Tig Notaro

I went to An Evening of a Thousand Scowls on Saturday, which was a comedy fundraiser for 826 Valencia. One of the comics -- Tig Notaro -- was hilarious. She's like Maria Bamford and Mary Louise Parker combined. Her comedy was super dry and quiet and slow, kinda like a deadpan friend. She started her routine by quietly taking the mic off its stand, then joking about comedians that hold the stand on the diagonal or move the stand out way out of the way. Then she started to move the stand to the far edge of the stage, and then eventually she moved it off the stage into the audience because "We need to clear the stage. My comedy is too gigantic." It just got better from there. In conclusion: Highly recommended.



Bonus: Fred Willard!

The Embarrassing Daves.

When did Dave Eggers fall with Dave Matthews into the category Things Cool People Don't Like? There were times I loved both these men in earnest (2002 and 1997, respectively). But it's uncool to like them, so until today I talked about my love for Crash or A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius in self-deprecating, haha-I-was-young sort of tone. No more. I loved both those things and I don't care who knows it!

Her legs look good and stable!

A few years ago my friends and I had a night of hysterical can't-catch-our-breath laughter in which we designed imaginary satyrs (or centaurs, or fawns, or minotaurs, depending whom you ask) for each of us. Maybe you had to be there, but the topic has induced giggles for me ever since.

Recently Stephen Colbert said "I'll go on record saying John McCain is a minotaur," which caused me to shriek with delight and research which man/beast combo we really meant a few years ago. I think it was the satyr. But when googling "centaur," I found an awesome site called Elfwood, to which some dude submitted a digital painting with this note:

"the basic idea about her legs is they are actually a normal (very muscular) human legs with extended feet (those of a horse) all covered in fur, so I think she wouldn't have any trouble in walking, and keeping her balance for standing with two legs in a long time. I don't think that a person with a true horse hind legs could walk normally, because their thighs are too short so their knees are also too high, it's not easy to walk with such legs. recently I found that highlighting the skin tone with yellow looks very organic compared to white (I used to make highlight using white, and then wondered about the unhealthy pale look on the skin I just rendered, and spent so many hours to adjust the contrast, hue, and everything in a frustration) manually sketched, colored with photoshop,then rendered in painter, and exported back to photoshop for the final adjustments (ex: the make up for her face). the dress was painted from scratch in painter, and the eye glasses was made with photoshop."

This is the picture:

And these are some comments:

• I think the creature isn't a centaur, it's either a minotaur, a faun, or a satyr. Great work though!


• Aah who cares what you call her, she's gorgeous! I love the yellow skin, and her dress, and her legs look good and stable!


• She is what I call a "hemicentaur": the F1 hybrid of a non-centaur human and a centaur (this assumes incomplete dominance of the centaur gene). As your picture shows, the result is beautiful (lovely legs!). [Do you wish you were one (or ARE you one)?].


• I appreciate it more in the closeups of her head. That's when the detail in her eyes and lips comes out. It's very good, I think, very indicative of a tough but beautiful personality. She's got a tan elven ladies might kill for, too.

Mom's Corner

i fixed an awesome dinner for evelyn with poached pear/ice cream dessert, so she was very grateful and impressed. i had eva come for lunch today so we began drinking greyhounds (grapefruit juice/vodka) on the patio and playing fetch with maggie. i made scrumptious sun-dried tomato wraps with turkey, avocado, chopped butter lettuce, swiss cheese and a touch of italian dressing. eva had never had a wrap, so it was fun making her one. it was lots of fun being domestic for a couple days...[dad] has enjoyed that too, of course. i guess watching the food network channel has been inspiring me...a little bit :) tomorrow at 5 p.m. [cousins] arrive, so i've got some appetizers for them before they go back to a wedding welcoming party later in the evening.

does [brother] know you're considering a fit? [Fn1] he'd sure be excited about that, since he loves that car. will that be enough room for you? are you buying a used or new one? ouch...cars are so expensive!! good luck car shopping! here's some advice (although you haven't asked for any, ha) i recommend going through costco's auto plan, since you get the best price in town. costco has a deal with certain local honda dealers who will sell a car a few thousand $$ under the mfrp (manufacturer's retail price); it's a great deal. just get a costco store's auto plan booklet which lists the honda dealers in your area. you'll probably deal with the honda dealer's fleet manager. that person will be your only contact and he/she simply explains the plan and finalizes the paperwork for you, so there's no need to wheel 'n deal with car salesmen...nice. also, there are additional fees when buying a new car. they are: a document preparation fee ($45 for my accord), sales tax, license fees ($211 for the accord) , and california tire fees ($5 for the accord). fyi: the mfrp (window/sticker price, which includes a destination and handling fee) for the 2004 accord was $26,890.00, but the costco discount lowered it to $24,250.00!! even if you have to pay $50 to become a costco member, it's well worth it!! maybe i've given you more info than you want at this time, but you know me...always looking for better prices/deals and ALWAYS wanting to help you in any way i can!!

I LOVE YOU!!

mom

[Fn1] My car was stolen from the mean streets of Noe Valley the other week. I hated that hand-me-down '95 Civic Coupe with a cherry red paint job and many street parking scrapes and a recently developed high pitched whirring sound. I was disappointed when it was found, but happy when my insurance declared it totalled. Honda Fit, here I come! (Note to self: Learn how to buy cars.)

Welcome to my new all-video blog.

Easter in San Francisco

After the Hot Jesus contest

and before the Big Wheel race

a gentleman asked my friend Cheryl:
"Would you like some merlot and Coke? ...It's very popular in Spain."

Meet Burger and Fries.

Pinky goes nuts.

Stuff White People Like

I know you've all read and enjoyed it, so I'm not linking, but merely sharing this morning's family email dialogue:

• Brother 6:42 AM: This is hilarious. It's like an outsider's cultural guide to understanding whites (albeit whites in the upper-middle class). There has been a lot of discussion on the 'net about this lately. Apparently a lot of whites are outraged that someone would dare generalize them in this manner. I however was completely amused, and so was Linda, despite being basically the exact prototype of this classification. http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

• Mom 6:47 AM: hey brother...i'm laughing so hard i can hardly type! thanks for the morning cardiopulmonary workout while drinking coffee (#1)...instant coffee, i must admit! yup...you and linda fit into many of the stereotypes pretty closely, hmm. it's about time us parents are off the hook a little ('cept by their kids!). i guess the saying is true, "what goes around comes around." thanks a lot for sending this to us and keeping us informed about our race...i'm passing it forward!!

• Linda 9:08 AM: Whoa. Are you sure you've only had the one coffee?

• Mom 9:20 AM: one and a half actually. how about you?

• Dad 9:26 AM: Mom, put the Bushmills away. No more irish coffee for you this morning!

It destroys art. It destroys souls.

Today Gentleman Friend proudly showed me his new Anne Geddes checks. He also reminded me of this great moment from "The Office":


Angela: It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.


Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy and in bad taste and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno.

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Today, in response to a post about What to Expect When You're Expecting, Jezebel commenters discussed weird things that happen during pregnancy and birth. This has been a favorite topic of mine since I learned (relatively recently) that women often poop during birth. My response was basically "Hold on...WHAT?!?!"

Here are the top ten comments and tips from today's post:

(10) I was a C-section, so there was no chance for such grossness with me. Only cutting flesh open, pulling it back like wallpaper, and shifting organs about. You know. The usual.

(9) Seeing my friend's fiancee not able to get off a couch because she had an 8 inch blood clot after her c-section made me die a little inside.

(8) My friend's mom craved dirt when she was pregnant with her. Dirt. More specifically she wanted red dirt. I don't know why she was hating on the other flavors of dirt, but whatevs.

(7) I think the first truly horrifying reality check about pregnancy came the day I learned in 9th grade health class about shitting during labor, tearing, and what 10 cm dilated really looks like. It was a trifecta of horror.

(6) A guy I work with was horrified about the thing where well, they cut something (cervix, vagina, not sure?) to make the baby come out easier. He came by my desk and asked me about it (why, not sure, I have no kids) and was all pale. He told me he thought they "just fell out."

(5) What about that gross mucus plug that comes out the last few weeks?? Uggggg.

(4) Ahh me too on the shitting during labor! All I could think was - "I can't believe so many husbands have watched their wives shit, camera-in-hand!"

(3) I threw up during labor. I also got extreme "morning sickness" from the second month until the seventh month. I threw up so much and so often that I began bleeding from the back of my throat every time I gagged. Oh and my insurance wouldn't cover the cost of the anti-nausea pills. It was the worth nine months of my life, but I'm happy with the end result. He's pretty rad.

(2) When my sister was in the midst of her ninth month she sent me a text message that read, "Thought my water broke this morning, but I just peed my pants."

(1) A friend and I told a male coworker about how sometimes babies poop in the womb (I think it is called merconium?). First he didn't believe us. Then he got upset. Then he yelled at the top of his lungs "Nobody is SHITTING inside MY WIFE!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day! (v.1)

Happy St. Patrick's Day! (v.2)

Q: What is corned beef?

A: The real question here is: "How do you corn something?" We've got a pretty good grasp of the beef concept, but the "corning" process is mysterious. According to the Department of Agriculture, "The name comes from Anglo-Saxon times before refrigeration. In those days, the meat was dry-cured in coarse 'corns' of salt. Pellets of salt, some the size of kernels of corn, were rubbed into the beef to keep it from spoiling and to preserve it." So there you have it. Take the bust of a cow (i.e. the ribs and chest meat), smack it up, flip it, rub it down, and soak for about four days. Voila, corned beef.

Can somebody arrange for me to be BFF with Ellen? That'd be great, thanks.

Shower the people you love with condiments.

I think my brother misheard James Taylor, because my sister-in-law posted this story:

One morning last weekend, I got my slow, sleepy ass into the shower. As I usually do, I let the water hit my face for a few seconds before grabbing the shampoo and doing the ol' lather routine.

With water still in my eyes, I go to grab for the shampoo and I realize that the herbal essence I grabbed is actually a bottle of heinz ketchup. Confused, I double-take and notice that the conditioner is a mustard container.

Now at this point, my mind is really blown. I look down at my facial cleanser and it is a bottle of olives. All of my shower items have been replaced with condiments.

Some husbands bring their wives flowers and chocolate.

Interesting.

Somebody googled "a lot of pubic hair" and found themselves at my blog today. So I have that going for me, which is nice. If you take it to the next level and run an image search, this appears:

Clearly, LOL.

Another video for Ace.

(Courtesy of Jeff)

I think the CHP uses this test.

J: I can drive.
B: You CAN'T drive.
J: What?
B: I saw the way you were acting.
J: What?
B: Climbing on boulders...
J: I always do that.
B: But this time it was more joyously.

For Ace.

A quote.

From Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer:

"You are very funny, Jonathan."
"No. That's the last thing I want to be."
"Why? To be funny is a great thing."
"No it's not."
"Why is this?"
"I used to think that humor was the only way to appreciate how wonderful and terrible the world is, to celebrate how big life is. You know what I mean?"
"Yes, of course."
"But now I think it's the opposite. Humor is a way of shrinking from that wonderful and terrible world."
"Inform me more about when you were young, Jonathan."
He made more laughing.
"Why do you laugh?"
He laughed again.
"Inform me."

The Love Cab

I plopped into a cab tonight after a few blue-cheese-stuffed-olive martinis and it was lined with multi-colored small-bulb christmas lights that ran into the center and made a beautiful heart. Also, there were many silk roses with plastic dewdrops. The driver was (naturally) a man with a dark leather jacket and sideburns who played KOIT's "Love Songs after Dark" with zero irony and spoke with a Central American lisp a la Fez on That 70's Show. When I noted "Wow, it's very romantic in here," he proudly replied "Yes, the passengers love it, a gentleman liked my cab so much he gave a woman the diamond in the vehicle on Valentine's Day."

When I asked for a picture, he said "Get down on your knees so you can get it all." [FN1]

[FN1] If I had a nickel for every time...

Emilie du Chatelet

She was a French mathematician, physicist, and author in the 1700's. She broke some rules. She got busy with famous brains of the time (including Voltaire, y'all). Thanks for the tip, Katie!

Childhood. Emilie was awkward and showed no signs of growing up to be beautiful, so she was given lessons in fencing, riding, and gymnastics to improve her coordination [FN1]. She was remarkably well educated for the time: she learned a lot of math, science, and literature; she danced, played harpsichord, sang opera, and acted; she was fluent in Latin, Italian, Greek, and German (she later translated Greek and Latin plays and philosophy into French). She was also a high-stakes gambler, and although she used her mathematical skills to lay out strategy, she once lost the equivalent of $1million at the table at Fontainebleau, assumedly to card cheats.

Work. In 1737 she published her research into the science of fire, which predicted what is today known as infra-red radiation and the nature of light. In 1740 she published a book with new ideas on science and philosophy that sought to reconcile complex ideas from the leading thinkers of the time. In the book she combined theories to show that the energy of a moving object is proportional to its mass and the square of its velocity (E ~ mv²), and not directly proportional, as had previously been believed by Newton, Voltaire, and others. The correct formula was later shown to be Ek = (1/2) mv². In 1749 she completed her outstanding achievement by translating into French -- ith her own commentary-- Newton's Principia Mathematica, including her derivation from its principles of mechanics the notion of conservation of energy.

Education. Emilie was excluded from the University education that was open to male students. Additionally, she was asked to leave the cafes where intellectuals met and talked because of the "men only" custom of the time. She had a suit of men's clothing made and reappeared in that.

Marriage. In 1725 (at 19) she married a Marquis. After bearing three children, she considered her marital responsibilities fulfilled and arranged with her husband to live separate lives while still maintaining one household. In the upper classes of France at the time, it was acceptable for both the husband and wife to take lovers.

Liason: Duc de Richelieu. In 1730, she started a 1.5 year affair with the Duc de Richelieu. The Duc was interested in literature and philosophy, Emilie was one of the few women who could converse at his level. She read every book of consequence, attended the theater regularly, and enjoyed intellectual debate. She expressed an interest in the works of Issac Newton and he encouraged her to take lessons in higher mathematics to better understand his theories.

Liason: Voltaire. From 1733-1748, she had a relationship with Voltaire. The Duc de Richelieu and Voltaire were close personal friends. Emilie wrote to him saying, "Why did you never tell me that M. de Voltaire is the paragon of Men?" Emilie invited Voltaire to live in her country house in northeastern France, and she became his long-time companion under the eyes of her tolerant husband. There she studied physics and mathematics and published scientific articles and translations. The couple collected a library of 21,000 books, which was the equivalent of a university library at the time. They spoke in English when they argued.

Both Voltaire and Emilie had a desire to discover Truth and to write about their findings. They both wanted to make an impact on the world. Their bond was based on their work and how they supported one another. Judging from Voltaire's letters to friends and their commentaries on each other's work, they lived together with great mutual liking and respect. Voltaire once declared that Emilie was "a great man whose only fault was being a woman."

Liason: Jean Francois de Saint-Lambert. From 1748 until her death, she had an affair with the seductive (young) poet Jean Francois de Saint-Lambert. She became pregnant in her early 40's. In a letter to a friend she confided her fears that, because of her age, she would not survive the pregnancy. Emilie bore the child, but died three days later at the age of 42.

When she died, Voltaire wrote "It is not a mistress I have lost but half of myself, a soul for which my soul seems to have been made."

[FN1] You know the old saying "If a man cannot have beauty, he chooses coordination"? Neither do I. It makes no sense.

Rad Bitches

I write the "rad bitches" profiles because I'm fascinated by old timey rebellious or progressive women. I'm thirsty for untraditional role models. I like knowing my life can be a deliriously interesting rush of foreign travels, books, and love affairs if I never hit the marriage-mortgage-kids trifecta.

Book tips appreciated! Specifically biographies or anthologies of such women.

Police Dogs to Wear Shoes

High rate of paw injuries on duty is the impetus behind the canine footwear.



BERLIN - Police dogs in the western city of Duesseldorf will soon be equipped with blue plastic fiber shoes. "I'm not sure they like it, but they'll have to get used to it," Andre Hartwich said.

The unusual footwear is not a fashion statement, but rather a necessity due to the high rate of paw injuries on duty. Especially in the city's historical old town — famous for both its pubs and drunken revelers — the dogs often step into broken beer bottles.

"Even the street-cleaning doesn't manage to remove all the glass pieces from between the streets' cobble stones," Hartwich said, adding that the dogs frequently get injured by little pieces sticking deep in their paws.

The shoes comes in sizes small, medium and large and were ordered in blue to match the officers uniforms.

"Now we just have to teach the dogs how to tie their shoes," Hartwich joked.

I want it now.

Today I booked tickets to Morocco. Whee! If you have taken a cooking class in Marrakesh, trekked the High Atlas Mountains, or ridden a camel in the Sahara, please provide recommendations.

Drunk History

Volume 1 (starring Michael Cera)



Volume 2 (starring Jack Black)



Volume 3 (starring Jack Black)