil Hamburger for you. This is a clip of him on the Tom Green Show defending Thora Birch's honor:

Neil Hamburger

Neil Hamburger is an anti-comedian in the style of Andy Kaufman's Tony Clifton. His pacing is off (no ba-dum-dum punchlines), he slurs and clears his throat a lot, he says unnnnngh like SNL's Pat, and he holds a bunch of drinks and drops them on audience members.

A few years ago, Hot Karl suggested I watch him at the Hemlock here in San Francisco. I forced Annie, Becky, Hip E, and PETE to go with me. Jokes included such things as "Why does Madonna feed her children Alpo? Because that's what comes out of her breast," and "Why did Michael Jackson turn down $10,000,000 to advertise for McDonalds? Because he doesn't find obese children at all sexually appealing." You get the gist. At the end of the night they were all like "Linda, WTF?" A year later Annie saw him open at the Great American Music Hall. As everybody grumbled and became angry at the shitty comic, Annie told them one time I made her go see him. (PS: You're welcome).

He recently started a show called Poolside Chats on Tom Green's website. Y'all should watch these. To give you a taste: With one angry caller, Hamburger claimed that Bob Dole had the censored the show, to which the caller replied "Yeah, fuck Bob Dole!" Hamburger then suggested the caller "go down to the local wall" and spray paint "Fuck Bob Dole" on it, to which the caller replied "I'll spray paint everything!"

Funny running Poolside Chat jokes include:

• The Pool Guy works during the filming and often smokes joints with the guests. Hamburger has does not appreciate the man "stoning" the guests, and if it continues he will "call 9-1-1".
• Hamburger and Kyle Gass played a duet using a small child's electronic keyboard toy shaped like a hamburger.
• Hamburger claimed that a boy named Nathan had drowned in the pool by which the show is filmed, and was not saved since his parents were filming a porno while the accident happened. He further claimed that this tragic incident had lowered the property values for the house. Tom Green was very evasive when asked about this incident.
• Hamburger revealed that the hair gel he uses, "New Wave Hard Rock Gel," is actually prescribed to him from an Australian pharmacy. It "has" to be imported as it is "banned" in America.
• Hamburger often changes the name of the show mid-show when things are going badly, answering the phone with the new name and confusing callers. Names have included 'Poolside Shit', 'Pizza Hut', 'Hell on Earth', 'Cancelled Show' and 'Girl Talk'.

My eyes are burning.

There are no words.

Hot Karl: So hot right now.

Linda's brother Hot Karl is having the best summer ever.

First he married a rocking chick. (Hey thanks for the rad sister-in-law by the way). Then, he went on a neat honeymoon in St. Lucia. Then, he scored a very cool urban planning dream job in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Finally, he JOINED A SCOOTER CLUB.

He wrote: I met with a local scooter club tonight for a ride and hangout session. They're a month old. They meet at this coffee shop at 7 pm and then go for a ride around town, hitting all the main roads and popular hangout places for maybe a 15-mile ride, honking and pissing off traffic with our convoy all the way. It ends at this cheesy sports bar/pizzeria called HOG WILD where everyone hangs out and talks about the scootin' life. There were 27 people tonight, including a local TV weatherguy, the Heisman candidate star runningback for the Razorbacks, and for some reason a few old gay Navy guys. Soooo fun, I will join again next week.

I wrote: Your life is like totally and completely awesome this summer, huh? I'm glad. I also request a good scootin' when I visit.

He wrote: And yes life is super this summer...You can scoot around on that thing all you want. I was one of maybe four mopeds in the group. Mopeds are way better than scooters by the way. Scooters don't have any badass rap groups from Chicago rappin about how much they rule, for instance:

Woot!

I read two pieces of news today that kinda made me fall in love with Hillary Clinton.

(1) Senatorial Cleavage. I read she'd flaunted some cleavage on the Senate floor last week. The pictures aren't sexual at all, but they do show her rocking a hot pink jacket with a black camisole and - yes - a bit of cleavage. My initial response was "Wow she's wearing that and still looks badass and professional. Should I consider pink at work?" It made her look human and warm and like a regular woman. You go Hill.

(2) Youthful Overanalysis. Some old high school friend of Hillary's recently provided the New York Times with letters from their early-college pen pal days. She seems so bright and zesty in these letters. She also has a wry observational tone that makes me want to go get drunk and talk about Life and Changing The World with young H.Dawg. Some snippets include:

“Sunday was lethargic from the beginning as I wallowed in a morass of general and specific dislike and pity for most people but me especially."

“Can you be a misanthrope and still love or enjoy some individuals? How about a compassionate misanthrope?”

“Are you satisfied with the part you have cast yourself in? It seems that you have decided to become a reactor rather than actor — everything around will determine your life.”

“God, I feel so divorced from Park Ridge, parents, home, the entire unreality of middle class America. This all sounds so predictable, but it’s true.”

“I’d play out in the patch of sunlight that broke the density of the elms in front of our house and pretend there were heavenly movie cameras watching my every move. I yearn for all the excitement and discoveries of life without losing the little girl in the sunlight. You’ll probably think I’m retreating from the world back to the sunlight in an attempt to dream my child’s movie."

Ohhh poor baby.

My boyfriend Stephen Colbert broke his wrist on the set last week.

"To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how it happened," the mock right-wing talk-show host told his audience. "My director Jimmy is suggesting I might have broken my wrist ... before the show."

Slow-motion footage was then shown of Colbert running around the set to "pump up" the crowd. Beyonce Knowles' "Ring the Alarm" was played over the footage, alluding to her recent fall. As Colbert rounded his desk and headed to high-five his audience, he slipped and fell backward.

"Yeah, that might have been it," he deadpanned.

Show that you're a catch!

I found some article the other day about the Top 5 things to talk about on a first date. My comments are found below in italics (the jazz hands of fonts).

1. Whatever you’re passionate about. Maybe it’s your love of art and culture. Or history. Or tropical bird-watching. Anything, in fact, except celebrities and what’s on TV. You want to show that you do things in your spare time that enrich you as a person, not just sit on the sofa with Us Weekly. And even if you and your date are both super into celeb watching, it’s hardly a unique trait to build a relationship on. Spend those early dates getting to know the important facts about one another; the passions that make each of you tick and distinguish you from the other single folk out there.

Sample segue: “I liked Evan Almighty because it got people talking about the Bible, which isn’t true of most popular movies! I’m one of those people who loves getting into a literary discussion of the Bible—how about you?”

WRONG. Celebrity talk is one of the best things to talk about on a first date. Some dude wants to watch TV with me while reading Us Weekly? Keeper! Dude that watched (and liked!) Evan Almighty because it got people talking about the Bible and literary discussions thereof? Next!

2. Your domestic genius. It’s universally impressive to keep a stylish home, and it’s doubly impressive if you’re a great cook. “Cooking is one of my passions,” says James Humphrey, a public-relations manager in New York. “I can go on for hours talking about how much I hate Emeril but think Lidia Bastianich is the bomb!” If you know how to make a great meal, it’s definitely worth mentioning on the first date—a little private at-home dinner party just might be in your future. Even mentioning how much you love to make crafty birthday gifts for friends or have fondue parties can reveal a little about your nesting talents.

Sample segue: “How’s that chicken stew you ordered? I got this amazing recipe last summer that I’ve customized by...”

Dudes: I don't know Lidia but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't call a lady a Bastianich on a first date. Also I hate the phrase "the bomb," and the word "meal." Plus if you love fondue parties you probably also enjoy hot tub clubs (with men). Ladies: If you earnestly promote your nesting talents the dude's gonna flash forward to you picking out china patterns, yelling at him for getting drunk with his friends, and trying to cut off his balls. Proceed with caution.

3. Your family values. It can be a big plus to let your date know that your family is important to you, but that they don’t run your life. Share a story that describes your family in context (“We always played pranks on birthdays; I was a bit of a ringleader…”), but don’t go into anything that makes you sound bitter (“The jerkenstein also known as my father”) or attached at the hip (“Oh, this sweater? My mom made me try on every one in the store!”).

Sample segue: “My parents and I couldn’t be more different—except when it comes to…”

I love my family and talk about them a lot. I encourage this quality in others especially if told in a funny way. Women are good at spotting mama's boys even if family isn't a topic of conversation. (My skillz are particularly honed seeing as how I dated one for 3.5 years. Did your college boyfriend's mom drive 10 hours every few months to wash the few of his clothes that were not dry-cleanable courduroy pleated slacks and cashmere sweaters? Mine did!!! After college, did your boyfriend move back home and smoke a pound of weed a day and enjoy drinking wine with his mom and telling you you weren't nurturing enough? Mine did!!!) Anyhoozle. If you're a dude and you call your dad a "Jerkenstein," you don't look bitter you just look lame.

4. Community service. If you’re active in community organizations that help people in any way, this is definitely something to bring up on the first date. Of course, bragging about giving lots of money to charities—well, that’s just showing off. But just mentioning that you do volunteer work — like delivering meals to homebound people or even just hosting events for a local professional organization — shows a sense of humanity that’s an indisputable selling point.

Sample segue: “That neighborhood is really changing—I used to go there sometimes for [insert charity name], and it was on the dangerous side, but now it’s really improving!”

I just vomited in my mouth. People, I am all about urban revitalization, it is one of the best parts of my job and I'm willing to discuss this topic at length. But the gentleman described above just sounds like some douchebag that will wear blazers on weekends and make me go to galas when I'd rather be in a dive bar or at home with Netflix. No thanks. Plus everybody knows real men don't find anything dangerous. Pussy.

5. Your ability to laugh at yourself. This one’s less about saying one particular thing, and more about having a lighthearted tone. “Everyone has faults, and to be able to laugh at them is charming,” says Humphrey. “It’s always great to give a funny story about something you did to embarrass yourself—like my going up to Eva Longoria at a TV event and mistaking her for someone else.” Your embarrassing moment doesn’t have to involve a celeb, of course; it should just be something that shows you’re a human with faults and that you can acknowledge those flaws without falling to pieces.

Sample segue: “I love my job, and fortunately I work with great people. They didn’t even make too much fun of me the time I…” Odds are, your date will find your self-deprecating humor charming.

Why is this Humphrey character the only person quoted in the article? That's actually the only problem I have with this one, because self-deprecating humor is pretty much the best thing ever. The End.

Lil' Superstar

I am tired so you get this. ENJOY.