Reason # 5472 my brother is rad.

To his friend on MySpace: "Are you gonna organize a bachelor party for me? I would really appreciate it, but I would also insist on all the douchebag elements being removed. You know what I mean! I don't want to be like 8 beers in to my evening before some paid-off slut is placed on my lap and all you dudes go 'NOW FUCK HER RIGHT NOW OR YOU'RE A GAY'"

Besides sticking power...

What do NuBras and Jesus have in common?

I have no freaking clue.

But when I googled sticky bras today (wedding next weekend, halter, etc.), I found an eBay ad for NuBra featuring pictures of crosses backlit by sunsets and playing the song "Come to Jesus."

T.G.I.F.

Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew..."

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

Besides humiliated parents and/or testicular cancer...

What do Tom Green and one of Hef's girlfriends have in common?

They both ghost ride the whip, that's what.

When Magda was here in February she introduced me to the pleasures of The Girls Next Door. In one episode Kendra drives a fancy Escalade onto a residential street in Beverly Hills, gets out while it's going, and freaks the car.

Then yesterday I noticed Tom Green had a video in which he drives a Lincoln Continental onto a deserted farm road in Saskatchewan, walks on the hood while it's going, and repeatedly enunciates "apply pressure to the brake" in an amusing way.

Falwell's Greatest Hits

Jerry Falwell (pastor, televangelist, co-founder of the Moral Majority) passed away yesterday. Hopefully some of his social policies passed with him. Here are his Top 10 quotes to remind people why voting is important:

10. It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.

9. Textbooks are Soviet Propaganda.

8. The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.

7. He is purple - the gay pride color - and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay pride symbol. (RE: Teletubby Tinky Winky).

6. Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

5. The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews.

4. AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.

3. If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.

2. Civil wrongs movement. (RE: Civil rights movement).

1. Throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say "you helped this happen." (RE: 9/11)

Handy

I love the word "handy." It applies to a man that fixes leaky faucets and knows when and where and why to use a washer. It has a nice retro feel, like he mows the lawn and smells of soap and is considered by his neighbors to be a family man. Yum. I would bake that man an apple pie.

Why then, when my co-worker hints that her brother lives near me and is "handy," do I keep picturing Schneider from One Day at a Time?

Ja Ja Ja

My small liberal arts college in Oregon was smaller and much whiter than my high school in California. I didn't like that. Then, because people were more interested in earnest volunteer work than snarky sarcasm and talking about Waiting for Guffman, I got real uppity-like and spent freshman year considering many of them bland and mediocre.

That passed, but sometimes I jump back on my uppity bandwagon. My dad didn't help last week by telling me he received a resume from a guy who'd majored in Politics (my major) at University (my college), and then, in order to secure gainful employment, he - get this! - spent a few years at a community college. Oh that's rich!

Dad: I guess people do different things with their Politics degrees from University. I found it interesting that Mr. X immediately went to graduate school at Community College and studied surveying. Just think, if he had spent another year at Community College instead of wasting four years at University, he could have had an Associate in Science degree in land surveying. He could have gone on to become a licensed professional land surveyor instead of kicking around during his career as a survey party chief. I'm so proud of you for having overcome your useless, deficient education at University. Law School helped your career, but perhaps you should return to higher education and look in to another degree. Perhaps Grossmont Community College? Have a great weekend.

Linda: Ha! Can I blog this?

Dad: I don't mind. But you might hurt Mr. X's feelings. Aren't liberals from liberal arts universities always very concerned about offending people? But it's probably OK, he's just a white male, so it doesn't really matter. (Ba dum dum. Dad'll be here all week. Try the veal).

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom love is fantastic. I often joke that my parents' compliments have no value because they find me unbelievably talented. Today is no different. I mailed Mom some hand-made earrings and mixed cds. She gushed on the phone about how beautiful the cover art was. I explained I just cut pictures from an art magazine and glued it on. She then extolled the virtues of my cutting (I cut the cover layer exactly to match the inside slip!) and pasting (I glued it on without any glue marks!). My Mom is the BEST. Love you Mom!

Fotos de Linda

Pictures you find if you and your roommate look up Yo Soy Linda on flickr while drinking cheap red wine:

Go ahead Mr. Wendell

Linda: Hey, are you doing Bay to Breakers? I'm going in a group dressed as Arrested Development and you are totally welcome to come with.

A.Nelson: I just realized that when you said Arrested Development you were talking about the show. For a while I thought you meant the band, like Mr. Wendell, and that seemed really awkward and funny.