Perks of the Colbert Repore

Stephen: There's meeting me, talking with me, and sitting next to me.....

Stephen: There's also enjoying the Fun Size Milky Ways in the green room.

Camera: (Cuts to plate holding one mini Milky Way).

Stephen: Wait that doesn't look very fun. Zoom in.

Camera: (Zooms in on the one mini Milky Way).

Stephen: Oh. I see. That's a Milky Way Miniature, not a Fun Size.

Stephen: .....Not nearly as fun.

More Colbert

God I love him.

We just passed the one-year anniversary of his White House Correspondents Speech. Let's all click and refresh our memories and collective joy. Let's also take a look at this funny interview with Bill O'Reilly.




"I catch the world in my headlights of justice."
"I haven't seen my kids in 18 months and I'm losing calcium in my bones."
"I'm afraid of bears. I think owls are a waste of time."

On a Rascal!

Confusing Rant Triggered by High School Reunion and Overanalytical Nature

I went to my high school reunion last weekend. It triggered feelings of frustration I get periodically. Sometimes it's directed at Americans generally, sometimes at religious family members specifically. Always it results in me wanting to shake people and make them read, think, and learn.

The feeling is difficult to articulate but this time it was directed at a large group of girls I hung out with in junior high that now depress the holy hell out of me. They appear to have dumb husbands, work boring jobs (if at all), and devote a lot of energy to being thin and attractive. They're in Southern California, mind you. Their favorite hobbies are tract home decoration, chardonnay, and monthly girls' lunches at chain restaurants. They drive huge SUVs. No banter, no intelligence, no cleverness, no curiosity about the world, no desire to work in it and change it.

My frustration always comes with the desire to prove something. These women make me mad, nay, infuriated. This time around it has me in a tizzy of conflicting thoughts. Does feeling upset by other women mean I am as immature and insecure as I was in high school? Why does it bother me so much? How fucking arrogant am I to think I'm better than them? Where is the line between respecting women's choices and analyzing whether those choices are good for social progress?

Is utilitarianism applicable here? I would posit if they're all happy and content, there's no problem. But it's not that easy! How do we determine happiness? Even if they report happiness, how much of that is false consciousness or satisfaction of socially constructed desires? Can a person really be content with a certain life when the person never realized there were other lives that could be lived? Why am I am suddenly now about to quote John Stuart Mill and say "it is better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied"?

But then again don't studies show that women balancing stimulating yet demanding jobs with husbands and kids are more stressed or depressed than women that don't work or have less demanding jobs? Is that because even as women work outside the home they still do most of the work and coordination within it? If not, and it's just the job, aren't the statistics skewed by the fact that the women educated enough to realize social problems and vocalize their frustration are the ones with the more demanding jobs?

Speaking of working moms, I don't buy the whole "women at home is better for kids" thing. This stems from the 1950's, right? But women back then were not sitting around reading Dr. Seuss to their kids and pushing them on the swings. No. They were constantly cooking and cleaning and sewing. They also had so many kids that there was a lack of quality one-on-one time.

Why is the chick the default stay-at-homer? Having women as equal participants in the workforce benefits society. Beyond the obvious reason of tapping vast resources of unused brainpower and emotional intelligence, it benefits men because they don't have the sole breadwinning pressure and they won't die of heart attacks at 50 and they can work less and be greater participants in their families.

And back to kids again, magazine articles say my reproductive years may end sooner than I thought. What am I supposed to do with that fact? I'm so jealous men don't have that limit. Should I be jealous though? If men procreate later that just means they have to be older parents, and since the parenting is the hardest part is that really such an awesome gift? Maybe not.

How much do I care about having biological children anyway? I guess if I don't want kids until I'm 40, and I can't have them then, I'll just adopt. That's probably better for the world anyway. Population increase and environmentalism and all that. But how much would I miss the actual physical connection to a baby, like pregnancy and breastfeeding and stuff? Also how small, exactly, are these babies one procures through adoption? Are we talkin' a few weeks or a few months? What do those ages even mean in developmental terms? If I planned an adoption with a pregnant lady can I get the baby nice and early so it's still little and super-bondable?

Also WHY DID THIS TURN FROM RANTING ABOUT MY HIGH SCHOOL COLLEAGUES INTO MY CONCERNS ABOUT BONDING WITH MY BABY AND IS THIS MY SUBCONSCIOUS WANTING A BABY AND IF SO OH MY GOD, WHAT?

CosmoGIRL!

KC's boyfriend works at Hearst magazine and was somehow roped into doing CosmoGIRL!'s The Daily Kiss with Thornton McEnery, including a Guy Blogger column.

OMG YoU gUyS! I soooo lOvE iT!!! The Guy Blogger garners comments like the one posted by "fashionfanatic":

thorton- you must have a lucky girl, it seems like you know EVERYTHING!!lol. well If your going out with a guy for like 4mths. and then when you get back from your vacation, he never calls again[which has been about a month!].like, what did I do wronge?he called wishing me a safe trip and all, but I had to go like real fast.[if that helps]

Pubic Hair & 'Underwear'

When I was looking for images for my CosmoGIRL! post, I came across an article called How to Survive Gym in Junior High.

(1) Be Prepared for the Locker room. If you are embarrassed to change in front of everyone, just think:

• You aren't changing on national television, and 99.99% of the time no one is looking.
• Everyone is too busy worrying that someone is looking at them to want to look at you.
• If all else fails, use the bathroom to change.
• If you're embarrassed because you have a lot of pubic hair, or you are uncomfortable, wear a long towel, slip off your dirty underwear, and slip on clean underwear while still wearing the towel. It takes some practice, but can be very convenient. Use this for pants, too, if you're afraid if you have the right 'underwear' on.
• You will get used to it.

HOLD ON A SECOND. What? I remember a lot of body insecurities from junior high but having lots of pubic hair was not one of them. And don't even get me started on what 'underwear' means and why it's in 'quotes.'

J. Luv for City Manager!

In the Mission recently, I was handed a disorienting piece of paper that I think encourages San Francisco voters to write in Mahareeshe J. Luv for City Manager. The paper looks like an old school zine, complete with typewritten Courier font and small drawings and a picture of an old man (or Willie Nelson?) delicately feeding a pigeon.

It starts: Cooperate and get off easy! Genesis 1:11 - "& God said, Let Earth bring forth the seed-bear-ing HERB!" Reefer Legal.

It ends: Do it worldwide! Now we can cut to a 3 or 2-day week! Reefer legal, no meters, live in ur van ok. Pee in the gutter. Drink beer on the sidewalk. J walk. Feed birds. & under the old system, pack in extra roommates at NO rent increase. Wide open Luv laws. Lower sex age. Too-high sex age. lost sex years, that can never be replaced, sob, how many missed The One! Look at what they done to us! Illegal to feed birds. Dragged to jail 5 times for it! ARE THEY OUT OF TOUCH UP THERE ? Drunken orgies, lucreing it up?? THEY'RE NOT DOING THE JOB! Meters & hauls were so painful & stupid! Reefer, the sacrament of God! Then he proves it by the Bible. THENNN--having stuck his stuck his sword in the all Big Owner, he gives himself EXECUTIVE CLEMENCY FORE & AFT & IS ALONE WITHOUT SIN! It doesnt matter who he laid. He is as pure as Snow White. They can't get a finger on him! His aura turned them into Virgins. AND he is running for CITY MANAGER.

Class of 1997

I went to my high school reunion last weekend.
This video represents my impressions of high school (and to a lesser degree, the reunion).

iDollators

You know Real Dolls? Those silicone dolls men have sex with when they're not playing Magic: The Gathering or eating their scabs or whatever?



Well the whole concept of them just changed for me from chuckle- and mock-worthy into just sad and uncomfortable. A new British documentary Guys and Dolls explores iDollators and their relationships with their ladies. Argh!, I can't embed it, but this is the link from Jezebel and here are some choice quotes:

"I'm currently living with my parents. I think what my father finds really difficult about my relationship with SheShawn is that she's not "alive," you know, she's not a "human being." Sometimes the best times with her are when we're not having sex, but just lying next to her and appreciating her, especially in the really early daylight, with her regarding me and me doing the same back."

"Maybe I'll have 'em buried with me. Get an oversized coffin. We can all turn to dust together."

"Certain people benefit from these dolls, the way some people benefit from insoles in their shoes."

"Sometimes I wake up at 3:00 am with a raging hard-on. I can just go in the garage, get a doll, and go at it. You can't do that with a real woman. She's a person, she has a mind, you have to ask.....and she has a right to say no."

"Sometimes I make a point to date organic women but there are many variables. I like constants."

"As good as the sex is with 'em, the peace of mind is even better."

Is that the best name?

"The City has projected traffic volumes based on anticipated land uses using a traffic modeling program called TranPlan."