Between Two Ferns

First Wives Club

Annie and I had an email conversation today about the song To Be Real and the fact that it's featured in First Wives Club. Neither of us can get the middle aged triumphantly kooky women out of our heads. It's all white pashminas and skirt suits and little pedi socks with sneakers dancing around, and I'm pretty sure their hands are up like little bunny rabbits at some point (or maybe that's just my image of my mother's dancing). I wish to GOD I could find a good picture, but all I gots is this:

To Be Real

Is this the cheesiest song ever created? I heard it on the radio several times today, and each time I just pictured giddy middle-aged women drinking champagne and cuttin loose in their Talbots without any rhythm.



What you fiiiiind, ah
(I think I love you, baby)
What you feeeeel now
(I feel I need you, baby)
What you knooooow-a
To be real

Ooooh, your love's fo-or re-e-e-eal now
You know that your love is my love
My love is your love
Our love is he-ere to stay-ay-ay-AAAAY!




Check out the couple behind Cheryl Lynn from about :30 to :45. You won't be disappointed.

Communist River Party 2007-2008

We decided to book a cabin in the Russian River Valley for New Years Eve. The Craigslist ad said "sleeps 10" and linked to a website with tons of cute 3 bedroom cabins. When we arrived Sunday, we realized it was less a bedroomed cabin than one-room trailer. It did sleep 10: it had 5 sets of bunk beds all along one wall. The other wall had part of a kitchen (without oven), a dining room table that was more like an ironing board, a couch, and a tiny tv. We all shared the bathroom, which was echo-y and the toilet clogged at one point.

Upon arrival, we called the woman and complained that we thought it had at least 3 bedrooms. She responded indignantly "But a 3-bedroom home wouldn't sleep 10 people!" and we were like "Right. Only a one-room trailer can do that."

Luckily we had plenty of liquid happiness and Cheryl was a quote factory:

• "And she said I wasn't fulfilling my potential. Why? Because I'm dating a dirtbag who is always peeing blood?"
• "It was like a ski-lift, or a gondola, or a ferris wheel, or a people mover. But more awesome."
• "We still have two of our New Years dolmas left!"
• "This song is very European."
• "If my bladder shopped at Nordstrom, it would be in petites."
• "I fucking love the Dead....they rock me."
• "Look! The tree has its own mound! (hip gyration) I could never hula-hoop."
• "I used to think my mom was smarter than me until we got that C+ when she wrote my Evita paper in college."
• "Pee pee. That felt good."
• "Let's pretend it's summer camp and all tell ghost stories. And switch beds. (pause) (switch to pirate voice) Yo-Ho, let's switch beds!"
• "I got marshmallows on my gingerbread pants."

Happy Holidays!!!

We were depressed arriving at the aforementioned trailer. Luckily Cheryl had a hilarious holiday letter for our entertainment. Here are some highlights (names changed):

Domestic Goings-On:

Dick and Jane are still living in Menlo Park, CA with little Heffe [FN1], who has kept the weight off this year! Jane kept her garden growing, and reaped a bountiful tomato harvest [FN2]. And one of the big highlights around the house is the awesome 42" 1080p LCD TV they bought earlier this year. They are both completely hooked on Discovery and NatGeo HD - it looks like you're right there!

Travel:

Dick had the honor of driving a rickety 2-cylinder Mexican car on the treacherous dark road to La Paz, narrowly avoiding more than one bull wandering across the road, about which all the Mexicans had warned them. [FN3]

Arts and Entertainment:

It was all about the comedy this year in entertainment! Dave Chapelle was the highlight - intensely funny, fresh, raw - and yes, as many of you know he personally stole Jane's lighter during the show. [Mention of Bill Maher and Bob Saget shows]. However, Chapelle took the cake for being wickedly original on the spot; we've since invested in a copy of "Pimp" by Iceberg Slim, a highly recommended work of profound sociological commentary. We also caught a performance of Monty Python's "Spamalot" in Las Vegas.

It's safe to say it was a most prestigious year for Dick's gaming, as he finally procured a much-coveted Playstation 3. Some of his favorite games so far are Conan and Assassin's Creed (which even girls think is cool); and also WWE, Simpsons, and Black Site 51.

They watched some phenomenal shows this year: Tell Me You Love Me - 'ouch' to watch but eerily true, Weeds 2 and 3 - what the f is Nancy doin'? And one word...DEXTER, positively addicting.

Society Column:

Jane had her 10-year high school reunion this year, which was way more fun than she expected! It was awesome to see some of the old friends, everyone was so grown up, but so much the same, tres nostalgic.

Professional:

Dick received a well-deserved promotion this year at Company... . He has also developed a taste for fancy business clothes; Jane is a sucker for the cuff links. :)

Jane enjoyed another year working for the Pharmaceutical Company. She also began an M.B.A. program part-time...it is an enormous time commitment, but Dick has been an angel helping around the house when Jane gets stressed and busy - which is very often! [FN4]

Up Ahead:

Dick and Jane are in extensive preparations for Jane's birthday party on the 21st. It promises to be a fancy affair with filet mignon and the annual white elephant gift exchange. The problem is, they are wrestling with how to fit so many people in their teeny tiny house! Which means that up ahead, hopefully in the next year they will move to a larger living space to accommodate such events!


FN1: A cat.
FN2: Not a euphemism.
FN3: Mexicans!
FN4: Women are supposed to do the housework, but men can help sometimes.

Do You, or anybody at your office needs an employee?

I received this email late last night:

Hello, Mr. [Linda's Last Name], my name is Elena Goforth, I have stopped by at "City's Planning Office" last week. I had a different reason back then, but now have decided to ask-Do You, or anybody at your office needs an employee? I have a lot of education and urgently need a "full-time" employment, as am "on probation" due to my personal situation. Me/my ex have been battling custody for more than 2 years and the situation is very difficult. You, probably, do not want to hear more, but I tried to avoid "going through a criminal trial," and chose a "deal with the prosecutor," it is why "on probation," my ex accused me of scratching the car, and the prosecutor "did not drop" the charges! I would greatly appreciate your help, as the young lady at front told me you are "superviser," and would be able to talk to me (I just happened to keep your card and think it is a "good sign"). Thanks.

Happy New Year!

Tonight I am cabin-bound and will be internet-less, so Premature Happy New Year!


May nobody say "quaff" in your presence.

The Pink

It struck me today that Maria Bamford and Rachel McAdams look alike (and so cute!) with pink-streaked blonde hair. I am also pale and blonde. Too bad I have neither the balls nor profession for it.

Overheard on BART.

Person 1: I loved being off yesterday! I was at my brother's and he has cable.

Person 2: I love cable.

Person 1: It was so great. I planned to watch Oprah, but it was "Deal or No Deal" with Howie Mandel, so I watched Ellen.

Person 2: I like Ellen.

Person 1: I have never laughed so hard in my life! She had these Japanese contortionists on, their skill is they fit into weird spaces, so she had a big wall coming at them with weird shapes and they had to twist quickly to avoid getting smashed.

Person 2: So it was, like, just physical comedy?

Mom's Corner

"did you mean to leave the two old yucky golf club socks in your bedroom? where did they come from? i just noticed that you left an 'enrique' cd on the dresser too. should we bring it with us in february?"

There is a context for me having those items, but the quote is much funnier without it. Oh and here's a picture of my dad "boxing" the dog on Christmas: